Rise & Shine - Need Support

[3boymom]

On my way out the door, H told me that I looked really nice. I don't remember the last time he said that to me. Gives me strength to keep plugging away.

[Pudmuddle]

Awesome! Yes small positives!

[Preggonomore]

3, I just started following your thread. I'm a soon to be mom of two boys and am in my early 30s. H also has OW from work. Thankfully that OW is still in Afghanistan (I think).

Anyway, I just wanted to commend you for not telling everyone about what H is doing. I told EVERYONE. Even my neighbors dog knows. I wanted everyone to know to shame him. You are way more mature than I have been.

[3boymom]

Hi Preggo. It is comforting to know others understand by situation but heartbreaking to know the paid everyone is going through. He's affair started when I was pregnant (in fact he left me in the hospital alone for six hours the day after S1 was born to hang out with OW and coworkers at a bar). It still makes me so angry that what should have been the happiest time in my life was ruined by H.

Does anyone's mention OW or OM in conversation like it is no big deal. H has told me two stupid stories about OW and her kids. He just works it into normal conversation. Why does he do this? To remind me of the affair? Because he still clearly does not understand what he is actually doing with her (he still claims that they are just friends). Is this normal for a WAS in affair. I did not argue with him about it. Just not sure what I should do or to just do nothing if he keeps doing it. We are pretty amicable at the moment so I am trying pick by battles carefully if not at all.

[3boymom]

Some days are so frustrating and I just keep trying to remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I am really working hard on myself. I have come so far and feel myself detaching a bit. But sometimes I just wonder if I am living in denial. I try and not think about the A which makes me feel less crazybut am i really just allowing H to disrespect me. His life looks so perfect right now...good job, OW, gets to see the kids whenever he wants for theost part (we are super busy and I never cancel plans for him but he still gets great quality time which I want for the kids), I am friendly. Why would he ever come back? I hate these hard days when it seems like a happy marriage is so out of reach. I keep trying to remind myselfthat we both have come a long way the past couple of weeks and there have been positive things along the way. Just needed to vent so I could have I smile on my face when H brings the kids home.

[JuneReN]

3boyz-

You are so very early in this. If you read all threads, to a T, we have all felt like this. It is normal.

When we decide to stand (and stop standing, another story), we define our deal breakers, our boundaries and what we will accept. Sometimes these change, sometimes they don't, but they are ours to do with what we must.

If you honestly feel like a doormat, then the time has come to change something. But if the comment is out of frustration and out of what the societal expectations of your behaviour should be, then you have to think a bit more, Go a bit deeper.

Everytime I thought "Aha!! I got it, look it me?" Bam! Something else happened that caused me to look a little harder at myself and what I was feeling.

You still got a lot of anger going on and you are turning it into frustration and despair. What is your anger really?

And it's valid. So post away

[3boymom]

Thanks Kate! It is so helpful to have someone remind me that my work is just beginning and that I need to continue to dig deeper. Sometimes I just need to write out the frustration to get it out, take a deep breath and move on.

[Pudmuddle]

3, kate is right.

We want so much for this to be over and done, but it never will be. Even when we get to a better place we will still have to remind ourselves constantly of the things we learned.

Hence, what Pud did NOT do, and that is why Pud is back here.

Remind yourself when things get low, that it is ok to feel that way, after all we are cycling through emotions too. But the next time will be better. Because your end goal is, that you want it to be.

Hang tight!

[3boymom]

After a good nights sleep, I feel better this morning. I realized that my frustration is coming from an internal battle within myself, not really from anything that my H is doing or not doing. Since it is an internal struggle, it is something that I can control!!

I have been struggling with the fact that I continue to be helpful and accommodating to H. I have been questioning whether or not I should continue to act in this manner. For example, H was at my house on Sunday. He decided not to stay for dinner because he needed to leave and get some work done. I had made a big batch of chili so I packed some up for him to take with him. He also called me to asked for help in getting a car seat for his car for one of the boys. H mentioned that I was really good at this type of stuff, so he was hoping I could help. I have been beating myself up over whether or not I should be doing this type of stuff or whether I should stop and do a complete 180.

