DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[DTM]

Quick summary - married 14 years, two wonderful children. I made typical mistakes and caused an emotional disconnect with my wife. I love her dearly. I've read DB and Marriage Fitness. When she asked for a separation I hit rock bottom and did a huge 180 giving her everything she told me I had become complacenet with. Problem is she doesn't want any of it now. Any love I give (a gift, a note, a touch, etc) is absolutely not received or wanted. She has said she does not love me like a wife should love her husband and NEEDS SPACE! Yes, the space and time problem. How does someone do this correctly to be successful? All I want to do is give and all she wants to do is start over to see if my changes are real. I thought she was testing me to see if I would continue to give love and presence as she broke me down harder and harder with each day. We're at rock bottom, still live together but obviously no connection or physical relationship. She did the typical things over the years..not communicating her needs so that I understood them and now she is checked out.
She also had an emotional and short term physical relationship with another woman (her best friend) that to this day gets priority over me. I know what I should do - back way off, just do for the kids, GAL, be happy and WAIT......but HOW?

Thank you for taking the time...I need this badly...it's been 8 months of living hell and I am emotionally destroyed and broken hearted.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Are you still living in the same house? If so

Don't initiate touch, talk, dates, ... No texting, calling, emailing... Live your own life. Go out and do stuff with friends. Don't say what you are doing unless you have kid responsibilities. Don't show any emotion on the outside except happiness. Go to the gym, get a haircut, get new clothes,

No relationship talk whatsoever!!!

See: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

[lovethehub]

I agree with 2nd time. You do not want to go to dark (no contact) but you do want to drop all R talk. As a former WAW, it is frustrating to have your H start doing all of the things you wanted for years once you have finally had enough and want to leave, therefore, no more love notes, gifts, touches, etc.

What you can do is always be kind to her; always be in a good mood, smiling as if you have a little secret; when she talks to you, talk back but don't run at the mouth. reply in a friendly way and then go on about something else.

The most important thing you can do right now is give her the space she is telling you she needs. If you don't, you are continuing to ignore her needs regardless of what you are doing (being nice, love notes, etc).

When I became the LBS, this is what I did in regards to H. I always took a good long look at myself, our R, my part in the downfall of the M, etc. I figured out where I went wrong, the things I was doing that made my H feel unloved, etc. It took about 4 months before H gave me any indication whatsoever that my changes were noticed at all. About a month later I talked to him and apologized for everything I felt I needed to without blame, without justification and without expecting anything in return.

This is going to take time, patience and growth. Journal, come here with questions, take in the advice and use what applies. You will get a lot of help here.

[DTM]

I appreciate the replies. I will readily admit that I certainly fell into the trap of doing ALL the things my wife said she wanted..to the point of suffocating her (her words)..I definitely see how it pushed her further away and made the situation worse.
We do still live in the same house, roommates is the correct term it appears.
My biggest worry is that she dtill has a strong emotional connection & bond with her best friend (the other woman) who fortunately lives in another state now that we moved. I strongly believe that until she makes a choice to stop loving her (constant phone calls, text, facebook, etc) and direct her energy back towards me she will never begin to fall back in love.
When we had this discussion she clearly stated that she does not love me, does not know how to get the love back and is quite unsure if she wants to anyway....but then in the same sentence she will say maybe one day she will ask me back and at that time it will be up to me to accept her or decline. She has told me to move on - go date other women...do my thing. This worries me because it almost seems like a trap to me..to see if I will give up on her. Well, after much thought (I'll be honest here) I went out on a date yesterday (she was out of town with the kids) and it made me feel very indifferent...happy that someone wanted me and sad that it wasn't my wife who I want. I have finally come to terms with patience, time and space and plan to give her all of the above with hope that she will eventually find a reason to miss me and the good that I bring to her and our children's lives. I have quit saying "I love you" and basically stopped pushing any talks about the relationship. I still "DO" for her..like I always have, helping where I should. It's absolutely heart breaking to basically ignore the woman I love...and I think for men who finally "get it" (the wake up call) it's unfair for a woman to think that things will go back to the way they used to be instead of believing they just won the lottery. Going back for me is the last thing I would ever do...why would I want to be that person who caused so much pain in myself and the woman I promised to love? I don't know how to get her to believe that the past is the past...she is stuck on it and truly thinks that since I hurt her she will be hurt again. She is "protecting herself" and has convinced herself that she should not love me again. I will say one final word for now, her family (mom and grandmother) were visiting this past weekend and they both see my change and they both are against a divorce...but they both very much support their child (grandchild) in whatever decision she wants to make. Grandma said to me before she left "make her miss you"...that made me tear up. It [censored].
I'm open to any an all advice...I can guarantee you that this is one man who does "get it" and want my marriage to be better than it ever was....I just need her to believe it, see it and want it too.

[labug]

It's a big leap from a strong connection to a best friend and EA-OW. How did you make that leap?

This is simple but difficult. You've read the book, 2nd and LTH gave you good advice. Now it's up to you.

Become the man you want to be, the man you now say you should have been. That doesn't include doing everything for you W but it does include working together for the household to run smoothly.

You're not ignoring her, you're doing what she asked and doing what you were doing before. What's changed is you now want something you can't have. I think this gives you insight into how your W was feeling for a long time.

Keep quiet and work on you. Anytime you want to say something to wife, ask yourself: Is this about my needs of her needs?

(It's helpful to have a sig line with the important facts like ages, years married, children, previous marriages.)

[AnotherStander]

I strongly believe that until she makes a choice to stop loving her (constant phone calls, text, facebook, etc) and direct her energy back towards me she will never begin to fall back in love.

