As usual, most awesome post and insight cat. I was struggling with the trust issue as well and you have helped me to answer or at least look at a lot of questions I had. Thank you, again.
Ang, good stuff from cat here. Read and reread this. I hope you are doing better today.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hi Angela, we can do a virtual whiskey shot together!
Just read through some of your recent posts. Sorry you have had to go through that. I have heard a lot of things your H has told you come out of my H's mouth at times. Particularly the "how can I trust that you will change?" bit. The key there is to keep with your changes and be consistent. It is really his loss if he doesn't recognize what an effort you are putting in to change and better yourself. The changes you are making are really helping you become a stronger person! You have already come such a long way with your changes! You will come to realize that no matter what happens you will be so grateful that you made these changes within yourself!
I am proud of how you reacted to his temper and harsh words. You did exactly the right thing telling him that you needed a bit of space and time to think about things and did not want to make any quick decisions. I used to constantly feel that I was "trying to keep calm in the eye of the storm". My H's moods would be all over the place, and there I was, caught in the middle of everything.
The others on here have given you some great advice about detaching, not letting his emotions affect you. Over time the detaching gets easier as well. I think you are doing the right thing by giving him some space right now, it will benefit the both of you.
Take care! -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Thank you all!! I will reflect and respond later today. I have a question, though, that I need help with ASAP. I am having a lot of anxiety, which I'm sure is totally normal, given the circumstances! LOL.
But, I keep feeling like I can't breathe....and I keep having racing thoughts....and I can't stop thinking about him and her.....and I keep having triggers that remind me of times that I NOW realize he lied about stuff that involved the OW.
Any tips, suggestions, techniques to help???? I'm at work and need to focus on work.
I tried to do as little as possible during those time periods and breathe, relax and try to stay away from anxiety-producing actions such as looking at FB.
I tried to pamper myself and just get through the day. Nights were the worst. But believe it or not, it got better.
I posted here a lot and gathered a lot of strength from folks here and from reading the archives. That got me through a lot of bad spots.
Seeing an IC and talking occasionally to a trusted sister also helped temporarily.
You'll get through it. Really you will!
Thinking of you today, Hoping for strength and courage for you, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Both of your comments made me realize something just now. Light bulb!
The OW said she would end contact with him when we talked because he had told her he was already divorced and she was really mad at him, but I, obviously, don't believe her. How could I? They are both liars.
But, I've been OBSESSING about them still being in contact. It is driving me crazy wondering if they're still talking behind my back.
I was just considering texting her again about this stuff...because I was worried about him going back to her. She begged me not to "ruin her"...but I told her that I'm too classy to behave that way.
Anyway, DUH, I have NO control over this. At all. I can worry about it all I want, but it won't change anything. If he goes back to her, he does. If she is stupid enough to take back a man married to someone else who had been lying to her, she does.
I don't have a say. Period. It STINKS big time. But, I have to get this through my head!!!!
Ang, there is the db technique of putting a STOP sign in your head when these thoughts start to come on. Think of a mantra you can say to that will calm you down.
For example, my way is to picture the thought in my head as a picture, then I smash it and it breaks up and floats away.
I also say "soothe the mind, calm the brain". I don't know where this came from but it's my way of letting go of the freaked out thoughts.
And trust me, this does get easier as far as the panic attacks, mind racing, adrenalin flowing, wake in the middle of the night terror thoughts. The more you practice db and stopping those thoughts the better it will become.
Just keep moving along, practicing, reading all you can and doing stuff for YOU and your great kids.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
