Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

Scratch that. No talk tonight. His parents are coming up to the city to visit him and the kids for his birthday. At his brothers place. So our talk has been postponed until tomorrow morning. I am feeling so sad.

[chasingpavements]

Didn't have the greatest day DB-wise.. feeling very emotional, and may have backslid. Back to DB'ing like crazy tomorrow!

[Groov]

Hi Chasing,

Regarding:
For example, if he says I have not been independant enough and I am always relying on him. I guess I would then say, yes I could see how you would think that but I have really been working on trying to be more independant. I have been getting groceries on the weekends and driving around town more. I have been trying to fix things around the house without asking you first.

My opinion here don't say BUT, Everything after the BUT in this example is being defensive.
Instead keep validating:

"So you feel that you would like to see more independance from me and you feel like I always rely on you? Being independant is important. I do have a tendancy to rely on you. I can see how this would bring negative feelings of pressure."

I always run this through my mind in my convos: Understand, Reflect, Empathy

Understand: "So you feel that you would like to see more independance from me, and you feel like I always rely on you?" yes/no (If no, He will clarify)

Reflect/Validate: "Being independant is important. I struggle with self-reliance"

Empathy: "I can see how always feeling relied on would bring negative feelings of pressure"

This is easier said than done in the moment... For me in my sitch I have issues being defensive too! I practice this technique on others so when I talk to W I have it down. I have noticed that I am gaining friends quickly as I practice. My W is all business and I am hoping that she will reach out at some point so I can practice what I am preaching here

Good luck, I am rooting for you!

[chasingpavements]

Thank you so much Groovshadow... and just in time... we are having our talk soon!! I am nervous, but I feel prepared.


-cp

[jp787]

Another option would be to say I hear you saying... vs so you feel.

Otherwise great post GS!

I remember one time I was feeling the same way and I actually asked my W before we talked, right before as we were starting. "Would you like me to just listen or would do you want me to respond"

Remember to breathe and take your time.

[Groov]

Good point JP, "I hear you saying" is a good option vs getting in to feelings. (especially with a WAS) This will help my sitch

CP, You'll do great! The important thing is to do and say things that connect. Defensiveness is not connecting. I also use the three C's, Calm, Connect, Cooperate. You sitch, if like mine, may not be in a position to do much cooperating. But the calm and connect part are more important early on!

Rooting for you!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Groov, and jp for your advice, just in the nick of time

We had our talk and things went smoothly. We each said our bit. jp, I stole what you did and asked if he would like me to just listen and he said yes, just listen. I listened to what he had to say and then told him my concerns and the solutions that I had come up with for my concerns.

We then talked about moving forward and how everything would play out, and what we would like to do next. We are going to keep doing IC, and continue on to do MC after a few more IC sessions. He had his first IC session and he said he felt a lot better afterwards. He said he talked the whole time during his visit for an hour and a half, and he was amazed since he is such a non-talker! lol.

Things seemed different between us. He seems to have had a change of heart. He kept complimenting me, which he hasn't done in many months, and he even kissed me. Caught me off guard a bit.

Now we are just going to ease back into things, without moving too fast. I feel ok, but kind of strange and different. Kind of strange to be at this point here and now, where life has taken so many different turns in the past year. Kind of a big whirlwind, and now the dust is settling.

Thanks for cheering me on,

-cp

[jp787]

Now we are just going to ease back into things, without moving too fast.

This is good

I feel ok, but kind of strange and different. Kind of strange to be at this point here and now, where life has taken so many different turns in the past year. Kind of a big whirlwind, and now the dust is settling.

I feel somewhat like this. I am now able to breathe and am starting to realize I still have a lot to work on and a boatload of issues to deal with… ugh.

[chasingpavements]

I agree jp. For this to work we need to pace ourselves, and not move to quickly. I think H and I have come up with a good plan of moving forward. I am kind of excited, but also a bit worried that he will not follow through on his promises. Right now he is saying he wants to work on things, which I think is huge. But for the past year he has been all over the place with how he feels, it has been a huge rollercoaster ride. I think that now we are on the right path, and I just need to make a leap of faith. I can't turn back now, just as things are getting better.

So now we are at the place of dealing with all of the issues and concerns we have previously had, in order to move forward and build a stronger marriage.

Yes, there are a boatload of issues, but think of how great the reward will be, and the view from the top of the mountain! We can do this jp!!

[chasingpavements]

Had a nice evening with H yesterday. He came round and visited with me and the kids and helped get the kids off to their Beaver's meeting. We had a nice dinner and he helped put the kids to bed, and we played some cribbage.

H has been opening up to me more lately, and even showing me some affection and giving me all sorts of compliments. He hasn't done that since BD day 8 months ago. I feel that it is sincere, because, knowing who he is, I don't think he would do those sorts of things unless his heart was in it. I tried to initiate affection with him before and he backed away pretty quickly. Now he is reaching out to me. I feel like this is a big step for him, but I will try not to look into it too much.