hey- i didn't know i submitted the above- oh well huh.
crazy fingers. i hope you're doing okay. it's rough- this craPPOLA. I have nothing wise to offer today- just hang on- to your marbles, to linda - to yourself, whstever.
i think it's all we have right now. maybe forever-
how or why he could or would take a trip with me- have anice time- even stinking bother to see my face - hear my voice - all the while assuring himself & me he wants less of me in his life and won't die if i disappear tomorrow (but doesn't actually wish i were dead or ghone?!!) wtf??? right up there with he's "living alonwe" while HE'S seeing ow- lying and cheating like mad- on the phonje with her -= what? nite & day- etc. what a blind jerk- wonder if just knowing how deluded &nutball he is will be sooooo unfglattering that it makes my caring for him allllll disappear i the end. i know, trying to avoid judgement- kind of hard. like a big bih consstant billboard n his head flashing- i'm quite adeluded jerk - i'm quite a jerk - oh wellhuh.
i do stop frequently to mull over how fortunate i've been and felt in life (alot of the time when i wasn't, but didn't know it) i find myself even grateful for the times of stupidity when i only THOUGHT i was happy and lucky- (and realy wasn't).
i know perspective is everything- i'd like to get back to that good ole happy &lucky outlook. i still feel like my life is more fortunate than most- can't flesh it out- just a notion. objectively speaking- it's quite a giant mess.
subjectively-= i can still find good in me, it, h, etc.
where it all ends up is a crapshoot apparently- and i am not at all a gambling womAN. this man taking a chance on me clearing entirwely out of his existence- brick by brick he's tearing down this good old sturdy "wall" of a life we had together. here's me on he sideline just watching, watching - .
i would seem to be powerless to halt him- just ridin along here.
sad - isn't it? what people do to self, each other, another, so on.
makes me wonder who & if i've destroyed someone- little by little - on purpose without knowing or caring. don't like to think it- wonder if it could be?
back in my mire of self- examination. overthinking universe- r- self- etc. i DO need to stfu- and stay with it. fell off truck yesterday-
i swear tho- sometimes i don't even care what sort of exchange it is- just something beyond light banter & bs. i'm soooo sick of superficial bs. i know it's better than awful spew- HOWEVER- IT'S soooo tiring- acting like i don't care- acting like it's allll okay- acting acting acting. so much for the man i felel in love with who said all i ever had to do wsjust beself- no demands, no changes, etc. yeah- rite huh?????
oh well- i know- detach, gal, etc. sos huh?
i'm outtta here-=
need to go rake- plant some roses i got- and so on. get on with it all- life, work on that huh? ope your day is okay and you're okay. how're the eyes doing?
