She launched into more, and I quit even trying to DB because I just stopped caring.
That says to me that you are not DBing for you, you are doing it for her. Your ability to control your actions when things get emotional is something I see you needing to work on for you no matter what.
Don't get me wrong Jon, there are many things I do in my sitch specifically in attempt to get my w to feel attraction for me ... This may or may not be a positive thing, but I completely separate it from DBing. I think that the things that you seem to be giving up on are things you need to do for you and are not actions you should be taking only to get your w back.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
A bit of background data: I went to a friend's birthday party a couple weeks ago, and a lot of her work friends were there. I had a great time, then didn't think anything about it. I found out two women thought I was a hottie, asked if I was single, what kind of girls I like, etc. Apparently, my friend told a mutual friend and W found out about it, and wasn't happy at all. I didn't know the above actually until yesterday.
So, W was texting me again about our past and how we did xyz wrong, and this time I simply said things like, "I remember how difficult that time was" or "I know that had to have been so hard, I wish we had done that differently" or "I'm sure you were hurt by that, it wasn't fair." Validating KING!
Then after awhile, I said, "Do you see how we're stuck in a blame cycle? My natural reaction to everything you've said is to point out something you did to me so I can defend myself; but I think that just gets us in a battle to see who treated each other the worst and all that does is cause bitterness and resentment. We both are very hurt - and the feelings are warranted, but if we continue to focus on nothing but the past, then we'll continue to have heated emotional conversations that just result in anger and drive us further apart."
W didn't respond, so about 4 hours later, I texted her and said, "I am ok with all this now. I am waiting on the updated dissolution as we discussed and I'll sign it and give it to you, and we can wrap up in 30 days. I have been asked out three times, so I'll probably date as friends, and if you want to date as well, it won't bother me. I still think the kids need some time and space, and my two and I are attending family counseling, so I'll see what comes out of that to make a decision on their time together. I'm truly grateful for the good times we had together and I wish you the best in life."
I think what everyone may be missing is that I have worked on this for months prior to BD. W would lay in bed most of the day watching TV, for probably 6-8 months leading up to the BD. I would take care of kids, clean, take them out for fun stuff. W would get up some days for an hour to make dinner, then she'd take her dinner back to bed and ignore all four kids. She was suffering from deep depression, and I knew that. I asked her to see a doctor for medication, or a counselor, and she refused. I offered to go with her, offered to set it up for her. I would bring her flowers, chocolates, take her on dates to nice restaurants (about the only time she'd get out of bed). She got mad, took the beautiful flowers I got her, and walked in and slung them at me and all over the room. I would bring her coffee in bed; told her if she'd get up for four hours just to start that I'd take her away for a weekend. She would obsessively watch the tv show Ugly Betty over and over again - it was running almost all the time.
She would yell at kids to get in bed, but never help them, tuck them in, etc. When I would ask her to please go see a doctor because I hated seeing her so sad, she would cuss me out.
The final 'blow' was her deciding to go to her mom's for 6 weeks while the step-kids were with their biological dad. So she went to Texas and basically sat at her mom's house or at the beach. I even encouraged it, told her to take the time to pray and think. I flew down to surprise her while she was down there, and took her on dates and to dinner (I didn't know the EA was going on at this time). Hindsight being 20/20 she was real weird, didn't want to have sex, slept in a different room - I should've known something was going on.
I'm not a saint - I've got plenty of my own issues. But after spending 6 months desperately trying to help her, four months ago I got an EA, a BD, and W blaming me for everything.
Maybe a bit of background helps explain my mindset? I'm not saying this excuses me being done, or my poor attempt at DBing, but I'm exhausted over all.
No, because I don't know what you're trying to say with that.
What NTX said and what I was trying to reinforce is you have to fix you, no matter what your W does.
You found very clearly with your W that you can't fix another person. That's not your job. But now you're hurt and resentful that she wasn't fixable by you.
You want your W, you don't want your W, you're off the roller coaster, you're back on the roller coaster, you're finished DBing, you're back to DBing---these are all your choices and really have nothing to do with your W.
She's your smoke screen, she's your shiny object to keep you from looking at you and what needs to be fixed there. No one is saying you're a bad person, but we see you in pain and the only way out of that is through it.
But that requires digging deep.
Now tell me, what did that post I quoted above really mean.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
W didn't respond, so about 4 hours later, I texted her and said, "I am ok with all this now. I am waiting on the updated dissolution as we discussed and I'll sign it and give it to you, and we can wrap up in 30 days. I have been asked out three times, so I'll probably date as friends, and if you want to date as well, it won't bother me. I still think the kids need some time and space, and my two and I are attending family counseling, so I'll see what comes out of that to make a decision on their time together. I'm truly grateful for the good times we had together and I wish you the best in life."
This is what confuses us, your words and actions don't match.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
