DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[DTM]

Well thank you for the insightful reply - to answer some questions...
-No we never had agreements on household chores, I just always enjoyed helping..it's what I do. Dishes, laundry, dusting, whatever...I don't feel it's just a woman's job in the relationship!
-The cell phone I pay for is her connection to the OW and it (a material item) gets her full attention above anything else, which is why I dislike it. Will I continue to pay for it, yeah..of course.
-Yes, I know exactly what needs I didn't meet in the relationship and I've openly discussed them with her and she has stated she has seen my changes..."too little too late" is the common response right after "I don't love you anymore", which was typically followed by me saying "you should have shown me an action that I understood instead of hinting here and there that you weren't happy" - She put on quite a show, just like the books all say..I perceived everything was "good" and then she just quit.
-I have in the past spoken to the OW, in fact purchased her a gift the last time my W went to go see her as an act of peace or whatever you want to call it...trying to be the better person? I haven't said anything to her in awhile, the last conversation was rather positive - the OW said that my W has told her of my positive changes...but who knows what they're both planning...the OW's R is horrible, her H won't budge to meet her needs since this whole mess started.
-Finally, my reason for dating someone was to get out there and be happy. I can't be truly happy in a R with my W as roommates if I'm not getting any affection...she clearly stated to me that she was surprised I haven't already gone "out"...it's been 3 months since any physical contact and almost 8 months since I learned of the OW. I've went through total hell..mentally and emotionally...made all the wrong mistakes trying to "win her back" with suffocating amounts of attention, gifts, etc...it got me no where except where the books say it will....worse off. So Here I am, resigned to the fact that I am no longer trying to show her anything. My conversations are quick, my texts aren't initiated unless I'm trying to contact my kids (when she's out) and I don't say anything about missing her, loving her, etc. Time and space...giving her an abundance of it and I don't want to hang around ignoring my needs while she dwells on it...if that is what she's doing anyway? And yes, maybe she needs to feel jealousy, knowing I'm out with someone else and that I've detached from her as my W. I DONT KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT! I absolutely love her, if I didn't I wouldn't have hung around for 8 months trying to fix it....which obvious to me now didn't make it any better.


My W doesn't currently work, she had a very successful home based business but we relocated out of state for my job......this was her idea to get closer to family - when I finally got the transfer she hated it because she made her connection with the OW and now had to leave. She hasn't put much effort into regaining her business..although I have for her. She hasn't put much effort into making new friends, although I have for her - she basically states that she is miserable, hates where we are, hates our new house, misses her friends, misses being at the top of the totum pole (business wise in the last town) and doesn't want to start over not knowing if she plans on being here or not. She is in limbo land and lives in the past. I've run out of ideas and have decided to detach and hope she misses me and sees me happy and wants to be with me again...she knows I love her dearly and she knows I understand my shortcomings...but she BELIEVES they are not permanant changes and that she has "tried" and "given" long enough...she's not happy.