The more I read and the more I think of it, it seems as though my 32 yr old H is in a full on MLC.
Some background info on us: Married 10 years, no kids. I went through his phone in Dec 2012 and find that he's been flirting with his friends wife. She says things like " you make me so happy" and he replies "that makes me happy". I tell him that I don't trust him and that he had an EA. The friend and his wife start divorce process in Jan 2013 and its the wife who wants out, asking for a divorce after moving out for 1 week. They were married 1 year.
H starts acting really out of character around Feb/ March of this year. Stops sharing anything with me, sits around on the couch playing a video game and not talking to me at all. Any invites to do anything are met with a "we'll see". Bedroom activity slows down significantly.
H writes me a letter in April listing a whole pile of things that had been bothering him over the years that he never told me about face to face. Talks about us having grown apart over the years. Basically blames me for everything gone wrong. I "always" do this, I "never" did that. Everything in our relationship is about me, and never him. He mentions a motorcycle. I thank him for letting me know how he feels and then begin to evaluate myself and make changes where I felt he was right. Fast forward to June and I come home to find him gone, another letter, and a book on the living room table titled "codependent no more" He tells me his IC identified him as being in a codependent state for a long while. He spent a weekend at a friends house in his hometown 6 hours away.
He continues to act very strange and distant and then I write him a letter in the beginning of July telling him that he means everything to me and I want to do whatever it takes to work things out. Tell him to get a motorcycle if he wants to. He then starts acting like his old self for about 2 weeks and then like a light switch, its off again. I pay our bills so when I saw our cell bill, I googled a few #'s he called in July. Find out that he's looking around for apartments so I confront him. he tells me that he's been thinking of moving out and that his therapist also told him it'd be a good idea. He moves out beginning of Aug. We go to 1 MC session together where he tells me that he'd been unhappy for a long time and that he wanted me not to contact him for a month so he can figure out if he wants to be in or out of the relationship. Everyone we know is completely shocked by this and mostly his parents. So its now coming to the end of Oct and I've talked to him online 3 times (all initiated by me) and 1 time on the phone last week. He still seems like he is deep in his own fog.
I tell myself to leave him alone for the most part, but I also feel the need to reach out from time to time to show him that I'm still standing here as his best friend.
I don't really know what the best way to deal with a potential MLC is, and if this even is a MLC?
Thanks for reading my rambling!
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Cadet, thank you kindly for all the links! I've been working very hard on the detachment. Its something I needed to do for myself either way since I definitely have codependency issues. I have read a few of these links while I was lurking, so I will finish reading the others now. Homework assignment starting now!
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
I finally made my way through all the info you've provided, Cadet! Spent many a night reading and reading. I'm still reading.
I have a question for anyone dealing with a MLC'er.. So my H moved out at the beginning of August. Since then, he has not contacted me one time. No text, no call, no email, NOTHING. I messaged him online about 3 times, and called him once. He talked with me each time, was nice to me each time. Didn't discuss our relationship at all, just general chit chats.
Has anyone else gone this long without hearing one single peep from their spouse?
He hasn't yet filed any separation or divorce paperwork either, so I just have no idea what's going on in his mind at all.
I don't really know what to do at this point.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
Honestly I am not sure what I want to do. I still would like to save our marriage, but I'm finding it harder to think of ways to do that when I don't see him. Maybe I can try to call him in another week or two but not pressure him with any relationship talks.
I am feeling like I'm pretty well detached now, so its been a lot easier to just live life without worrying about his every single move.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
Honestly I am not sure what I want to do. I still would like to save our marriage, but I'm finding it harder to think of ways to do that when I don't see him. Maybe I can try to call him in another week or two but not pressure him with any relationship talks.
I am feeling like I'm pretty well detached now, so its been a lot easier to just live life without worrying about his every single move.
Do you think that by calling him that it will save your marriage and he will magically come home?
If you're angry it's definitely best to leave it alone......it can only end badly. Maybe, before contacting him think about what you're hoping to achieve.? This will help you decide if you want to and how you want to lead the conversation.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I feel like I'm being lied to and I just want to know what the truth is. I need to be more patient and just leave things be for right now because you are right, nothing good will come out of it if I call him right now. It would drive him further away, not bring him closer which is my ultimate goal.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
