Second time around! Advise please.

[NotAgainPlease]

Well I am at this again after 7 years. We were separated for 8 months last time.

This time it is a little different. We have been married almost 15 years and together for 19. We have twin boy/girl 13 year old. My husband has been through a lot of stress for the past 3 years becoming a firefighter paramedic. We have had financial trouble due to this as well.

We have nasty fights and throw around the D word as a threat. I know how wrong this is! DH also drinks a lot. During the week 2-4 beers most nights. When we go to a party he will get trashed. He tells me I am boring because I don't drink a lot and I am not a bundle of fun. I told DH I have to drive your drunk ass home! I grew up with an alcoholic father and hate it. His father and grand father I would call both alcoholics and they both cheated on their spouses. I would say DH drinking has been a major problem for us. He says I am the one who has a problem with is drinking. DH has cut down in the past couple of years. I have learn no to make him mad to avoid a nasty fight.
A month ago DH went to his 20 year reunion and ended up staying in a 5th grade GF's room. He says he has always liked her. Swears they did not have sex. However, they have been having an EA ever since. The got a prepaid phone because I found 10-15 text and 60-90 min calls everyday.
When I found out about her he said they were just friends but he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. He said there is no way we we will get back together!!He says he is dead in side for me. Not her apparently. But, wants to stay in the house for the kids. He said we would try to work on us. Then I found the other phone. DH then said he was lying and had no intentions on working on us. He is in love with EA and never loved anyone like her. He is very angry at me and says we have had a horrible marriage. We can't get along and push each others buttons. He likes to tell me things to get a reaction and then I explode. I am embarrassed to say I am a yeller and trying to work on that. That is his major issue with me.
After DH said 3-4 times saying he has stopped with her and not. I told him he was right we had a bad marriage and we needed to get a divorce. DH said "I thought we were staying together for the kids?" I said I wanted to but I can't handle you EA. Again, he said he would give her up, doesn't want to but will to stay and gave me the other phone.
This was 3 days ago. He sent her a text from regular phone that supposedly says the couldn't talk "right now". WTH! I said that sounds like a few days to me. He wanted to talk to her and let her know what was happening. Oh, I forgot to mention she is also married. He has yet to go one day without contact. Sent her a text late last night. So giving me the other phone is no big deal if he is just using the other one.
I love my husband and want to work it out but he says he hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. I told him if he stayed I wanted to act like a couple and he needs to stay in the bedroom (couch for 2 weeks) and not contact with EA. EA not happening yet but down to once daily, ha ha.
DH slept in the bed 3 nights ago. In his sleep bugged me all night for sex. I finally woke him up. We talked and he said he didn't want me just horny. DH said he wanted to be honest and didn't want to lie to me anymore.
We have tried to get along and work on arguing to defuse it. It is hard for me not to pick about the EA. I am working on it daily and he is too.
Last time he left sex was the only thing that kept us bonded. We ended up having sex that night and then he was very remorseful saying he feels bad for using me for sex.
I have read DB & DR in the past and skimmed through to refresh. I am kind of a loss about what to do next. Since he is home it is hard.
Sorry so long I wanted to give the whole picture.

[Cadet]

Thread from first time

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...581#Post1082581

[Mimi00]

This first thing id say to do is Re-read DR.....don't just skim it.

Also, learn what it means to lovingly detach from your H; not allowing his words and actions to hurt you or trigger you into your own bad behaviors.

I assume a EA/PA isn't a deal breaker for you? If that is correct, stop bringing up the OW. It will be hard, but you telling him not to talk to her will just make him want to talk to her more. You can't control your H....but you can control your response to him. He may continue to call her....but you need to change your part in this cycle...the arguments over it aren't helping your situation.

Other than being a "yeller"/having poor emotion regulation....what are some other things you'd like to work on for yourself that may also postively affect your marriage?

Start GALing. What are your hobbies and likes? Start going out and building your self worth through positive activities. It will help you take your mind off of your sitch as well.

[Mimi00]

I did t see the link Cadet provided until after my previous response...

I see this is your second marriage and as you said this is the second time there has been major issues in this second marriage.

