I told W about S4 on Friday getting upset, she said they miss me and that is why they have been Skyping more. She said it would be good if they could see me more.
You walk right into it every time you tell her something about the kids acting sad. She jumps on it to jab you with a guilt spear. Stop setting yourself up to get more depressed whenever you try to discuss something with her. She is going to use it against you every time. It's amazing how she can turn it around and make you feel guilty over what she has caused.
IMO, when a couple are separated and reconciliation is not on the horizon, I don't believe they should continue to share holidays & events. Let her give him a BD party and have whoever she wants to attend. Then you will have your party for him and invite who you want. That's how it is when a family is divided. Hopefully, this will begin to help you prepare for the holidays coming up.
BTW, I'm really proud of how you handled your anniversary! I knew you could do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Heard very little from W early in the week. I messaged her on Wednesday to tell her that I cannot afford to keep the cats anymore and she will need to take them or I will start lookig for another home for them. I found this very difficult but I never wanting animals, I don't pay them any attention I just feed them, they don't get the love they deserve. W came back with all sorts from selling the house to remortgaging to save money so I could keep them. I told her I couldn't sell the house or anything else because of her home rights. She said I could do it with her permission. She said she would agree to a remortgage if she got some of the money from the remortgage and then half later on when the house sells. This would make it practically useless for myself.
She said she asked her landlord and they said really she shouldn't have the cats but they will let her.
On Wednesday morning she text this: W: What is your annual salary? Now that is has been "cut"? Me: Why? W: Well I'm wanting to know why the csa are taking so long with the kids money. I'm barely scraping by here now you are not financially supporting your kids. Me: Don't pull that one. You chose the CSA route. I don't have a choice in the matter. My salary was excessively incorrect and I contacted them about it when I got the paper work. They sent me papers to fill in which I got on Monday. I am posting them back today. Have you tried contacting them? W:Your salary was 'incorrect' since when??? Last April and only now your doing something about it. I know full well you get a payslip each month with your annual pay on it and only now you are correcting it. Very [censored] convenient. It's the kids you are holding back on. The house is freezing and I need nappies. I don't mind going hungry myself but when I'm scraping by and having to borrow money for petrol it's not a very nice thing. I'm disgusted that you can treat your kids this way. You are not a man! And now I have two bloody cats to feed. Do you know what. Keep the cat's cos I cant afford them either! You are a heartless bastard and I'll never forgive you for putting me and the kids in this situation. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows what a [censored] dad you are. You won't be having these kids until youstart financially supporting them. You disgust me. M: When i received the CSA paperwork it had my salary wrong. I contacted them that day and spoke to them. They said they would send some paperwork out to me and contact work. A week later I contacted them again and said I didn't receive anything. They chased it up for me. M: Monday I received the paperwork, I have done what needs doing and sending it back today. M: It blows my mind that you blame me for all of your problems. W: YOU are my [censored] problem!!! W: I wish I'd never met you
Two hours later (I had to contact the CSA anyway)
Me: I asked the CSA when you will receive the money and they said that you need to contact them. W: I've already spoken to them. They said they are waiting on paperwork from your employer that was posted last week. Me: No paperwork received at work. They phoned here and spoke to accountant. He said they asked some questions and he had to correct some details they had about me.
The next day... Me: Can I Skype the kids please? No reply.
Sunday night: W: You are an absolute loser for not turning up or evening contacting your child on his birthday. Shame on you!!! I didn't reply.
So she see's it as my fault that a government body is failing to get her money for her. Won't let me have or speak to the kids but calls me allsorts for not seeing or speaking to the kids. Crazy!
I thought I did OK in the interaction. The only words that were not constructive were "Don't pull that one." A lot of her spewing falls on deaf ears now. Can't afford nappies, heating or food. Can go on vacation though. The text I got on Sunday night hit me for about 5 seconds and I shrugged it off as her issues. Of course I have missed S2 and wish things were different.
