Me 1 year on

[hotwheelsaust]

What I am really struggling to come to terms with is: one of my bad traits before BD was putting me first when spending money. I have tried so much to 180 this over the last year.

Now when I get the reply from the W, agreeing to the splitting of assets, all I can feel is sadness because it looks like all I have done is thought about myself again. Even though, all I have really done is agreed to her terms.

I am coming out of this asset split smelling like roses and I don't like it. For 23 years of marriage, the W will be walking away with $23k and a jet ski worth $15k. The old car worth about $2k and her belongings she took.

Me, I purchase both properties from her (that the bank owns most of) value nearly $700k, I have the new car $30k, my motorbike $10k, all the furniture and household stuff we have amassed over the years.

So it worries me, even scares me at times. How and why could she walk away with wanting so little. The house is the one she chose and we bought.

I am simply finding this next chapter of my sitch so hard to deal with. I am trying to find the positives, my future with no worries about selling the house etc. But I keep asking questions that I won't get answers to: why, why, and why.

Sometimes simply having a PMA and GALing doesn't solve the problem. Why didn't she fight for more? She didn't even get the houses valued? How much of her thoughts are being controlled by others who really don't care what happens?

Please give some advise how I can continue on the right path with all of this. How can I turn my thoughts areound, that I am just simply agreeing to her terms of this splitting of assets. How can I stand up to my boys and feel I did all I could, when their Mum gets very little.

One positive is that by keeping the assets in my name, at least we/I still have the assets and we haven't lost them. So there will always be a door she can open down the track if she ever wants to.

I think I have to simple accept my M is over. I did what I could, with what knowledge I have. I might have done wrong during the last year, or I might have done right. who knows. Simply I tried the best I could. It just wasn't the way.

[prometheus]

Hi hwa,

I also believe that the first reply that you have proposed sending is the better of the three. It says all that needs saying. My thoughts are with you.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks prometheus.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree, the first reply is the one you should send
HWA, you of all people should know that she is still in a fog and one day she will wake up and realise what she's done.
Don't feel guilty. Explain it all to your sons saying this is what she wanted and this is what the lawyer agreed for her. I had no say in this. Of course if you want to give her money...lol. At least she's not greedy like my H!
It's good that you've got some professional packers in, but it doesn't give you a chance to declutter. I suppose you'll have to do that at the other end, or do your packers do that as well? lol.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks TTD180, I really should focus on her being in a fog still. And in some ways, that is why I wanted to buy the house from her. To keep our dream alive in a way. It was still important for me to buy it as well.
I probably will have to have a good talk to the boys when I get back home in two months time. Rather than asking them what they think, I will just simply say my side of what has happened. Without putting their mother down. I just want them to understand I tried my best........and will continue as much as I can.

The removalists unload at the other end as well. Most stuff has been decluttered, apart from my clothes which are now two sizes too big for me. But who knows that could change.

[Fartiltre]

If I respond to her email, leave if for a day or two, and then respond with a short note. Something along the lines of "W, I accept your offer, I am sorry it has come to this. hotwheels".

I would properly consider not replying at all! If you reply I agree with the rest!

I am coming out of this asset split smelling like roses and I don't like it. For 23 years of marriage, the W will be walking away with $23k and a jet ski worth $15k. The old car worth about $2k and her belongings she took.

Me, I purchase both properties from her (that the bank owns most of) value nearly $700k, I have the new car $30k, my motorbike $10k, all the furniture and household stuff we have amassed over the years.

Now when I get the reply from the W, agreeing to the splitting of assets, all I can feel is sadness because it looks like all I have done is thought about myself again. Even though, all I have really done is agreed to her terms.

She made the terms!!
It is her suggestions not yours!
She is walking away with 40K and you with 40K if I do the math in the above. You will keep the house that the banks owns most of but you have done the monthly payments and took care of it all for a year.
She doesn’t want the furniture so you keep them.
She a grown up woman making a choice and the choice seems just fine to me!
You haven’t bullied her in anyway so IMO let it go!

Stop putting guilt on you! STOP!!

But…If you still find it to be unfair then change it but do NOT guilt yourself! Nothing good will come from that!

