Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[PatientMan]

Still struggling with my emotions since my last visit here on the forum. I realize that I have had a lot of stressors lately, I just didn't think it would affect me this way as I thought I was past all of these feelings. Maybe posting a little bit will help by getting "things" out.

XW and I are set to tell the kids on Friday evening. We set the time and day last night when I again had to be the one to bring up the fact that we need to tell them. She suggested that we let them get through the week, tell them, and allow them the weekend to digest it. I agreed and believe that is a sound plan.

I told XW last night before I left that I didn't want to place any blame on anyone in the talk, but that I am not going to lie to the girls and say that "we decided to get divorced" or that "mom and dad agreed it was best to divorce" or anything like that because the fact is that she is the one who pursued and followed through with the divorce, not me. I told her that I don't mean for her to play the martyr, just that the details and specifics weren't appropriate and we need to word it in a way that will be truthfully appropriate.

I didn't say this to her, but it's really difficult to be a man and a father who doesn't sleep under the same roof as his children, ensuring their safety, maintaining discipline, all the things that come instinctively to the typical male. I'm sure any man reading this who has lived through it understands and it's just one of those things that the opposite sex just doesn't fully grasp (and there are countless examples that go either way - I do not mean it in a sexist way), but getting the boot out of the house has been one of the worst things to experience for reasons I never would have imagined without actually going through it.

Increasingly, as I have seen the girls - which is mostly at XW's house - I have had this feeling that I am/we are lying to them about allowing them to have hope and/or expectations with regards to the relationship their parents have. The older ones don't talk about it much, but I can see that they're hurting and they want their dad to come home. The little one is too young to stop asking for what she wants, so she still asks me to stay the night and "when am I coming home?" Those questions...the ones my littlest one asks and the ones my older ones ask only with their eyes...those are the body blows that really accumulate over time and wear me down.

There's the old adage that "men are dogs," but men - at least me - ARE like them in a lot of ways, though the idiom isn't meant in the context I am thieving it for: loyal, quiet, loving, situationally aware, always on guard, ready to defend the family to the death, likes to walk around the house naked, etc...so yeah, I'm a dog. And I'm proud of it.

It's at this point I realize I've gone off on some weird tangent (I am a dog who has been separated from and can no longer serve his family) and you're probably regretting reading this far. I'll try and be more brief with the rest of my updates:

• The anger from two Fridays ago hasn't totally subsided. I'm not walking around ticked off all the time - yelling at street signs and throwing rocks at random objects - but something is inside of me, bothering me, and I may be worn down enough to totally let it go and be done with it.
• This past Friday night I was at XW & kids' house and went to leave for the evening. The kids were upstairs, and XW walked me to the door and asked for a hug. I obliged. In a matter of seconds she was weeping into my chest. She apologized (for the gajillionth time) and simply said, "I don't like it when you leave." Something I learned here was to welcome your WAS' emotions, but be guarded with your own. I very rarely ever let the guard down, but if I deem it appropriate I may let it down enough to say something. I let it down a little this time and told her, "I don't like to leave either. This is where my family lives. This is where I feel I should be, but this isn't my home anymore, so I have to go."
• Two Saturday nights ago I got hit on by a very attractive woman. I was at a sports bar/restaurant I frequent to eat and watch ball games (just to get out), and it was later in the evening. I presumed what was going on and had to turn down her several requests to go to the next bar with her and her friends (one of which was a casual/new friend of mine that I met at that same pub). He confirmed to me later that she was interested (I didn't think it was a big secret as she was pretty forward), but I'm not there yet. The attention from a very attractive woman was nice. I haven't experienced that in a while.
• XW asked me to help fix her laptop. I spent too much time messing with it before I felt the 2x4 of sandi2's word "used-ship" (in lieu of "friendship") smack me in the brain, which prompted me to say she should just take it in to a specialist.
• Saw my T this past Saturday. A long time ago she mentioned that it sounded like XW (W at the time) wanted all of the benefits of a marriage, without any of the obligations. The memory of her telling me that - maybe a year ago or so - popped into my head while we were sitting there talking about how my last couple of weeks have been hard and hit me out of nowhere, and I told her that I thought she was dead-on-right way back then. I told her I didn't think that XW was intentionally using me or "playing" me, just that she (the T) was correct and I was likely still too accommodating. She made a very astute observation that relates to the "welcome her emotions, be guarded with your own" strategy I learned here and have utilized. She said using that strategy could exacerbate the issue I have now. She noted that XW gets to unload her emotional baggage, vent about her day, etc. and doesn't have to spend any energy listening to me because I'm not talking. I had never thought of it that way before.

Thanks for reading my post!

-PM