2 year A confirmed

[RosaLinda]

Hi Complicated, just checking in and I am SO happy to hear your H broke off with his OW! Maybe it was his counselor's influence? How MLCish of him to complain that the girls know too much about her, though. It's nice to hear that they are all talking to him again. Has he been coming around more now that they've broken up? Have you been hearing from him?

[complicated]

Hi RL! Thanks for checking in. No he has not been by at all and the girls said that "she" broke it off with him.

I went to his parents house again on Friday. I try and go by on Fridays since I'm off. I try not to bring it up but somehow it always seems to come up. His mom is still upset about it.

His sister came in from out of town. It was great seeing her and bil. I had not seen them in a while and they seemed glad to see me as well. I have always gotten along with his family.

I keep being nice to H and treat him as I would my neighbor. MIL did say that after I was there last week H asked what I wanted. MIL said, nothing she just came by. MIL said "I don't know why he asked me that? What could you possibly want?"

Hopefully H will see that I'm a different person. I feel like I'm a much better person.

RL I am keeping up with you too. I'm hopeful that your MIL comes through for you. I disagree though with you when you say that it's there son and they will accept OW. My MIL is emphatic that she will NEVER accept OW. EVER.

One thing that did happen while I was there is H called his mom to tell him he was going to his assistants house to watch the ballgame and he may stay there if he had too much to drink. MIL said that is the first time he has ever called to tell him that and she said to me "I don't know if I believe him, do you? " I said who knows.

[RosaLinda]

Hi Complicated! How are you holding up these days? This journey is hard and long isn't it? Are you still feeling "un-detached"?

How nice that you and H's family get along so well, and that you still see his parents every Friday. How funny that he asked his mom what you wanted 3 weeks ago, and then called while you were there 2 weeks ago! Any contact from him last Friday? Sounds like maybe he is trying to find out what's going on with you without coming out and asking?

I am SO glad to hear your MIL would not ever accept OW! I didn't ask my H's mom if she would accept OW as her new daughter in law, but I did tell her that H told me that one of the reasons he had for not leaving me is that he does not want to lose her and the rest of his family. She said he is confused ( ) and that he WANTS someone to boss him around. I dunno. He says that aggression and bossiness is what he likes about the Tramp, but that the only way we have stayed together for 38 years is my easy going temperament. I think my MIL may be wrong. Does your MIL give you any advice?

[complicated]

Hi RL and thanks for checking in on me. I'm holding up which is about all I can say.

I am trying to detach more but it is so difficult with kids and the kids having activities that we both go to.

I have always gotten along very well with H's family. I think both MIL and FIL like seeing me each week. I know with FIL not doing too much it is nice for MIL to have someone else to talk to.

I think he wants to know what I want to see if I am bashing him. But I never do bash him. I always tell her that he is not the H I married and she has no idea what happened to her son. She tells me she wishes she had some advice for me but even she doesn't know what the deal is with him.

RL it is very nice to know MIL will not accept OW and neither will the kids. I do think H thinks eventually it will blow over and maybe it will. I don't even know if he is still seeing her because I am trying harder to detach.

I saw my IC today just to deal with the fallout with the kids though the kids are getting along with him. After all H just bought D16 a new car. Yep! I had asked to be included since afterall I was paying for it too and he did it completely without me. I was so p!ssed. He admitted to doing it on purpose.

I don't know when he will ever get over this.

Also when I was on my way to D19s game out of town I text him to see when he was leaving. His response was "why"? Seriously? Why couldn't he answer that. He said I must have a reason. I told him that I don't have ulterior motives. After all of that he has been ok.

I've been keeping up with your thread too, just haven't been posting because it takes longer than reading. I don't understand your H wanting to be bossed around and I can't believe that could last very long. My H is very easy going and he said I always had to have my way and that grew old. Funny though because I think that is how OW is.

I'm going to pop over and see what's happening with you. Hope the eyes are still doing good. Keep hanging in there.

I will try and do a better job of updating.

Thanks again for popping in!

[complicated]

Not much has happened lately which sometimes I think is a good thing. It means it hasn't continued to go down hill.

No idea if he is seeing OW because I'm trying to keep myself busy. At least now he hasn't been as mean. Not overly nice but not mean. He also hasn't seen the kids much which I wish he would. That makes me think he may still be seeing her. He told the kids he's not but in the past he certainly doesn't tell them when he goes back to her.

I plan on visiting his parents again tomorrow. They seem to be happy to see me. My parents and sister saw him last weekend and he was nice to them but he didn't talk to them until they talked to him. They were very nice to him. He had no idea they were going to be at the game and I'm sure when he saw them he was worried about the reception he would get. I think he had to be pleasantly surprised how it went because I'm sure he thought I was bashing him to my family.

Still going to try and back off a little more. I have noticed that my mood has been a little better since doing that. I have also tried to stay busier. Even after all of this time though I still miss having someone to talk about my day and just what's going on. The kids are there but its not the same as a spouse.

Wonka I truly appreciate your advice on Raine's thread. All of you vets have so much to offer those of us who are in the middle of this craziness. Even though I have been going through this what seems like a lifetime I still need the help and encouragement. It is so much easier to give up. I just keep thinking about my kids.

