whew - some conversation - you poorkid. wow that you were able to remain calm and lucid and ghive it thoughtful attention. i'm suich a putz and get rantie and shoot self in foot.
guess that's why you're the atty - ability to remain calm under fire.
even as a fly on the wall- it's hard for me to "hear"him say junk like "happy for first time". i can relate tho- how in the world alllllll those happy years are swept away and shoved into the back of their consciousness - don't exist anymore at present- i do not know. i feel sad foryour heart - to hear his "stuff". i can't figure out if it's better to talk or not at all. i guess some this, some that.
it sounds like you were supportive but standing your position - the detach thing is a wierd one. i'd think you both feel glad and sad about it- every time i notice i'm not actively "bleeding" - i feel a little sad that i'm becoming "hardened" about it- and wonder if, at the end of the day, i will want to know this man anymore. that's a sad thought totally- but it also makes me realioze at some point our self-preservation kicks in i guess- and we take outselves out of the line of fire .
i notice you're still feeling like hopeful about him - maybe getting to some better place in his head and all. i hope so- i find it hard to totally let go of hope too. it's a wierd thing also- this part of one's personality that keeps you and me "invested" , however small a bit, in this long long part of our lives. i think it's just our age (congrats on birthday by the way) and our dashed "plan" in life - well, expectation i guess. i thought the same things as you- at this age we'd be free and having a great time...
silly me.
i can only think that at their ages - they feel all glowie and warm and like new-young - big men to these women- whatever thier "NEED" is that this guy is fulfilling- and it just seems irresistable to them. to go to the place of insanity - i.e."happy for first time" is so nutty- i mean, what the heck has he been doing staying around allllll these years if he's been unhappy?
i'm sure you know and "feel" it's crazy- you can remember the connection and good times - like the rest of us. they just want to make us think we're nuts and it's all in our head - or all over (suddenly) because they say so, etc. it's a very darn tough one-
i get pissed about that and then I have ot say who the heck says THEY get to say a part of our life is over- they get to make that huge decision for us and about our lives??? i'm not sure if that makes sense when i say it outloud- becaue actually they can do it - easily. if this huge part of my happiness is my r with h - and he gets to just with draw- well, ta da! wtf???
they just all of a sudden wake up and realize that good ole "happy" for a lifetime together - isn't as EXCITING as new ole - HAPPY with a bunch of lightening bolts, etc.
it's all i can figure. me, you, since we have not had the wisdom in life to be collecting men in the sidelines - and don't have an immediate fall-back man/life/love/r - to pick up, shake out and put on...... i guess we just blob along being who we are best we can.i have trouble with the "make yhouself happy" bit. i know the theory- it's just the accomplishing it that's not so easy or quick.
just gonna take alot of time i fear- no rushing anything like that, that i can figure. a meaningless fling or sex isn't going to accomplish a darn ting.
oh yea-= vibrator. talking aobut searching around for some "reason" some "justification". how nutty- it's as nutty as my h saying in first "talk" after bmb - that one time i had a ratty bandaid on my finger and that put him off sex - ???!!! and that, somehow was what he saw as a good "justification" for cheating & lying...???like foryears before it happened - but hey, i'm sure he was anticipating i'd do something so heinus (icky bandaid? of all things) so he'd just get ready for the transgression and go for it- yeah- i get it - allllllll our faults - shoulder that BLAME WOMAN - ALLLL of it....
no kidding- couldja ever imagine a sane person using THAT as a seemingly perfectly reasonable reason for cheating? vibrator is equally dopey- what can a sane person say???
i am better at just going about my life and not thinking too much if i kep incredibly busy- but feeling "happy". i feel so bad for your sitch- i hope you'e rite that there's still some hope - i like to think it also. realistically speaking- there doesn't seem to be alllllll that many options available to you (or me for that matter) but to continue along best you can- practicing (ifyou will) the whole detach- stfu ( i was doing good - fell off wagon yesterday- feel like a ranting self- involved b!tch- nice) nice how that works out - isn't it? no matter what we do- we end up feeling badly- they end up feeling alllll justified, etc. notice how it always works that way? anything we do is justification? good stuff, bad stuff? all stuff? (if that's not nutty- what is??)
