Releasing...

[planet]

JonF
Same thing happened to me earlier. My W just start blaming me for our past and present (her) problems. Can't even have a decent conversation about the kids.

So i understand how it feels like. Kindred spirit, eh?

[JayMan]

Yep, and she wonders why she can't decide if divorce is right.

I feel released, clear, focused - at this juncture, I wouldn't talk to W unless she came in and said, "Divorce is dismissed, and I'm in 100%". Even then, I'd probably say, "Why don't you take a week and be sure".

Ready to start fresh!

[AnotherStander]

Jon, you did a good job of incorporating some of the 5LL techniques into your convo, but once again you blew several perfect opportunities to validate. What you don't seem to get is your wife's feelings are VERY real, and you just keep blowing them off like they don't matter. "Oh sure you have issues with the past, but I can't change the past, so who cares? Embrace the future!" That's your attitude and it's ridiculous. It's totally anti-DB too.

So now your wife isn't jumping all over your two months worth of pseudo DB'ing so you're just going to quit? You say you don't want 2x4's, but you NEED them pretty desperately because you are ill-equipped to enter into another long term relationship until you do some more growing.

[JayMan]

AS, I KNOW they're real. I've validated her hurts 100s of time even if I haven't reported them on here. I've named and taken specific acceptance for hurts that I've caused, indicated I knew they were wrong, and made specific changes of habits for those that W has even said to me she knows are real changes. And I'm not quitting on HER, I'm just not going to keep trying to discuss the same crap over and over. And believe me I won't have any other relationships - whew, not worth it.

I actually later apologized to her for my anger and bluntness. I told her that having to relive mistakes of the past was very hard for me, especially when I knew how much it has hurt her, and I lashed out unfairly. She actually responded and accepted my apology, and said she was sorry for bringing up the past over and over, but she just didn't know what to do and felt like she couldn't trust anyone.

I left it there; didn't know what else to say except "trust ME" - but I knew that wouldn't fly. She has said "I can't trust anyone" for the last 6-8 weeks; how do you validate that?

[NTX_Dad]

Her venting is part of her healing. If you really want to help her, you, and the marriage, it's part of the deal. People grieve and heal in different ways, and it's compounded without professional help. What ever happened in your short marriage seems to have been pretty traumatic for her.

I agree with AS, it seems like you want a quick fix and since you aren't getting it, you are ticked off.

I hate to say it, but you need to learn what's going on with you. You've been here twice now and you seem to think you've changed and figured it out in a couple of months, and without IC. I'm telling this to you as a virtual friend, there is no way you've cured whatever bad dynamic happened in the M.

I can only share from my experience that I was separated for 14 months, had over 50 IC sessions, and we've been back together for 15 months now, and I learned last night that I've back slid a little on some of the things that hurt our M in the past, and I am booking a IC appointment in 20 minutes when their office opens.

Being in a great M is A LOT of work and never stops.

[NTX_Dad]

I re-read my post above. I regret it sounds like I've painted her as a victim. She most likely has things in her past as well. I am not saying you are a bad person and she's not, but rather that you both are individuals with different pasts and feelings and that you both need to work on yourselves, and as a couple.

[labug]

Jon, again read and reread NTX's posts.

You have such a hard time when things aren't black or white, when things are uncertain. That's something you can learn to deal with because nothing in the world is black or white or certain.

[JayMan]

I think what everyone may be missing is that I have worked on this for months prior to BD. W would lay in bed most of the day watching TV, for probably 6-8 months leading up to the BD. I would take care of kids, clean, take them out for fun stuff. W would get up some days for an hour to make dinner, then she'd take her dinner back to bed and ignore all four kids. She was suffering from deep depression, and I knew that. I asked her to see a doctor for medication, or a counselor, and she refused. I offered to go with her, offered to set it up for her. I would bring her flowers, chocolates, take her on dates to nice restaurants (about the only time she'd get out of bed). She got mad, took the beautiful flowers I got her, and walked in and slung them at me and all over the room. I would bring her coffee in bed; told her if she'd get up for four hours just to start that I'd take her away for a weekend. She would obsessively watch the tv show Ugly Betty over and over again - it was running almost all the time.

She would yell at kids to get in bed, but never help them, tuck them in, etc. When I would ask her to please go see a doctor because I hated seeing her so sad, she would cuss me out.

The final 'blow' was her deciding to go to her mom's for 6 weeks while the step-kids were with their biological dad. So she went to Texas and basically sat at her mom's house or at the beach. I even encouraged it, told her to take the time to pray and think. I flew down to surprise her while she was down there, and took her on dates and to dinner (I didn't know the EA was going on at this time). Hindsight being 20/20 she was real weird, didn't want to have sex, slept in a different room - I should've known something was going on.

I'm not a saint - I've got plenty of my own issues. But after spending 6 months desperately trying to help her, four months ago I got an EA, a BD, and W blaming me for everything.

Maybe a bit of background helps explain my mindset? I'm not saying this excuses me being done, or my poor attempt at DBing, but I'm exhausted over all.

[NTX_Dad]

Well I'm not sure what to tell you then. I just know from my experience that our sitch surfaced 2 1/2 years ago. We've both have been through a lot of counseling, both together and separate, we were separated for about 14 months, she ultimately had a short term EA/PA, and we've been back together for 14-15 months, and we still both occasionally back slide.

We had many texts/arguments as you described up until the 10-11 months of being separated. I don't think I even recognized I had my own issues until the 6th or 7th month of being apart, and even then it took 5-6 months of working on "me" before we started talking about getting back together.

We don't know you and can only share experiences. I can only share with you that it's a long process and takes a lot of work. I sense that you sometimes get defensive when you hear advice on here, and if my "Spidey Senses" are accurate, then she probably senses it as well in your encounters/fights/texts.

Your mileage may vary.

[Mimi00]

Since you are officially done, it will be great to see a shift in your thread from the dynamics b/n you & W, to more of a focus on you and what you are doing to become better for yourself. In the thread before this, as well as this one, I get a feeling of anxiousness just by reading...I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride with you, so I can only imagine how much more intense it is for you & your W with this back and forth, dark, dim, done, not done.

So if you are truly done this time, do you have new goals for working on yourself?