[complicated]

Not a whole lot to report. D16 called h and asked him to take her to lunch. He did that, dropped her off and pretty much left. I asked him how he was doing and he said not so good. He said he was still seeing his counselor and he was going back to his doctor and going back on his AD. His counselor thought it would be best for a while.

I had mentioned this to him a month or two ago but he really didn't want to do it. Hopefully that's a good sign. He was saying he had been down. I asked him if it had anything to do with me (he had been real quiet and almost looked angry). He said no that there were some things going on at work. He said all of it was his problems. This sounds like maybe he is starting to look at himself? I don't know if this is just wishful thinking. Maybe having OW withdrawal?

He is going to miss D19s tournament. I have no idea why he scheduled a work trip during it but his problem not mine.

I had offered to take FIL to the doctor this week because h couldn't and his sister was already taking off work to help out so I offered. They got a neighbor instead so I don't know if they all don't want my help or thought it would be just easier with the neighbor who is retired. MIL also had said earlier that she didn't want me to have to miss work. So I don't know what the deal is.

Thanks for checking in. As always love to hear comments!!

[complicated]

Just thought I would update what has been going on since I haven't posted in a while.

I have been seeing MIL and FIL every week. I saw my SIL last week and she said that her mom and dad like seeing me every week and that my MIL told her that I stop by and I have offered to help out. That was nice to hear.

H has not really made too much of an effort to see kids still. He takes them out to lunch or dinner every now and then but that's about it. He really doesn't say anything to me. I'm lucky if he answers calls or texts. Yet it doesn't appear that he has filed either.

I assume he is still seeing his new IC. He also went back on AD's which his IC suggested and he did not really want to do.

Not sure if he is seeing OW or not. D21 told me that H was very emotional when D21 said she wanted nothing to do with him if he sees her but he has gone back to OW in the past so who knows.

It just seems like H is so stuck. He is seeing a counselor but he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. He has been going to counseling for a few years in fact. He tells me that he is unhappy and when I ask him does it have anything to do with me he'll say NO. I can't understand what is wrong with him and how he is going to get out of his funk.

I have been going out with friends a lot more. It is so nice to see and hear from people from my high school days say how great I look and how good it is to see me again. That makes me feel good. It is definitely helping that I am getting out more.

So nothing new going on. H still not making any progress. I think I need to resolve myself to the fact he may never get out of this. To think I have been living like this for about 3.5 years is unbelievable. If someone would have told me that I would still be in this situation I would have said no way.

Thanks for stopping in. Does anyone want to give me an opinion if my H seems like a lost cause? Am I a fool to still be standing? I'm starting to get very discouraged again. I just feel like we could go on like this forever and I don't want that. I am happy that I have made the changes that I needed to make. I am much happier and I feel like the kids are too. I needed to make those changes to become the person I was meant to be. There was a lot of validity in the complaints that h had. Of course I think he has made it seem like we never had any good times and that just isn't true.

Should I be making some kind of a move? I know TVS had a discussion with her H. My h never wants to talk and if I ever bring anything up he just clams up.

Comments welcome!!! Thanks!!

[job]

complicated,
The work that your h needs to do on himself is a very slow process and you may not even see it being done. It's an internal process and if he's seeing an IC, well...that all takes time to delve into his past and present day life.

Your h isn't ready to talk about a lot of things right now and until he's ready, you could have the "speech" and it will just go in one ear and out the other. He's still got a lot of issues to deal with and he's on the slow time clock right now.

There is always hope that he will find his way out of the tunnel of darkness and back into the light of day. Unfortunately, it could take another year or even longer for that to happen. The question you have to ask yourself is...can I leave the door ajar and continue to move forward? If you are not ready to divorce him, then I would continue living my life to the fullest and if and when the times comes...you will know when you've had enough and then you will file.

The time is not right for a talk like TV had w/her h. Sit quietly and the answers will come. BTW, this does work. Dig deeper for more patience because this is not a sprint, but a marathon for all who walk this path.

[LoisB]

My MIL (bless her scary, cold heart) invited H and OW over for dinner less than six months after H moved out. In laws knew about OW before I did. Apparently, they were all for it!!

[ForeverYoung]

Hi complicated!

No one can say if your H will make it though his crises or not. But I think we all agree that you ARE NOT a fool to be standing for your M! I can hardly think of a more noble thing to do: Stand by the one we love when they are in a major life crises.

My little bit of advice: Truth Darts. Start dropping little hints that you don't intend to live in this present limbo forever. Not because doing this will make H do a turnaround, (it won't, but that's ok for now) but because it will help you stand. It'll help you feel like you're "doing something" and having a say in where things are going... instead of feeling like a silent victim being taken for a ride.

I don't believe we have to STFU forever, especially when we are nearing the end of our rope, which it sounds to me like you are.

If you continue to stuff your true feelings around H you will end up giving up on the M before he comes around, or blowing up on him, which will likely send him further back into the tunnel.

Worst of all, after a long enough time of stuffing your feelings you will lose yourself.

There was a time when I felt like I was close to really letting loose on my W, and telling her what time it was. My DB coach advised that I say something rational and well thought out, at the right time, before I got to the point where I'd likely blow up and sabotage all my DB efforts.

Timing is EVERYTHING with truth darts. Move ahead slowly, but do move.