"homework" from job - Hi Job, thank you

[Whiterose]

So wonderful that two of you could meet and enjoy a lovely dinner and time together.

Glad you've got some new vigour and plans for Halloween. You sound great Keep it up

[Underdog]

Pud,

It truly WAS a pleasure having you over. We should do that again soon. I hope your S has a good fall break this week!

I left them out since I didn't have time to put anything up yet, but will do that with my S later tonight. Let's see what kind of reaction H will have. Any bets? let's see...nothing, or anger, or sadness.

Nope, no bets. Because you put them out to make you and S16 happy, right? In the new Pud frame of mind, that's all that matters right now.

It's weird he goes out on Sunday nights because he has to work the next day.

Well, we didn't chat about this last night, but my XH used to do the same thing in the timeframe between his DUI and when he actually moved out. He gets up really early for work (always has) and I used to wonder. But I think I remember him telling me that he didn't want to be part of "family time", which was usually on Sunday evenings. I don't know why or what purpose it really served either. I think he was just making sure I got the message that he was the boss of his ornery self?

Today, I awoke with renewed vigor. I have realized I want to try and make this crazy train of a marriage work. I want to see the good people my H used to be. I know he is there.

I'm really glad you woke up feeling this way! You deserve to put all you've got into an A+ effort here. You will never know until you try. And if the doubt creeps in, just remember that your S16 is watching and you're his role model in how to forgive his father, the one who hurts you the most. I know how hard that is, but you all deserve it.

Good luck, enjoy your yummy dinner tonight, and hugs!

Betsey

[Pudmuddle]

I hope your S has a good fall break this week!

I realized his fall break is next week, not this week like I thought. My S was looking at me like I was crazy too, lol.

[uRworthy]

Pud, Cat is one of the people I met in RL and have been friends with for a long time.

She thinks she's harsh, but we all know she's not. She is honest and insightful and one of the best people I know.

[Pudmuddle]

Whiterose thank you!

uR, very cool. good people know good people!

Underdog, thanks again for all your insights.

So my H called me at work before I left. He hasn't done that in a few days. Asked about my SIL and kids in Nevada, because of the recent school shooting. I told him they were no longer living in that area and hadn't been for awhile. Then H asked about some logistical things with S. It was cool and friendly. Then I started to say goodbye to cut it short and he asked if I was going to take dog out for a jog. I said 'sure it's still nice out enough.' I felt like I was speaking to a friend and not someone I would consider H.

Then I got home and the house smelled great because of the chicken I made in the crockpot. S was downstairs in grumpy teenage mode, H was in his room getting stuff ready for his kickboxing class. So I took chicken out and started to cut it. Tasted a piece. It was yum, so I started talking to myself about how good it was. "this is mighty good if I do say so myself!" "Yuummy!"

Then I told H about some clothes of his I had folded and they were on bed upstairs. He said ok, but he didn't go get them. Then he mentioned how one of the dogs had an accident in the cage and said 'But I didn't clean it'. Really...

After that he was talking about the dryer and how the clothes (mine) were not dry so he hit the button again to cycle and he said with pure amazement "and then it just shut off", almost like he had no idea how to fix it... I said "It was on a low setting so probably thought it was done".

Two very weird behaviors, because normally he would have been all over those two things. He is a fixit guy. He does not like messes and would have fiddled with the dryer til it worked.

I SWEAR their brain just shuts down during this crisis mode. GEEEZ.

Then I set up Halloween decorations all by myself because S was grumpy. SHEESH, nothing like TWO teenagers in the house and both grumpy or have lost their minds. I just kept plugging away reminding myself in my head 'I am good I am well I am happy'. BUT IN CRAZYTOWN.

I found myself muttering out loud a couple of times "I swear this house has gone to nutville"

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Cadet,

Meeting other LBS is by far one of the best things that you can DO.

It was SO nice to talk with someone in person about this cr@p. Agreed. I wish we all could have a meetup somewhere!

Sorry that DB does not embrace it and hopefully I will not be moderated for what I am saying but after having met many other LBS's I can truthfully say this.
Glad that the two of you worked this out.

I will come visit you in db jail. Yeah it's unfortunate but also understandable. I'm sure there is some liability in there somewhere.

I dont live in the Rocky Mountain state but I did go to school there.
I happen to know at least 5 others from your area to, at least 2 or 3 that used to post here.

It's a great place to be from. Lots of nice people. Beautiful state.

Keep up the AWESOMENESS!

Most Certainly!!!!!!

[Pudmuddle]

So today...

H didn't come up to room and say goodbye this morning. That was ok though. He didn't call on my way home from work. That was ok.