I realized this morning that I need to do the 180s for myself, not because it may or may not affect H. I love the fact that I am a kind person, who thinks of others and tries to help when I know that I can help in a situation, even if it is H who I am helping. I don't want my sitch to change that about me. So I am going to stop beating myself up and stop worrying about whether I need to change something about myself that I don't want to change.

I don't need to become a completely different person, just a better version of myself. So here is my list of things that I want to work on and improve:

1. Be a better friend (reach out to my girlfriends more often just to say hi; set up a ladies night w/o kids with my best friends at least every other month)
2. Find new hobbies/interests (signed up for yoga; started listening to books on tape during my commute; want to start running and sign up for Thanksgiving Turkey Trot in my neighborhood to run with the kids)
3. Setting better boundaries with my mom (my mom watches our kids when I work and she has become too involved in our family life; I need to work on setting better boundaries because it has bothered H immensely and honestly it is starting to bother me - Here are my small goals - talk on the phone less often (books on tape is helping that goal); share less information about kids/family situation; not ask for help from parents as often with the kids)
4. Take better care of myself (exercise at least three times per week; get to bed by 10 pm each weeknight)
5. Spend quality time with the kids (plan one really fun activity each weekend; wait until the kids are asleep to worrying about cleaning, etc; use my nights without the kids to run errands so that my time with the kids is truly dedicated to them).
6. Make plans in advance for myself and with the kids; Dont wait for H to figure out what he is doing/not doing; H can always work around our schedule; if we don't have plans, it is ok to be accommodating to H.
7. Don't be so close minded about trying new things/things that are outside of my comfort zone
8. Work on detaching

These are the things that I want to change. I am going to stop worrying about changing the things that I like about myself for the sake of doing a 180. At the end of the day, I need to be happy with myself.

The majority of my anger is related to the affair. I am just going to have to fake it until I can make it through those emotions. I know that it is going to take me a long time to get past the pain and betrayal. So in the meantime, I will try not to obsess over it and try to focus on myself.

Thanks for all the advice and support.

[Pudmuddle]

After a good nights sleep, I feel better this morning. I realized that my frustration is coming from an internal battle within myself, not really from anything that my H is doing or not doing. Since it is an internal struggle, it is something that I can control!!

You are growing girl! This is so awesome when you get to this point. You are getting it now, it's all about you!

I have been struggling with the fact that I continue to be helpful and accommodating to H. I have been questioning whether or not I should continue to act in this manner. For example, H was at my house on Sunday. He decided not to stay for dinner because he needed to leave and get some work done. I had made a big batch of chili so I packed some up for him to take with him. He also called me to asked for help in getting a car seat for his car for one of the boys. H mentioned that I was really good at this type of stuff, so he was hoping I could help. I have been beating myself up over whether or not I should be doing this type of stuff or whether I should stop and do a complete 180.

I struggled with this too for quite awhile. I came to this realization a few weeks ago and I now do these things because I WANT TO. Detaching from your H's emotions is very hard, because you only want to help them and make them happy. But right now we simply cannot and they don't want our help. We can only make ourselves happy.

I don't need to become a completely different person, just a better version of myself. So here is my list of things that I want to work on and improve:

AWESOME! Yes!!

The majority of my anger is related to the affair. I am just going to have to fake it until I can make it through those emotions. I know that it is going to take me a long time to get past the pain and betrayal. So in the meantime, I will try not to obsess over it and try to focus on myself.

Thanks for all the advice and support.

Yes, the A stinks. But it won't last because your H is still same and has the same issues. Those will eventually spill over into his new life. Don't let them control your headspace, it gives them more power.

You are doing so well! I am proud of you for coming to these realizations. It feels good, doesn't it???!!