Thank you...ALL of you. I was emotionally spent after this morning. Your messages have helped me so much.
Right after H left and I posted on here, this morn, a good friend texted to let me know that H was spewing all kinds of hate and inappropriate stuff on Facebook about me. I made myself NOT get on Facebook all day. I do not want to be hurt over and over about stupid stuff he's posting on there in his anger and guilt and confusion. I hate Facebook...and I hate that he reconnected with HER on there and is not using it to get back at me.
The kids and I went to my parents, about an hour away, for the rest of the day. The kids had a great time running around outside and just being kids. My dad cooked hamburgers...it was good for all of us.
It was nice for me to get away, too, except that my mom kept wanting to talk about my marriage and H. She kept coming up with plans for my D and kept trying to force me to make decisions.
I finally told her that I am not in a healthy emotional place to make such permanent decisions. That I'm not just giving H a free pass for what he's done, but that I am not sure AT ALL what I want. She was in total disbelief that I would even consider staying married to him. Sigh......
Anyway, I am going to try very, very, very hard to give H lots and lots of space. No texts, emails, or calls. No making plans with him. No expectations. I am going to try not to be sad or upset when he doesn't check in on me and/or the kids.
It will be very hard for me because I do not hide my true feelings very well, but I will have to make myself be approachable and friendly and warm when he does come home.
I have a lot of work to do in my own heart, mind, and soul right now. I keep asking myself if this is all worth it?
I hate the "what ifs". What if H decides to leave me anyway? What if he stays and I can never trust him again? What if we are both broken and damaged for the rest of our lives? What if he never comes out of his MLC?
Should I be standing? Is this R really worth it? What about my kids?