This is probably true. But you can't make her drop her R with OP, she has to make that choice. And it may be a long, long time before she does. All you can do is work on yourself, do 180's on your faults and plan on keeping the changes going until they become permanent. Your W will never be attracted back to a sad, desperate, needy you, but she may eventually become attracted to the "old" you that she fell for initially. So try to get back in touch with "that" version of yourself. Think about what you were like, you were probably strong, independent, confident, sexy, etc. That's what you need to be again.

When we had this discussion she clearly stated that she does not love me, does not know how to get the love back and is quite unsure if she wants to anyway....but then in the same sentence she will say maybe one day she will ask me back and at that time it will be up to me to accept her or decline.

It's not unusual for WAS's to say things like this. They want to try something new, but they like to think that the LBS will hang around as plan B if their new plans don't work out. She may even do things to try and keep you on the hook.

Grandma said to me before she left "make her miss you"

Grandma knows her stuff. But don't involve them in your sitch, it will do more harm than good. The WAS will typically interpret it as the LBS "rallying the troops" against them, even if the LBS isn't doing that.

I can guarantee you that this is one man who does "get it" and want my marriage to be better than it ever was....

It's a big commitment to stand by your M because it can take years for a WAS to emerge from the fog. Most people don't have the intestinal fortitude to stick it out. It takes a tremendous amount of patience. Good luck!

[DTM]

Thanks again for the encouragement and replies.
I understand the GAL thing and I have been distancing myself from my wife doing the things I like. I have two kids (8 & 7) that I prefer to put first though. As for me being in shape...always have been, avid weight lifter and cyclist..the only thing to change on my end is my happiness which is why I was concerned about seeing other women...if it was a terribly bad idea or not? It's almost like my wife is encouraging me to do it but I'm apprehensive to think she is setting me up somehow. I wouldn't do it to make her jealous but if that was a byproduct I wouldn't complain about it either. As a person I was always giving - obviously missed some subtle hints along the way as it pertained to my wife's needs..but I still "do" for my wife...because that's me. I guess it would be a 180 if I quit washing her car, cleaning house, promoting her business and generally giving a damn. Sometimes I feel like contacting the other woman and telling her to give me my wife back, but I'm sure that will just make matters worse...even if I was was nice about it.
Other times I think about cancelling her cell phone (which I pay for) because she is glued to it...and I mean glued. If I had to guess I would say my wife is truly going through a MLC (at 34 years old)...she doesn't know what she wants only that she isn't happy, doesn't love me like a wife should love her husband and would rather be in a relationship with her girlfriend...who is still married..but barely.
I will continue to work on myself to be a happier person...hopefully it will fill her with guilt one day. Being what I consider "unloving" to someone you truly love is not an easy thing for me to swallow...I hate it but I am willing to do it if it clears her head.
Again, comments from those that have been there / done that are greatly appreciated...you have my attention.

[DTM]

It's a big leap from a strong connection to a best friend and EA-OW. How did you make that leap?

This is simple but difficult. You've read the book, 2nd and LTH gave you good advice. Now it's up to you.

Become the man you want to be, the man you now say you should have been. That doesn't include doing everything for you W but it does include working together for the household to run smoothly.

You're not ignoring her, you're doing what she asked and doing what you were doing before. What's changed is you now want something you can't have. I think this gives you insight into how your W was feeling for a long time.

Keep quiet and work on you. Anytime you want to say something to wife, ask yourself: Is this about my needs of her needs?

(It's helpful to have a sig line with the important facts like ages, years married, children, previous marriages.)

How did I make the leap from emotional affair / other woman to where I am today? Simple really - for once in my life I felt what it means to be broken hearted and there can't possibly be a more painful experience than that. I admitted my faults and cried my eyes out for months...another thing that I would've never done in the past. I'm still not "over it" by any means..but I'm dealing with it much better. My wife said that if the roles were reveresed (I cheated) she would've been long gone. I figure having her in the same home as a "friend" is better than not having her at all...especially for the kids; although they won't see any love between us. (hugs, kisses, hand holding, sleeping in the same bed, etc). I can only hope that if I can get to being "best friends" one day that it might spark some new love....again that seems counter-productive if I'm "dark"...but that's what I'm sticking with per the book and the encouragement here. Mr mysterious it is.

[DTM]

I found this post and thought this should be my approach...

I think a lot of people recommend going dark when what they really mean is to detach. Personally I see going dark as a last resort, it is something the LBS does for themselves to help them detach and drop the rope. Going dark rarely if ever gets people back together, because basically going dark is the LBS making themselves unavailable to the WAS, which the WAS interprets as the LBS being cold and distant. What WAS wants to get back together with a cold and distant LBS? I think a more appropriate approach is for the LBS to allow the WAS to see them being happy/ content/ independent/ sexy. Let them see you living your own life, let them see that you will be fine with or without them. Adopt a "friendly neighbor" attitude when you're around them, be nice rather than cold and distant. This isn't "dark" and it isn't "pursuit", it's kind of inbetween.

[DTM]

I understand my posts are under moderation and slow to appear but I would love an answer to my inquiry about seeing other people.
My wife has clearly stated how she feels and I've read I shouldn't believe a word of it, but her actions speak much louder than words...no love, no affection, nothing.
She stated to me that she is surprised I've not gone out and dated yet..to which I told her that I put in enough effort showing her how much I love her and I'm going to do for me now, if that means going out with someone, etc.
So here is my question - am I shooting myself in the foot by going out with another woman? I am not looking to fall in love with someone else (as she has), I simply want some companionship like any man would...but I'm still officially married and feel quite guilty. Is this a WAW trap to pin me down and say "hey look what you did!" ? ?