I went to the wedding night do Saturday night. My W's best friend (last year before she left me) and her boyfriend were there (both S4's godparents). I hadn't seen them for a year. They are very middle of the road people, don't get involved in anything. She told me what she thought of what W was doing and that she didn't agree with the decisions she was making. Both of them were very supportive and I was able to talk to them about all sorts. My brother was taking the pictures at the wedding and asked me to stand by the video camera to make sure no one walked in front of the camera for the first dance. I'm stood there at a wedding night do 5 years and one week after my wedding, in a 3 piece suit, 3 meters away from the bride and groom. My W's head bridemaid was there in a bridemaids dress, my brother was taking pictures as he did for mine. As the first dance started it was the same song W and I had! I couldn't believe it. For split second the floor could have swallowed me up. Within 10 seconds I was fine and enjoyed the moment for what it was. It was a decent night and I enjoyed catching up with everyone.
Hopefully I will get the kids this weekend and have a party for S2. I'm really missing them.
I've got a meet up with a girl I met online on Wednesday just to see how we get on in person. Should be intertesting. I'm currently speaking with 3 women online and it's a lot of fun.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I do not think OK covers it – you did great! You kept to the facts and stayed away from the spewings. I would properly have gone furious and lost my mind!
IMO: She is going in circles and you haven’t heard the last of this yet! Hopefully Sandi will come by and advice you. I think she will properly pull some of her previous things (sweet-talk, mini-skirt etc) on you shortly. I will properly be 2x4 because of writing this but that’s my thought.
A FEW THOUGHTS: Consider telling her to speak/write in a proper language. You did so well staying out of fighting! Perhaps consider a bit of validating to take the top off her spewings. Instead of: It blows my mind that you blame me for all of your problems. Perhaps try: W, I am sorry you feel that way…… or likewise. You know the drill!
Originally Posted By: T
Hopefully I will get the kids this weekend and have a party for S2. I'm really missing them.
You need to get this settled so she can’t use the kids against you again. What can be done about this?
Oh, and do find the cats a new home quickly. One less problem!
Originally Posted By: T
I'm currently speaking with 3 women online and it's a lot of fun.
Sounds like you are enjoying your selves and taking a well-deserved break from sit!
All the best F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I don't have any advice to add. You were wonderful! You are doing much better than I ever could act toward a woman who twisted everything around to sound like it was my fault....and use the kids to guilt me into doing what she wants.
As for validating, IDK. It doesn't come very natural for you and she just thinks you are kissing a$$. I do understand what F means by taking the edge off her anger, but I don't know that it works in her case. I think you would need to be very careful agreeing with anything she said or even sounding like you "understand" what she's going through. She may be saving all the TM also, and she would use it against you.
You aren't arguing with her when she baits you, and you aren't allowing her guilt trips to get you down....and that takes a lot of inner strength, T. You must feel more confident, b/c you sure are showing it!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good grief T, I don't know how you managed to keep your cool when subjected to that kind of abuse! All I can think of to say is "good job!" My sitch isn't pleasant, but it's a field full of blooming daisies and hummingbirds compared to what you are going through! Hang in there brother!
T1000....WOW !! I need to take notes! Are you this good "live" too, or is it just because of texting is distant?
Keep it up.
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm finding it easier and easier to not let her have any influence on me. It used to be the majority of my guilt and feelings were created by her statements and accusations and now it has less effect than a complete stranger saying it because I know me more than I have ever known me and I know her more than I have her known her.
Most of these types of interactions are text based. When she texts me about money I realize that the importatnt part of the message is the boys might be going without so I looked into the situation with that in mind and nothing else. The text about S2's birthday is just her opinion, so even though I feel it as a slight glancing blow it's just the ramblings of a confused and angry woman that has nothing to do with me.
I don't tend to state my boundaries over text because I can ignore my phone with ease plus I like the fact that it shows her that name calling doesn't work. In person I would warn her and then walk away.
I'm getting more and more confident as time passes. I notice it in different areas of my life. I used to be the quiet one who hid behind others. Now a lot of the time I'm at the front making the noise (well for me anyway).
I don't look at W anymore and think she is all my future can be. I do have to admit that the attention from the women has helped greatly in detaching from her.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
