went2fast

[shouldistillhope]

Hi everyone,

Its been well over a month since i posted last, i sort of took a self imposed break from this for awhile to try and regroup a bit and gain a new perspective on things.

I will try and catch up with what has been going on with everyone else, and also give a bit of an update on my own sitch.

I find each day still challenging, but in different ways. The emotional toll of the last few months is slowly beginnig to get better. I am getting closer each day to purchasing my own house (crossing my fingers)and that is really helping me keep my mind off XW, but presents itself with a new kind of stress. I still have strong urges to reach out and contact XW and invite her to dinner or a movie, but thanks to some well timed advice and my own instinct i haven't done that yet.

The hardest part of all this, is seeing what it is doing to my kids. It is very hard on them, and when it is time for them to go back to XW after having them on weekends, they break down sobbing in front of her telling her they don't want to go back with her and that they want to stay with me. At times i struggle with almost hating her for not trying to work things out, but that was not a decision i was a part of and i can't control her or her choices in life. I am a very nostalgic person and there are times when i am out and i see things that remind me of our past and it slams me in the chest like a lead hammer. But i find myself being able to move past those feelings a lot quicker than i have in the past.

One hard part for me though is the loss of friends. I got pretty close to alot of mutual friends throughout our marriage, and now that i have moved, i don't see them or hear from them and that kind of hurts at times. Everyone kind of moves on with their own lives and i guess this is part of life for me for right now.

I have been fortunate enough to have met some new friends and even started dating a woman this past summer. We dated a few times and then realized that we were just better off being friends. As it turns out, she has become a very close friend to me and it is amazing just having someone there who listens when i need her and i try to use my new skills when she needs someone to talk to as well. We text or talk every day, and it is so different having someone who just wants to be there for me as a friend.

I have a date at the end of this week with a woman who i met on an online dating site and i am a bit nervous as to whether or not i am ready for this. I am just going to put my faith in God and see where he leads me on this one. At times i feel like i would like to have my family back together, but right now if XW isn't ready to put forth the effort i don't feel like i can wait for her to come around. All part of moving on i guess.

Getting a life has been a bit more difficult since there seems to always be more bills to pay and i have been putting in 11 to 12 hour days plus half days on Saturdays. Then i go get my kids and spend the rest of Saturday and Sunday with them. Just don't seem to get out as much as i would like, but for right now that is my life. Hopefully as things move forward, that will change as well.

Well, i hope everyone can keep putting one foot in front of the other and find a reason to smile every day.

Best of luck to all of you.