Living on a roller coaster

[job]

A baby step in the right direction.

[CallaghanClown]

Freudian slip maybe but he just ended his call "ok love you".

Don't worry I'm chalking it down to habit but I'd love to get to the stage when he does end calls with 'I love you' again. It was our thing. We always said it should be the last thing we ever says to each other just in case!

Sadly the main part of the conversation was to tell me he's informed XYZ that we had separated. Oh well, I have to get used to it soon.

[CallaghanClown]

I'm still wading through all the recommended threads and I've come across references to thinking your H had brain damage. My H was a sportsman and over the past 2/3 years I've had several occasions, including visits to doctors/specialists, when I've asked if repeated knocks to the head could be causing his withdrawal/memory loss/lack of motivation/depression etc. I'm starting to realise his MLC journey has been going on for far longer than I ever imagined.

There have been so many occasions when he's been incoherent, forgetful to the point of dangerous (forgetting to feed the kids), unresponsive (unable to hear anything the kids said to him). It's all starting to click now.

But what stage is he in now?

Could it still be Replay? I get the impression he's realised the sex texts are fulfilling the pain he has.

Depression? He's been depressed for years. I has thought he was improving but in Friday his depression was worse than ever.

It can't be withdrawal because he texts/calls me every day.

It's certainly not acceptance!

I wonder how much longer it will be till be moves fully into depression so we can get closer to acceptance?

I know they say not to set yourself any timescales but I don't think I could hold out for longer than I year. I'm still young and want to be loved again one day!

[job]

CC,
The forgetfulness, lack of motivation, etc. are signs of depression and yes, they do tend to have selective memory while in mlc. Please remember that depression is the driving force behind MLC and when they do eventually get to the stage of serious depression, that depression is very dark and deep and that's when withdrawal is very noticeable.

You h is most likely replay and depression. The stages are just tools to help you better understand what he's experiencing. Your h can move through all of them, bouncing back and forth. The only stage that will not be bounced around, i.e., back and forth is acceptance. When they get to this stage they won't go all of the way back to anger. They may revisit a bit of replay, but nothing like they did in the beginning. They will struggle w/themselves trying to find the right "persona" to exit with...but that's a ways down the path.

It takes as long as it takes and there is no set time limit for the stages. H determines when he moves along and how fast. His issues will drive that bus for him.

Again, the stages are only meant to help you better understand the personality changes. Timelines will vary as well as how your spouse will grow during his crisis, i.e., the stages. The stages are very similar to grieving.

[Whiterose]

CC my H and yours, emotionally, sound very similar. My H is deeeeeep into replay but suffers great from depression and even has hints of withdrawal sometimes (I've messaged him twice this week and the second time he called my S18 to respond and I asked S to ask H to respond to me directly) He has suffered from depression for years as well. Forgetfulness has always been a bone of contention for us but I knew it was worse when one time my SIL commented that she keeps having to tell him the same stuff over and over again.

Not as young as you but still have a few years left in me:) that I would like to enjoy with a partner and like you a year is my time frame. I'll need to see some type of movement by then. In my sitch, though, my H is aggressively seeking D and will be signed, probably, by the year mark which, for me, will give me a push to move forward.

Feel what you need to feel.......we're all going through so much we don't need to feel guilt over our own emotions too.

Take care

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks Job and Whiterose

My husband comes from a deeply dysfunctional family. He has been working since he was very very young (my children's age) in the family business and has mentioned this enough times for me to know that he feels resentful for it. However he has rarely acknowledged this emotion. He was raised part time by his grandmother away from his mother and father because of the family business and she forced high quantities of food down him and his brother, leading to massive childhood obesity. He later became a sportsman to combat this.

His parents were functioning alcoholics, although his mother died in his late teens (not alcohol related) and has since been given sainthood. However the stories he tells paint a darker picture of her role within the family. His father was violent and verbally abusive to him and his mother (I'm not sure about his brother, this has never been mentioned).

He was raised openly talking about 'getting rid of' and 'hating' his father. His father slipped into a deep depression after his wife died and my H was left to look after the family business, which subsequently failed. From that point on his father never provided for the family again and expected to be looked after by his children. My H also expected to be looked after and but a huge burden on his older brother.

By the time we started a relationship, I had been friends with him for about 8 years. He drank alcohol but not excessively but was terrible with money. From the day we started our relationship I have provided for him financially, cooked, cleaned and looked after him. He was adopted by my family instantly as he wasn't in a great relationship with his family. Within the first year they had almost completely abandoned him. Sporadically they would wave an olive branch at him, but they hated that he didn't NEED them anymore. Finally 3 years ago their lying and verbal abuse drive my H to never speak to them again......until 1 week after he left!

It's only now I can see that he's never financially matured. Making him the breadwinner one year ago was far too much of a responsibility for him. When he left he said that he loved me but wasn't in love with me and that the affair was his way out. He said he'd been considering leaving for a year. This is also around the time I suffered a short bout of depression.

He's also never emotionally matured. He's always had someone to look after him.

I'm terrified that these issues will mean a very long MLC. Fingers crossed he's potentially been in MLC for 3 years. Hopefully one more year will kick him back out having worked through his issues.

***work on me.....let him work on himself.....what will be will be***

[CallaghanClown]

I forgot to mention that when clearing out his stuff I found daily recipes for masses of food. Really really unhealthy food. It's so out of character for him. He's always really looked after himself.

He's gained a lot of weight recently but I presumed it was because he wasn't working out as much due to work.

[job]

CC,
Your h isn't the same person he was pre crisis. He is now the exact opposite, so if he took care of himself before, he most likely won't now. They can either gain a lot of weight or lose a lot of weight...it just depends on how the depression hits them. My xh lost a lot of weight and later on during the crisis gained a large amount of weight to the point of being obese and still is.

Your h has a lot of childhood issues going on and he sounds a lot like my xh not being financially or emotionally mature. It takes a long time for them to figure things out. I do hope your h comes through his crisis a better man. Just remember, it will take as long as it takes for him to resolve his issues.

Dig deeper for patience and learn as much as you can about depression and mlc. Knowledge is power.

[Whiterose]

Wow wow wow CC. You and I could interchange our H's childhood stories I've posted it in some of my earlier threads if you're interested.

My H has lost weight but recently he needed emergency gallbladder surgery which leads me to believe he is eating, and living, like he was pre-marriage.

There's just no understanding things

[CallaghanClown]

This is all fun and games.

Just found out he's lying to me about silly things. He's gone back to playing sport but instead of saying that he made up a silly lie. Why? I know he's not the man. I know, but I just don't get it. Stupid and pointless.

Must ask all friends not to tell me what he is or isn't doing.....it just annoys me.