Then when I got home, a little bit later than usual because I had to stop at the drugstore, he was in the kitchen. While I was taking off my coat he came over to me and stood almost right in front of me but leaned on the couch. He didn't say anything, so I said "Hey, how was your day?" He said "Oh you know", which usually means same ol' sh*T. So I said "that bad huh?' and chuckled. Then he started going on about how people complain a lot and the processes at work never change and he had to go to his boss with a complaint. I just looked at him and listened. Then when he got to a certain point I said "That must be really frustrating huh?". He said "Yeah it sure is and..." he started to go into way more detail (db works!!) but then suddenly realized he was TALKING to me about frustration, lol, and snapped back with "but it will never change". I just smiled and said "Well you CAN change the way your brain thinks about it, then it would be different" and laughed a little. He kind of smirked and said "well yeah"

Then we talked about the dog that had been a little sick, and then talked about my S being a teenager and in his mr moodypants mood. H said, I just don't know sometimes (about S) and I said "well yeah, I keep telling myself he IS a teenager! and just let him be".

Then H asked about my workday too. Then he told me about how he had to teach the kickboxing class tonight because one of the owners had stopped teaching it for the month.

SOoooooo, nothing earth-shattering today, just seemed like he WANTED to talk with me and WANTED to see if I would say hi to him first.

Sigh. kids. lol.

Lovely things that happened today:

A friend from work I hadn't talked to in a while, came over and talked with me about marital issues. She was loving and supportive of what I was doing. It made me feel great.

I stopped at the drugstore to get a few things and got some pumpkin pie spice Kisses and chocolate Kisses. I brought them home to put in a bowl just cuz.

Brought my son some lemon wafer bars in a bag. He hugged me and said in his silly way "You have made a child so happy", LOL and pretended to weep. That made me feel good and laugh. He is so funny.

[Pudmuddle]

Well fudgerockets.

I thought things were going okay. Drat.

My H came upstairs after he got home, to get the dog that sleeps on my bed to see if he had to go outside. Then when he brought the dog back he kind of closed the door. Ought O, i thought.

H: I'm going out Friday night. I wanted to tell you earlier but you just got home from work and all.
Me: Ok

H: I noticed earlier you moved your ring from your right hand to your left when you got home.

Me: I didn't do that on purpose. I had honestly absentmindedly moved it to my other hand.

H: Well I'm the one asking for the separation and divorce, so you don't have to worry about that.

Me: I honestly don't know why I did that. A freudian slip.

Honestly I didn't remember doing that.

H: Well I don't mind if you want to go out.

Me: I'm married!

He just stared at me.

Me: You obviously want to talk. What's on your mind?

H: I'm honestly sorry for all the hurt. For hurting you when your father died. You asked me to apologize for all that stuff.

Me: I never asked you to apologize. I said your actions would speak louder than your words.

H: I'm sorry for all the hurt.

Me; If you want a divorce, then YOU are going to have to file it, and YOU are going to have to do it. I still believe in our marriage. I still believe in you.

Quietness.

M: I'm worried about you, because what you are looking for now is just all a bandaid for the hurt. Don't you want to look inside yourself to find out what will make you happy again?

H: Yes, I do.

Me: Every time things get rough you run away. Don't you want to look deep inside and figure out why? You have often always expected me to keep you happy when you weren't happy. And that is a huge burden to put on another person. You can't love someone else wholly until you love yourself.

(You can tell I'm a talker...)

H: Yeah, you're right. I did expect you to make me happy, fulfill my needs....even in all my...neediness. That was a lot to put on you.

M: that butterflies and giddy feeling you get from someone isn't love. That's only temporary. Real love is being there for someone even in the worst times and sticking by them, helping them through it and coming out better for it.

H: I know I wasn't there for you. Especially when your father died. It was just such a heavy time.

M: I understand that.


M: I do want to know at some point how you feel I've failed you as a wife.

H: ok...I can think..on that. He seemed real sad about that.

M: If you want the divorce then I honestly cannot be friends with you. Because then you will have left me as a H and as a best friend.

He got real sad and nodded his head. Then he quietly said "ok". and left the room.

Ok, folks. I'm seriously now thinking about asking him to move out. I don't know if I can handle having him here anymore.

[Pudmuddle]

Someone talk me down. i'm crashing...

[etc]

Pudmuddle, you handled that splendidly from what I can tell. I know I talk too much and often get myself into trouble with that. You sounded great in this situation. I think you made a lot of great points, stuck to your principles and yet kept your cool. I can see why it would be tough to be living with him knowing how he feels about things. Take some time before asking him to move out. Can you put a limit on how much you can handle? Maybe schedule that decision to ask him for a few days from now before doing anything? Regardless, you're handling things well. I'm pretty impressed.

ETC