Please give some advise how I can continue on the right path with all of this.

HWA, you are on the right path!
I cant answer your why, why, why since I am struggling with the same questions. I am telling you this just to let you know that this is properly the way of the WAW. When they move they move and they don’t look back until they look back. My W left all kind of belongings – also personal stuff. I have read about WAWs doing this all the time so put these questions in the box with the rest. Perhaps your W will answer them one day and perhaps she won’t.
Many questions about the way of the WAW can be answered and some cannot. I would also like to understand things – just like you, but we also have to realize that we will properly never understand it all.

I think I have to simple accept my M is over.

It has been for a year now but a new romance will come and it still might be with W. That decision is yours to make if the possibility arises. Until then you and only you decides what will make you happy!


Stay on the path! Make YOU and your sons happy! The best way to make your sons happy is properly to make you happy!
Make yourself a new set of goals when you move and start working them!
You know the words: Focus on you, detach and GAL!

All the best
F

PS: Finishing this post I am leaning more and more towards not answering her e-mail at all! If you want to write her something you can always do it when the papers arrive.
Remember this one:

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

IMHO you have never applied this – perhaps it is time to do this! As I recall you have always replied and maybe even pursued a little when you got the chance.
She didn’t state a question of any kind! She simply informed you about something. Think about it without emotions and get rid of the urge to write her before you decides to do it!
Give it a thought!

PPS:

While I might be feeling this way.....at times. It was meant to say "i will post the reply to the W up here".

Good to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor. This made me LOL!!

[hotwheelsaust]

Many heartfelt thanks F, you put so many things into a different perspective. I will think on replying or not. I have reread her email and basically it states "as soon as I am able to I will arrange the solicitor to send the letter". So I suppose she has just sent me her decision.

You are so right, I have plenty of guilt and I do need to stop it, but it is very hard when I have had so many people put that guilt on me. Yes mostly her family and friends, but guilt anyway.

Sometimes I just want people to see or hear my side of the story. Especially my boys. I want someone to stand up for me, rather than everyone standing up for the W.

F, I will try to start a new goal now, by not feeling the guilt as much as I have. I will focus (which I have tried to do) on continuing to be a better dad to my boys, and show them a happy dad. Which in turn will make them happy. I will have fun at the party. Already managed to organise a fantastic special cake made as an original. One of ones you see on the cake shows. Cost nearly $200. I have made a speech up. So I am set.

I have to focus on my two boys, who are my blood, my ones who I love and care for. The ones who I am trying to keep my long term goals for (a house for them if and when needed in life).

Glad you liked the humour at the end as well.

Closer and closer to the sunset, beers, cows and sheep.

[hotwheelsaust]

My only worry about not replying to the email, is that I will be doing what was pre BD, simply not talking/replying/ignoring. A 180 would be to simply reply.

This is the first paragraph (the rest is just stuff about the items) any take on this, if it needs to be scrutinised. It just sounds weird. Maybe just my view.


"Hotwheels, This has taken a very long time I know and I apologise for the length of time in having my solicitor make you aware of what is going on. It has not been my wish for it to take so long and I have attempted to hasten this on many occasions. As soon as I am able to arrange it I expect you will shortly receive a letter from solicitor regarding the property settlement. "

[JuneReN]

I still say a short reply (your first) is in order. I am not a fan of rude nor of not opening a door a crack to see what comes through.

Perhaps she just doesn't want all that stuff anymore HWA. My H goes through purges. Perhaps she needs to just have nothing to link her to what she perceives as her old life.

I agree with F, you maintained and payed for houses, bought her out and continue on. There is nothing untoward about that.

[2old]

HWA, thank you for coming by my thread and letting me know what your coach said. I went and read it all...Well, there is no question in my mind you need to reply with the short polite first response you mentioned. Fog, desert, sand, forward or behind, the LBS can only do for them. It's up to our WAS'S to go through their own thing.

All the vet's have absolutely convinced me the WAS have to go through their own journey. Whether they figure out what they really want is up to them. They made their initial choice of leaving and it's for them to live out whatever they are feeling for however long it lasts......