How awful to be at the end of all that terrible spew. I'm sorry.
But I was so amazingly proud of you too. Wow, you held it together. It may not have felt like it, I'm sure you were in complete chaos inside. And to hold it together while doing that is remarkable.
He is a very, very, very confused man. Very sad to watch. He knows he is screwed up and doesn't want to confront his demons, only find others to blame. Unfortunately you are right in the cross-hairs.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Angela, I'm so sorry to hear he went mlc crazy this morning, but apparently his guilt has been hammering at his brain, heart and soul.
Everything that he spewed came right out of the MLC Book. If he had been that unhappy a long time ago, he would have left or you would have known about it. Now, he's trying to blame everyone for his problems and his unhappiness. Unfortunately, his unhappiness is something that he will need figure out.
You did well considering he blindsided you this morning w/this conversation. He is a very confused and angry man who needs to figure things out on his own. Give him a very wide berth for space and time.
Buckle up because your ride on the MLC coaster is going to be a bumpy one for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You handled this so well. Good job!! Go buy yourself a shot of whiskey and maybe a shot of morphine--whatever will give you some comfort right now.
I heard just about the same schtick from my H yesterday. It hurts, but man are they wacko!! It's so much like dealing with a teenager, I sometimes can't even believe it.
You did great though and how you managed to bring things back to a somewhat calm place is awesome. I know this much from my time on this journey. For some strange reason, he may not remember what he said to you, but he will remember your demeanor and he will remember the agreement you made at the end to wait a few months.
Sounds like he is really, really, really struggling with this decision. Let him flail. He is flailing for sure!!
Take good care of yourself today. Really good care. You deserve it.
Much love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is just plain amazing Angela. I am taking notes.
Quote:
Our convo went around and around and around...but at the very, very end, after he already said several times that he is definitely done, he asked how we would move forward if we were going to try to make it work, one more time.
I told him that I do NOT want to talk about our R anymore for awhile. I told him that I do NOT want to talk about OW anymore. I told him that I'm exhausted from our R and just want to pause it for a bit. I said for a couple of months, I'd like to just be a mom and him be a dad and us work on being nice to each other and take care of our kids. I'd like to do fun stuff together and get to know each other again with no pressure about a divorce from him.
I also said that I know he needs lots of space and time and I'm ok with that. That i understand if he needs to hang with his buddies or watch football or whatever.
He said, "I don't think this will work. What if we re-evaluate in 2 months, and nothing has changed?"
And, I said, "we've been together 16 years...what's 2 more months? And aren't our kids worth the effort?"
So, he said, "we just chill for a couple of months. make no big decisions. then re-evaluate. I can live with that."
Then, he said he needed to get on the road. So, I got out of the truck, told him to drive safe (cause he hasn't been to bed yet), and went in the house.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Angela, I agree with others, he is in turmoil right now. He is scarred and doesn’t know what to do. He probably thinks that he might have screwed up badly, but doesn’t want to admit it. I think you did great!
The best thing to do right now is to give him lots of space. It will also give you some time to process your feelings and decide for yourself what you want to do. Thinking of you. (((((hugs)))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you...ALL of you. I was emotionally spent after this morning. Your messages have helped me so much.
Right after H left and I posted on here, this morn, a good friend texted to let me know that H was spewing all kinds of hate and inappropriate stuff on Facebook about me. I made myself NOT get on Facebook all day. I do not want to be hurt over and over about stupid stuff he's posting on there in his anger and guilt and confusion. I hate Facebook...and I hate that he reconnected with HER on there and is not using it to get back at me.
The kids and I went to my parents, about an hour away, for the rest of the day. The kids had a great time running around outside and just being kids. My dad cooked hamburgers...it was good for all of us.
It was nice for me to get away, too, except that my mom kept wanting to talk about my marriage and H. She kept coming up with plans for my D and kept trying to force me to make decisions.
I finally told her that I am not in a healthy emotional place to make such permanent decisions. That I'm not just giving H a free pass for what he's done, but that I am not sure AT ALL what I want. She was in total disbelief that I would even consider staying married to him. Sigh......
Anyway, I am going to try very, very, very hard to give H lots and lots of space. No texts, emails, or calls. No making plans with him. No expectations. I am going to try not to be sad or upset when he doesn't check in on me and/or the kids.
It will be very hard for me because I do not hide my true feelings very well, but I will have to make myself be approachable and friendly and warm when he does come home.
I have a lot of work to do in my own heart, mind, and soul right now. I keep asking myself if this is all worth it?
I hate the "what ifs". What if H decides to leave me anyway? What if he stays and I can never trust him again? What if we are both broken and damaged for the rest of our lives? What if he never comes out of his MLC?
Should I be standing? Is this R really worth it? What about my kids?
Anyway, I am going to try very, very, very hard to give H lots and lots of space. No texts, emails, or calls. No making plans with him. No expectations. I am going to try not to be sad or upset when he doesn't check in on me and/or the kids.
You can do this! I know you can!
Sounds like you did a great job deflecting your mom's wishes for your own M. That is such a difficult situation when you're feeling weak and not sure anyway! Kudos!
