Confused about Detaching Part 2

[cat04]

Angela,

Sorry I worked all weekend but you have been in good hands...

I am sorry you had the hard conversation with your H the other day, however, you got a lot of good information even if you don't realize it yet.

He tells me he feels dead inside. He tells me that he is angry at the world and God. He says he doesn't understand why I keep thinking that I am the problem...that he is just miserable with his life in general. He says that he works so much and spends time with his friends to get away from the way he feels.

He completely admits to being depressed for the past 2-3 years and since he got laid off from his job that he loved. However, he tells me that he will never get put on meds or see a counselor. That it is his problem to deal with and that he doesn't want anyone else to know his private problems.

He tells me to quit trying to "fix" him...(guess I need to work on this one.)

He tells me that he knows I will never let the affair go and that he doesn't want to keep hearing about the OW for the rest of his life. I did tell him that I need to hear some things about her to get her out of my mind...but that I know I can't obsess about her or keep bringing her up. He keeps telling me over and over that I'm not getting it. That the OW has nothing to do with me or our marriage or our problems...



He said, "I don't think this will work. What if we re-evaluate in 2 months, and nothing has changed?"

All of this is common with MLC.

He is scared. He doesn't have any clue how to deal with any of this.

Many of them don't want to go to a counselor. It can take years for that to happen if it ever does.

They lack the ability to forgive. The lack the ability to see that it CAN happen.

They worry about the What if's more than we do, believe it or not. They want fixes without the work. And they are afraid of taking the risk to see what the outcome might be. They pick a course of action and feel that that is it. Until they can't take it anymore and simply pick another course of action.

I had a conversation with my X about a year after I moved out. He admitted that he actually did wonder what if we had tried again...and he still didn't know if it would have worked. That is part of what kept him from even making the effort.

Right after H left and I posted on here, this morn, a good friend texted to let me know that H was spewing all kinds of hate and inappropriate stuff on Facebook about me. I made myself NOT get on Facebook all day. I do not want to be hurt over and over about stupid stuff he's posting on there in his anger and guilt and confusion. I hate Facebook...and I hate that he reconnected with HER on there and is not using it to get back at me.

Stay off Facebook. There are days, I really wish the social media bug hadn't bitten the people of this world. I simply don't understand the need for it...

It was nice for me to get away, too, except that my mom kept wanting to talk about my marriage and H. She kept coming up with plans for my D and kept trying to force me to make decisions.

Friends and family don't want you to hurt. It is probably best to try not to depend on them too much for that.

IF you do reconcile, you want it to be as easy as possible for both you and your H. Some people won't understand. The less of the ugly details that people know, the easier it will be for them to accept your decision.

I hate the "what ifs". What if H decides to leave me anyway? What if he stays and I can never trust him again? What if we are both broken and damaged for the rest of our lives? What if he never comes out of his MLC?

What if's scuk but they are a part of life.

Nothing, is guaranteed even if we think it is.

1. Your H has already left you in every way except physical. And you are still here.
So check that one off.

2. It will be up to you to decide if you are going to work in the direction of being able to trust him again. And that is something you need to decide NOW if you are willing to do or not.

If you are not willing to work towards finding forgivness and trust...you are just going to be wasting your time trying to work towards reconciliation and might as well file right now.

Forgivness, is a gift that we give to ourselves. It is not a "free pass" or a forgetting of the hurt.

It is however a freedom. An understanding of others individuality, of others choices, of others actions and a removal of judgement. It allows us to see the action and the person as two separate things. It allows us to know that good people can still make bad choices and see that they are still good people.

One thing your H is correct about is that this isn't about you. He didn't wake up one day and say to himself "I am unhappy so I am going to have an A and make sure that Ang finds out about it and rip her heart out."

More than likely, he connected with OW on FB, started talking and before he realized what was happening, it happened. And he has spent the last year trying to keep you from finding out so you wouldn't be hurt.

Now that you know, he has no clue how to proceed.

Forgivness is paramount to being able to trust.

Trust is the first and easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain.

Even in a new R, you will have to work to have trust. It isn't something that will come blindly to you anymore. That is part of our human nature to protect ourselves.

So the bigger question is are you willing to make the effort? Take the risk? Or not?

3. You are both damaged and broken right now. If you choose not to do the work to heal yourself, you will remain broken and damaged forever. With yourself, with your H, or with someone else.

Is that how you want the rest of your life to look?

4. He may never come out of his MLC. That is just reality. That is not an answer you can find right now.

One of my favorite posters, Fisherman, had a quote in his signature line for a long time (it may still be there) that I just love and remember to this day...

"Stand...but don't stand still."

Don't worry about the is it worth it, should I stand...

At this point, that is exactly what you should do. In order to be able to heal and grow. So that you don't become a permanent resident of Bittersville, USA. Population 1.

Trust me, you will know if and when you are not standing anymore.