14th Thread to Somewhere Uncertainly

[TSquared2]

Hi folks, okay, okay....just haven't been feeling like posting much. I think since this is the time of year of my BDs, just lying low, and also kind of having "flashbacks" to BDs, especially with all the new people and their sitches...just bringing some of the feelings, pain, etc, back from slow storage.

Sometimes it feels the same as last post, just minor details differences...

And I have been busy with slowly putting my life back in order, catching up on things and projects delayed during the last couple of DB years....

I kind of had a mini-R talk with W, though not really because I didn't try to get any answers, I just laid out where I am at, gently.

I basically told her that I am trying to give her the space she wants, but am worried that maybe she takes it as non-caring if I give too much, that I try to read what she is wanting atm. Also that my going into work is sometimes also to stay out of my own way. That things were feeling different, so I was feeling like I wanted to change things up since I have been doing the same thing for a long time, and maybe now was the time. That I had to trust her to tell me if she needed/wanted anything different from me...

I also said something like...that when limbo goes on long enough, you stop caring about the answer, just want AN answer so you can move on, either way. That's when she told me about the IC plan, that her new therapist told W to wait on the decision to D or not until she has had a chance to work with her for a while. W apologized for not telling me sooner, that she is spacey and in her own little world.

She said I am doing fine, and she was wondering if I was starting to get antsy lately...(see, they DO know us too well, lol). Lots of eye contact, and a caring look in her eyes. Not the annoyed or hopeless, or cold shark-eye look of the past.

I also said that I am trying to live as much of my life as possible as if she isn't coming back, but do make allowances to show that if she did, things would be different. As long as it doesn't compromise my core self.

Made another change, now that I got my old BMW all fixed up mostly (finally!) and now working on the pretty-pretty and a final tune-up, I let W take it to work. And she has a key now. Letting go of my one "me" thing from the past. Most of the reluctance was due to the state of mechanical repair, but some due to her driving, which even she will say now that she is inattentive, but some was me being controlling and selfish I do admit...but regardless, it was a very symbolic (for me at least!) "show" of what a future new R might look like... She was so cute trying to hide her smile.

The newer vehicle got commandeered by S1 and GF for a road trip. Lol, so i got lots of time driving the old bimmer, usually I only get to drive it when it needs work done on it...eh, Dads do that...

So yeah, I have my antsy phases, feeling constrained, just want to show the new me in totality, but I can't yet, because of respecting W's need to "control the distance"...and that it isn't wanted now/yet.

She has been "okay", still adjusting to the working world, and working on her issues. The other day we had a school function and she basically ignored me most of it, which I let really bother me (though I didn't show it). Thinking about it the next couple of days, I remembered some of the same behavior oddities when our oldest hit middle school, and it dawned on me that her middle and high school years are deep into her issues, and maybe...maybe this is a trigger, being in the school and these functions and such. Maybe it had/has nothing to do with me.

But on the other hand this afternoon we were talking on the phone during her work break and I had taken care of something, she said "Yay!, Awesome!!" I joking replied "Why, yes I am awesome, thankyouverymuch" and she said "Yes, you are awesome" ... I did NOT hear any eye-roll, or sarcasm, so I am taking it as said. Heck, I am awesome!

But this phase is very trying, and tiring...the cycling through "nice", "almost normal", withdrawn, weird, petulent 12 yo girl, bratty 16 yo...it's like she is almost there, but there is this resistance or fear still...and yeah, I want to reach in and pull her the rest of the way out, or be done. So I sit still yet more, continue being "aloof, yet available", for a while more yet.

So I have had my detachment challenges, my patience challenges, questioning if I still want this challenges. Nothing is a steady-state...everything ebbs and flows, variables and flux.

W's bday is just around the corner...operation flower still a go.


Very funny Raine...clipboards are multi-purpose tools, just sayin'...