Keep strong for yourself and your kids. Your H is in a fog. If you're not ready to make a decision, then just concentrate on your own life and wait for some time to pass. It's so hard, I know! But you can do it!
Thinking of you today, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Sorry I worked all weekend but you have been in good hands...
I am sorry you had the hard conversation with your H the other day, however, you got a lot of good information even if you don't realize it yet.
Originally Posted By: Ang
He tells me he feels dead inside. He tells me that he is angry at the world and God. He says he doesn't understand why I keep thinking that I am the problem...that he is just miserable with his life in general. He says that he works so much and spends time with his friends to get away from the way he feels.
He completely admits to being depressed for the past 2-3 years and since he got laid off from his job that he loved. However, he tells me that he will never get put on meds or see a counselor. That it is his problem to deal with and that he doesn't want anyone else to know his private problems.
He tells me to quit trying to "fix" him...(guess I need to work on this one.)
He tells me that he knows I will never let the affair go and that he doesn't want to keep hearing about the OW for the rest of his life. I did tell him that I need to hear some things about her to get her out of my mind...but that I know I can't obsess about her or keep bringing her up. He keeps telling me over and over that I'm not getting it. That the OW has nothing to do with me or our marriage or our problems...
He said, "I don't think this will work. What if we re-evaluate in 2 months, and nothing has changed?"
All of this is common with MLC.
He is scared. He doesn't have any clue how to deal with any of this.
Many of them don't want to go to a counselor. It can take years for that to happen if it ever does.
They lack the ability to forgive. The lack the ability to see that it CAN happen.
They worry about the What if's more than we do, believe it or not. They want fixes without the work. And they are afraid of taking the risk to see what the outcome might be. They pick a course of action and feel that that is it. Until they can't take it anymore and simply pick another course of action.
I had a conversation with my X about a year after I moved out. He admitted that he actually did wonder what if we had tried again...and he still didn't know if it would have worked. That is part of what kept him from even making the effort.
Originally Posted By: Angela R
Right after H left and I posted on here, this morn, a good friend texted to let me know that H was spewing all kinds of hate and inappropriate stuff on Facebook about me. I made myself NOT get on Facebook all day. I do not want to be hurt over and over about stupid stuff he's posting on there in his anger and guilt and confusion. I hate Facebook...and I hate that he reconnected with HER on there and is not using it to get back at me.
Stay off Facebook. There are days, I really wish the social media bug hadn't bitten the people of this world. I simply don't understand the need for it...
Originally Posted By: Ang
It was nice for me to get away, too, except that my mom kept wanting to talk about my marriage and H. She kept coming up with plans for my D and kept trying to force me to make decisions.
Friends and family don't want you to hurt. It is probably best to try not to depend on them too much for that.
IF you do reconcile, you want it to be as easy as possible for both you and your H. Some people won't understand. The less of the ugly details that people know, the easier it will be for them to accept your decision.
Originally Posted By: Ang
I hate the "what ifs". What if H decides to leave me anyway? What if he stays and I can never trust him again? What if we are both broken and damaged for the rest of our lives? What if he never comes out of his MLC?
What if's scuk but they are a part of life.
Nothing, is guaranteed even if we think it is.
1. Your H has already left you in every way except physical. And you are still here. So check that one off.
2. It will be up to you to decide if you are going to work in the direction of being able to trust him again. And that is something you need to decide NOW if you are willing to do or not.
If you are not willing to work towards finding forgivness and trust...you are just going to be wasting your time trying to work towards reconciliation and might as well file right now.
Forgivness, is a gift that we give to ourselves. It is not a "free pass" or a forgetting of the hurt.
It is however a freedom. An understanding of others individuality, of others choices, of others actions and a removal of judgement. It allows us to see the action and the person as two separate things. It allows us to know that good people can still make bad choices and see that they are still good people.
One thing your H is correct about is that this isn't about you. He didn't wake up one day and say to himself "I am unhappy so I am going to have an A and make sure that Ang finds out about it and rip her heart out."
More than likely, he connected with OW on FB, started talking and before he realized what was happening, it happened. And he has spent the last year trying to keep you from finding out so you wouldn't be hurt.
Now that you know, he has no clue how to proceed.
Forgivness is paramount to being able to trust.
Trust is the first and easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain.
Even in a new R, you will have to work to have trust. It isn't something that will come blindly to you anymore. That is part of our human nature to protect ourselves.
So the bigger question is are you willing to make the effort? Take the risk? Or not?
3. You are both damaged and broken right now. If you choose not to do the work to heal yourself, you will remain broken and damaged forever. With yourself, with your H, or with someone else.
Is that how you want the rest of your life to look?
4. He may never come out of his MLC. That is just reality. That is not an answer you can find right now.
One of my favorite posters, Fisherman, had a quote in his signature line for a long time (it may still be there) that I just love and remember to this day...
"Stand...but don't stand still."
Don't worry about the is it worth it, should I stand...
At this point, that is exactly what you should do. In order to be able to heal and grow. So that you don't become a permanent resident of Bittersville, USA. Population 1.
Trust me, you will know if and when you are not standing anymore.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