i'm very tired of feeling badly. i hopeyou're feeling okay- i hope you're not too down over this- i know it's awful- just when you thnk you can't stomach this junk- more is put on yourplate. i swear- i just don't know. I'm assuming that somehow we get thru it- whatever the heck "it" is - and in the end we're just some person who is a bit different - living a life that is a bit different, etc.
all tht adjusting to change junk everyone in universe keeps yakking about- how things change- nothing stays the same, etc.
i personally resent a bit how it's ALWAYS us that have become objectionable- your easy-going nature has created "the problem" - me too apparently. it is truly crazy- but there you have it-
allll those years of not being a demanding b!tch, silly you- and you thought youjust get to be who you are in life- HA!!
QYUESTION IS: what are ya gonna do and be and feel about it? do you (we) let it change who we are inside? do we believe alllll men cheat? do we still believe what we had was as good as we thought it was? knew it was??? despite testimony to the conrary (insane h?)
i feel dispirited myself. this business of being "nothing" to h when he's not with me. i hate it- i resent being a zero,. inside i kind of don't believe it- becasue he keeps me in his life (can't he seeeee that???) what the heck does he even think he bothers for??? i'd say he thinks he's being "generous" and has some kind of giant "obligation" or something that ALSO sheds a crummie light on me. you know- me being gthe bad guy as usual.
me, i wonder still about it all. one minute i think he can't cause this much pain to somepoor schnook (me) and be a person worth knowing. he can't be soooo deluded & selfish and be a person worth loving - YET- da da da dummmmmm....... i seem unable (well, loath) to shut the door on my whole past adult life with this guy- and walk away. just give it up- hand it over (without a fight) - whatever the heck that means.
it sounds stupid to me even- oh well huh??? i'm thinking you're there in the same old stinking mudhole with me.
i am so surprised tht your h can view this grasping b!tch of rt as someone he could even think HE HAS Some kind of fugture with- and who might be happy with. what in th eworld can be going on in his head????? maybe because he feels sooo bad about himself being supported by you- somehow that makes you the bad guy-"doing it to him" - like killing the messenger.
hating you somehow because he's forced to ask you for help. i get that kind of feeling somehow with my mother sometimes.
it's twisted. my h- he threw into the conversation somewhere yesterday that he doesn't know what he wants- "everyone" tells him he needs to pick one or the other (?) . so, like, is he telling everyone in the universe what a jerk i am? probably so- why should he escape the flack anyway? i sure get enough- judghement and flack aboutmy life, decisions, etc. and i'm just the jerk plunged into this all by him.
you too- flack from your friends. they just are not you- so that is just that. everyone gotta GOTTA follow their own path in their own way. smart or dumb- long or short- etc.
the bit of accepting partg responsibility. i'm not so sure- i know we're here and part of it all. of couse- on the other hand - they chose us for what we were/are - easy going, undemanding. if it necessarily follows that they get to want us to be different- do we have to be? should we? is it something we really should be embracing (this fine fine opportunity to b!tch up a bit in life?)
or what? where do you think you head from here? just roll along being the linda you've always been? do you feel yourself changing - and is it better or not?
i think i'm becoming a bit hardened and maybe suspicious - oerall. i hate it- i hate noticing it. i dn't want to be going around al edgy and sarcastic antrying to not just lay there and let him walk on me. it's a weird way to view things- and it's hard to "fight it". know wht i mean?
idon't want to be a had ole b!tch - i don't want to be an old stupid nice guy in the face of this mlc. i don't know what i want- hey-just like H - he's thrown me into a life-altering- questioning thing as well as himself.
i'm getting the heck out of here- hope you're doijg okay- hang on - you can do this - we can do this -
idk why- we can tho- and probably-= very probably we'll be better people at the end of the day??? be true to you
