Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks RH, that makes sense.

That said, W and I have not had a serious talk about the D since she filed. Seems a little weird to not even talk about it. Of course she wants to move right into being old friends.

Are you up for being friends after D?

[THX-1138]

Are you up for being friends after D?

I honestly do not know. My pride and anger say no. But I don't know how I will feel in six months or a year.

From a strictly strategic point of view I think I should, because it probably increases my chances for reconciliation.

[ForeverYoung]

My feelings on being good friends after D, go like this. I won't be able to, because I'll always be looking and hoping for it to be more.

Besides, if she wants to end the M, then I want her to go out and find whatever it is she's looking for, on her own. If she ever decides she wants back in, (highly likely in my mind) I might be open to it at that time.

How's that for getting ahead of myself? lol

[THX-1138]

My feelings on being good friends after D, go like this. I won't be able to, because I'll always be looking and hoping for it to be more.

Besides, if she wants to end the M, then I want her to go out and find whatever it is she's looking for, on her own. If she ever decides she wants back in, (highly likely in my mind) I might be open to it at that time.

How's that for getting ahead of myself? lol

I have similar feelings. But mine are complicated by the fact that we have kids, so I have to go on seeing W, forever, whether I like it or not.

And whether I like it or not, I will be looking and hoping for more each time I see her for the foreseeable future.

[indigo1]

Same boat here. If not for D, if my situation ends in divorce it would be alot easier on me to just completely move on with no contact. There would always be that thought in the back of my head we could get back together. Guess I will have to wait and see because W will always be in my life either way.

[THX-1138]

W is back in her apartment after an 11 day MLC vacation with her old college buddies.

****

This morning I got a text from her. She wants to get together at the pub tonight to discuss some "business" (probably financial), our son's school/homework situation, and "just to catch up".

I have been dark for over a month now, and I want her to miss me. At the same time, I might want to allow her to see how great it feels to be around me.

She is definitely in the mindset of thinking we are now going to be great friends. She has completely moved on from thinking of us as a couple, to feeling that we are now good old buddies who used to be married. So this is serious cake eating. But it would also be an opportunity for me to give her "a fix" so to speak, because I know she is missing me, even though she won't admit it, even to herself.

But the idea of going out with her and having a couple beers worries me. I am still very hurt and angry, and we are right in the middle of getting a divorce! Why does she think I would want to go hang out at the pub and catch up? She seems to think that I should just be over this already!

But I think it also might be the right for me to do, because I am not pursuing, I am not saying ILY, or having R talks, or trying for hugs, etc. I would be cool, and leave first, and be attractive, mysterious, interesting and vague if possible.

[It is worth noting that my W has been very nice through this whole thing, she hasn't attacked me verbally or done many of the horrid things to me, like a typical MLC spouse does. She has acted more like a walk-away-wife to me, though all of the ways she has changed her life are classic horrible MLC (new apartment, new young single friends, EA's, PA, spending sprees, etc.)]

Should I go with out her?

Should I decline?

I am considering writing a response to her text like this:

"W, Thanks for your invitation to meet at the pub, but I am afraid I must decline. Your text brings to mind several issues that you seem to be unaware of: We are right in the middle of becoming divorced. This is a divorce that you filed for, and that I do not want. I am still very hurt, depressed, and angry about this. I am not going to simply get over this in a few weeks.

Why do you think I would want to go hang out at the pub,"just to catch up"? Do you really think that I should be over this already? That while in the process of you destroying our relationship, our financial security, our children's home life, and our life plans, I should be ready to go hang out with you at the pub "just to catch up"?

Sincerely,
H"

Or do I just bite my tongue, hold my nose, man-up, and go be charming? Put on some cologne, and let her see what she has been missing.

Your comments, as always, are appreciated.

[kml]

Do not, under any circumstances, send that email! You don't want to remind her that you are hurting.

I personally would recommend telling her you're busy that night. Let her wonder what's on your social calendar that you're not at her beck and call. Be mysterious.

If she really wants to "catch up", she'll try to reschedule for another night. If she just wants to spring more divorce financial bad news on you, she can email you.

You don't sound to me like you're in the right frame of mind yet to go and put on a strong game face. Better to wait until you're sure you can.

[TSquared2]

What she said ^^^^^^ !!!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Hi thx,

I've been lurking on your sitch.

I think you should go and keep it strictly business with financial and S stuff only, which is important. Keep it to a business meeting...And you should go looking HOT! Wear that cologne and look awesome.

Then if she starts to try and "catch up" have a reason that you have to leave. Give her more reason to think about her choices.

Just my two cents.

[ForeverYoung]

I think if you want to decline her invitation so that you can start sending the signal that you will not happily remain good buddies as she tears apart your family, that's fine. But don't have it be because "I am still very hurt, depressed, and angry about this."

Have it be based on your principles, and what is and is not acceptable to you within your M. Confidence and assertiveness is attractive, and you need play no games to show this.