After a good nights sleep, I feel better this morning. I realized that my frustration is coming from an internal battle within myself, not really from anything that my H is doing or not doing. Since it is an internal struggle, it is something that I can control!!
I have been struggling with the fact that I continue to be helpful and accommodating to H. I have been questioning whether or not I should continue to act in this manner. For example, H was at my house on Sunday. He decided not to stay for dinner because he needed to leave and get some work done. I had made a big batch of chili so I packed some up for him to take with him. He also called me to asked for help in getting a car seat for his car for one of the boys. H mentioned that I was really good at this type of stuff, so he was hoping I could help. I have been beating myself up over whether or not I should be doing this type of stuff or whether I should stop and do a complete 180.
I realized this morning that I need to do the 180s for myself, not because it may or may not affect H. I love the fact that I am a kind person, who thinks of others and tries to help when I know that I can help in a situation, even if it is H who I am helping. I don't want my sitch to change that about me. So I am going to stop beating myself up and stop worrying about whether I need to change something about myself that I don't want to change.
I don't need to become a completely different person, just a better version of myself. So here is my list of things that I want to work on and improve:
1. Be a better friend (reach out to my girlfriends more often just to say hi; set up a ladies night w/o kids with my best friends at least every other month) 2. Find new hobbies/interests (signed up for yoga; started listening to books on tape during my commute; want to start running and sign up for Thanksgiving Turkey Trot in my neighborhood to run with the kids) 3. Setting better boundaries with my mom (my mom watches our kids when I work and she has become too involved in our family life; I need to work on setting better boundaries because it has bothered H immensely and honestly it is starting to bother me - Here are my small goals - talk on the phone less often (books on tape is helping that goal); share less information about kids/family situation; not ask for help from parents as often with the kids) 4. Take better care of myself (exercise at least three times per week; get to bed by 10 pm each weeknight) 5. Spend quality time with the kids (plan one really fun activity each weekend; wait until the kids are asleep to worrying about cleaning, etc; use my nights without the kids to run errands so that my time with the kids is truly dedicated to them). 6. Make plans in advance for myself and with the kids; Dont wait for H to figure out what he is doing/not doing; H can always work around our schedule; if we don't have plans, it is ok to be accommodating to H. 7. Don't be so close minded about trying new things/things that are outside of my comfort zone 8. Work on detaching
These are the things that I want to change. I am going to stop worrying about changing the things that I like about myself for the sake of doing a 180. At the end of the day, I need to be happy with myself.
The majority of my anger is related to the affair. I am just going to have to fake it until I can make it through those emotions. I know that it is going to take me a long time to get past the pain and betrayal. So in the meantime, I will try not to obsess over it and try to focus on myself.
