Confused about Detaching Part 2

[Feenix]

I'm already on Prozac, people. Have been for several years. Lol. It doesn't seem to be helping any. I really will talk to my Dr. about it when I go to my check up, though...just in case.

I know there's no magic happy pill...wouldn't that be nice!!!?

Good idea on the mental picture smashing thing, Pud. I'll try that.

I haven't heard from H since his spew yesterday morning so I'm just kinda anxious. Gotta let it go, though, right?

And, thank you, again everyone who has responded. I have been re-reading everyone's posts and just trying to process everything. I'm still in the early stages of this BD #2...and I am still all over the place.

[uRworthy]

Oh boy, Ang, that was some conversation. You must have felt like you were in the twilight zone.

So, he gave you a lot of good info.

Heres the thing. He needs to know that you heard him. When you say things like a divorce wont make you happy, he things you didnt, ya know?

I think it's safe to say that the cuckoo is clearly flynig around the clock.

And you know all the hasnt loved you stuff, MLC script. We have all heard it in some form or another.

He is broken and confused and hurting. And he lashed out at the person closest to him. He just wants to hurting to go away. He will do anything for that to happen.
He thinks getting rid of you is the answer. And it isnt until he looks inside that he will realize it is him.

But he has to do that on his own. No amount of you saying it is going to make it happen.

I agree with him, that the thing with the ow is different from what you can imagine. Because lets face it, he is in crisis and she is with a married man. Not exactly the stuff of movies.

I believe he does feel dead inside. I have heard it described like that before. And he told you he does things to get away from how he feels. But one of the most important things that he told you was that you cant fix him. Very telling words, there, A. Big thing you can change in your actions.

His feeling that you will never get over the affair, also very telling. You need to stop talking about her, Angela. It doesnt serve you or the situation well. It just serves to fuel his feelings of not feeling heard.

YOu might want to check out my old post thread that Rosa told you about. There are some things in there that can help with this.

I know how hard this all is. I know it is also hard not to think about the ow. But, worrying about it will have not affect on the outcome. And trust me, whatever you imagine in your mind is nothing at all like the way it actually is.

So, you asked is this all worth it? I can tell you if you do the work, either way your sitch turns out, it will have been worth it.

Can you forgive him? That is something you have to decide now. Whether there is the possibility of you being able to. Because if you cant, there is not point to all this.

I think that you are not ready to give up on your marriage. So, for right now, this is exactly what you should be doing.

Your plan moving forward should be that you detach, you stop talking about your marriage and the ow, you look inside and see what needs changing and you show your h who you are becoming.

It is normal to feel anxiety like you have been. And meds can help. But, you have the control here.

You can do this, Angela.

[reachingHigher]

Can you forgive him? That is something you have to decide now. Whether there is the possibility of you being able to. Because if you cant, there is not point to all this.

uR, with all due respect, isn't this a little hard? I always agree with everything you say, but idk if this is possible during replay to decide.

I really wasn't sure I could forgive or even sure I wanted my H back. He was so different. Yet, I have forgiven and he has morphed into a new and different person.

You hafta be really open and strong to decide such a thing when you feel weak. And I always felt so weak.

I wanted my old M back. Yet I have a somewhat brand new one. And MLC is just fading away, yet a significant part of our "past".

Just sayin' if Angela doesn't have those "feelings" of forgiveness right now, maybe it's still okay to forge ahead?

[uRworthy]

No worries ever, RH. I might not have been clear enough. As I wrote, I think she needs to be open to the possibility that she would be able to forgive him. She certainly doesnt have to forgive him now while in the middle of all this.

But if she thinks she will not ever be able to forgive him, then there really isnt much point in moving forward.

I hope that is a little clearer.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks for clarifying that, uRw. You're the best! I had missed the part about "possibility" and therefore uRr. (You are right!)

Angela, I hope you're doing okay!

Thinkin' bout ya

[uRworthy]

Thanks RH. Back at ya! Sometimes my Brooklyn gets in the way of explaining things. LOL! Never a problem for someone to question what I write or challenge it. That's why we are here. To learn and support.:)

[Notlikingthis]

Cadet, AMEN!!!!

Angela,
Take as many deep breaths as you need to. You heart will stop racing, your mind will clear and you will feel just a little bit better. Let some time pass. You may feel differently in a week, 2 weeks or a month.

Good idea about talking to the Dr. about the meds.
Sometimes they stop working after awhile, from what I've heard. Maybe something else will.

Don't give up just yet!

[Feenix]

I'm doing okay. Having to post from my phone so this will be short. Again, thank you all for your support, encouragement, 2X4's,etc. I am truly thankful to have you all to help me through this nightmare. It keeps feeling like I'm in a dream... Like it isn't real. Then, my heart feels ripped out again and I realize, it is real. This unbelievable pain is real. But, I'm so blessed to have y'all to help pull me through. I kinda feel like I'm sleepwalking... Just putting one foot in front of the other, but not really sure where I'm going. Glad I have y'all to lead me until I can lead myself. Feeling lost tonight....

[PatientMan]

Angela,

I am glad I found you over here. I am sorry your world is spinning so fast right now.

When things seem out of control and emotions are running high, go back to the basics.

• Focus on being the best Angela R and the best mom you can be in every moment.
• Be honorable.
• Be true to YOURSELF first.
• Do not show him an emotional reaction to anything he says or does. You are cool as a cucumber.

Once you have control of the basics, you can start to concern yourself with the specifics. Basics first.

This, too, shall pass.

-PM

[Feenix]

Update:

OW is refusing all contact with H since BD last Thursday. He told her he was divorced already when she was with him so she wants nothing to do with him now. He got so angry that he broke his second phone (YAY! Muawhahahaha! *evil laugh*)I HATED that stupid phone....we've had many fights over that stupid piece of plastic.

I know she may change her mind so that isn't why I'm writing. Or, he may just move on to someone else, for that matter. I'm trying to prepare myself for that.

I'm writing because he is so angry with me for finding out. And is so angry, I guess, for me causing OW to stop contact with him. He is WAY more distant and depressed than before.

He was home yesterday, sleeping, when I got home. We just ignored each other until he left for work. We were civil but very, very distant.

This morning, he texted me about our bank account and got very hateful, very fast. I told him that I am not going to fight. Period. Just not going to. And, I told him that he doesn't need to be rude when dealing with me.

Anyway, how do I handle all this anger and hate directed at ME because he lost his precious OW???!!! Will he get over it and stop being such a jerk?

This "new" type of hate is hurting me in a totally different way. Ugh.