on the edge...

[dingo]

Update:

After a few ups and downs over the past week, I think (?) we might be making some progress. I told her my boundaries, of which the most important is that the affair end, zero contact, new job as soon as possible. I also told her that the lifestyle she has been living over the past few months (partying and out late with friends a lot) is not one that I want for my life or for someone who was potentially going to be the mother of my children. She expressed that she understood these and understood that if she wants to stay in the marriage, she cannot cross these boundaries anymore.

(To answer your question Sandi, we probably could survive without her salary for 3-4 weeks but the nature of our work is such that its not always easy to get a replacement. Her salary is very nearly equal to mine (80%) so we couldn't be without it and maintain our lifestyle for too long. I don't think asking her to quit without a replacement job is the right move at this point because it basically makes her 100% dependent on me financially which would trap her in the marriage.)

We had a fine weekend. Went for a hike, raked leaves and watched some football. Then today she went to the counselor for an individual session for the first time in 2-3 weeks. She came out of that all confused about what she wanted and what she felt like she could commit to. She admitted that she had spoken with the OM about personal things (their situation, our situation, etc.) over the previous few weeks. I restated my boundary that that can't continue for me to stay in the marriage. She again committed to stopping it without much hesitation, although she was very despondent, depressed, etc. Which I hope is a good sign that she's accepted that it has to end. She seems to be able to come to the conclusion on her own that she needs to stop talking to him but still doesn't understand why she is compelled to revert. Its clear that our counselor isn't really helping her to come to terms with it so I asked her if she'd be interested in talking one of the DB counselors. Not necessarily to convince her to stay in the marriage but maybe to help her come to terms with what she is feeling and why. She seemed relatively open to the idea.

She made a point to tell me that she is not necessarily committing to the marriage but is committed to end the affair so she can make the right decision about the marriage. Either way, I have been preparing myself the past week for a divorce. I have been starting to think pretty heavily of my life without her, have been convincing myself that she will not be able to end the affair and that I will have to serve her papers. I will continue to think like this until I start to see enough genuine signs that things are different with her this time.

Unfortunately a separation is not something that I believe in under these circumstances. I don't think I would ever be able to believe that she didn't go try to have a relationship with the OM only to find out that the grass isnt greener. I don't want to be married to someone knowing that I was option B and its not a precedent I want to set for a committed relationship. I can forgive the mistake of the affair and the difficult/confusing times she is having ending it. I believe in my heart that she knows the facts of the situation and what she really wants, she is just having a hard time applying and committing to them because of the addiction.