I'm curious to know if you've ever been to IC?
Also when your current H returned, it seems you slid back in to old patterns.
Did you and your current H do any counseling after reconciling?

[NotAgainPlease]

Hi Mimmi30,

I appreciate your advice. I will be reading them in depth again. And ignoring the EA. I know that has been a lot off tension for us. I am dying in side about the EA but no not a deal breaker.
I don't understand why he is so instant on staying here. I know there are financial reasons but he has a single friend who said he could stay for free. I don't want to think that DH wants to stay to work it out. However, he does make sure I hear he is done and will never get back together EVERY DAY!
As far as working on me; I am eating better, working out, riding my horse, going out to lunch with friends. These are things I have let go. I am trying to be positive, the best person and mom I can be.
We did go to CC last time but a waste as my husband lied the hole time because he didn't want to be there. I did some IC at that time as well. We didn't do anything after getting back together. Honestly, we couldn't afford. Also my husband hates it and won't go.
As far as arguing yes, we did fall back to old patterns after a couple of years.

[NotAgainPlease]

I forgot to mention the EA lives 200 miles away in the town he grew up in. DH says he knows it will never work out because he will not move there and she won't move here.HE also said he knows he needs to stop it some time but loves her SO much!He has not seen her since the Reunion.

[AnotherStander]

I forgot to mention the EA lives 200 miles away in the town he grew up in. DH says he knows it will never work out because he will not move there and she won't move here.HE also said he knows he needs to stop it some time but loves her SO much!He has not seen her since the Reunion.

These EA's are tough because it feeds the WAS's fantasy of what a glorious, perfect life they can have together. Once an EA goes PA, the reality of trying to deal with another person's many quirks has a way of crushing the fantasy. You can't do anything to help him on his journey, he's got to figure this out by himself. All you can do is detach from him and work on yourself and leave him to his little fantasy. Just the fact that you know about the A (and that he knows you know) is going to take some of the "fun" out of it because it's no longer a secret.

[NotAgainPlease]

AS,

Thank you!We have talked about that and I said it was a fantasy. No pressure of day to day dealings/problems etc. He agreed.
I have seen his texts and it's fluff and lovey. How much they love each other and wish they were both divorced to see each other. DH says they will never be together though too far apart and shes not planning on divorce at the moment.
I just don't know why he insist on staying in the house. He says we can't afford it. His room would be free at a friends. The last time 8 years ago he couldn't wait to get out.

[HopefulStill]

NAP,

Is the OW's husband aware of the affair? I'm guessing no.

The first thing I would address are your anger issues. It sounds like you both have a poor way of interacting, and someone has to be the first to stop it. I would strive to never yell again, ever (unless there is a fire)! Eliminate all disrespect and anger in your marriage.

I see that you wrote that you didn't change anything after the last crisis. I hope that you do not make the same mistake twice. It is critical that you return to a different marriage than the one that you were in, or you will be doomed to repeat it. You can't afford to go out? Well, can you afford a divorce or an unhappy life? I know I'm over simplifying things, but you can find activities that don't cost money. Even if you just take a nice walk in the park alone in the evenings it would be a great start. Time together, ALONE, is critical. I know a lot of couples that only focused on the kids. Today, many of them are divorced or went through a major crisis.

For most men sex and admiration are what makes them feel loved. Sounds like these broke down for you. Yes, I'm sure there were reasons why the sex wasn't there, or where you didn't feel he deserved admiration. Unfortunately, I'd bet it's exactly those things, admiration and sex (or at least the promise of it) that your husband is getting from the other woman. In the short term, I would recommend that you provide these things to your husband (sex only if you are willing, but admiration certainly). I'm sure there is something you could admire in your husband that you can think of. I'd try your best for three weeks- no anger, be admiring, be alone, sex if you want. Let him know that you want a better marriage, and that you are willing and able to provide it if he joins with you. If he still is not willing to stop contact with the OW, I think you'll have to separate to get his attention.

-hs

[NotAgainPlease]

Hi HS,
No the OS doesn't know.

I absolutely agree about the anger issue. I am working on tat every day. Appreciate your advice.

I may have miss typed. Its not that we couldn't afford to go out. It's afford for DH to move out.

S