Update: Venting on here to clear my head!!!! Warning - very long. Had lots to get out of my mind.
So, H shows up this morning, after he said he wouldn't be coming home. I had asked him yesterday if I could borrow the truck sometime today to empty our trash barrel ashes so I could burn trash today (we live in the country where we burn our own trash...it's a pain. Lol.). When he left for work last night, he acted like it was going to be a big pain in his rear to let me use the truck, so I let it go.
Anyway, he shows up right after work this morning and wakes me up to go help him load the barrel. Then, we go into town and decided to go eat breakfast.
The whole conversation there was AWFUL. He wants to get D'd before the end of the year. He sees no reason to wait, etc. He is all about how miserable he is and how this is all pointless. He is ready to D right now. I try to listen and validate while letting him know that I am not ready to sign D papers. I tell him that if that is his decision then he needs to get the ball rolling because I will not. I tell him that I won't stand in his way, but that I do not want to rush into making such a huge decision. I try very hard to DB..but it was tough. It was an ugly conversation. I mostly let him rant and rave.
I tell him that a divorce won't necessarily make him happy. He says he knows but doesn't care.
We pull into the driveway and he gets out and says, "That's it. I'm leaving your sorry a**." and slams the door. I just sit there, in shock. The comment came out of nowhere!
As I'm still sitting there, he comes back outside with his truck keys and starts trying to talk to me. The convo starts and stops several times because he is just irrational and furious. He gets in his truck. He gets out. He comes to my car window and apologizes, while still ranting and raving. He gets back in his truck and honks. I open his truck door and ask if he wants to talk. He tells me to get the "he11" out of his truck and is shaking, he's so mad. I calmly say "ok" and shut the door and go get my purse out of the car. He rolls down the window and says he is sorry again. I just stand there, trying to be quiet and still. He is obviously in full MONSTER mode. He is acting CRAZY!
He FINALLY calms down and he starts R talk, again. He is telling me that he never loved me. That for the past 10 years, he has been thinking about divorce. He tells me there is no reason to stay married, etc. but then, he starts talking about "if" we tried to make it work, etc. He opens up about stuff he has NEVER told me. He tells me good/bad things about how he feels about our marriage...again, stuff he's never opened up about.
He tells me that his "love" for the OW isn't really love. That he doesn't know what I could be doing better or what he needs from me. He says that I don't understand his R with OW...that it is different than what I'm thinking.
He tells me he feels dead inside. He tells me that he is angry at the world and God. He says he doesn't understand why I keep thinking that I am the problem...that he is just miserable with his life in general. He says that he works so much and spends time with his friends to get away from the way he feels.
He completely admits to being depressed for the past 2-3 years and since he got laid off from his job that he loved. However, he tells me that he will never get put on meds or see a counselor. That it is his problem to deal with and that he doesn't want anyone else to know his private problems.
He tells me to quit trying to "fix" him...(guess I need to work on this one.)
He tells me that he knows I will never let the affair go and that he doesn't want to keep hearing about the OW for the rest of his life. I did tell him that I need to hear some things about her to get her out of my mind...but that I know I can't obsess about her or keep bringing her up. He keeps telling me over and over that I'm not getting it. That the OW has nothing to do with me or our marriage or our problems.
He was all over the place on what he was saying. One minute, he's always hated me, never loved me, never been happy. The next, he's talking about how we used to have good times, etc.
About sex, I told him that I hadn't written it off yet. That if we were both committed to working on things, then there was no reason to not be ML. However, if he was just using me or if he had no intention of working on the R, then we shouldn't be having sex. He reminded me that ML to me was how he feels connected to me and that it does mean something to him.
Our convo went around and around and around...but at the very, very end, after he already said several times that he is definitely done, he asked how we would move forward if we were going to try to make it work, one more time.
I told him that I do NOT want to talk about our R anymore for awhile. I told him that I do NOT want to talk about OW anymore. I told him that I'm exhausted from our R and just want to pause it for a bit. I said for a couple of months, I'd like to just be a mom and him be a dad and us work on being nice to each other and take care of our kids. I'd like to do fun stuff together and get to know each other again with no pressure about a divorce from him.
I also said that I know he needs lots of space and time and I'm ok with that. That i understand if he needs to hang with his buddies or watch football or whatever.
He said, "I don't think this will work. What if we re-evaluate in 2 months, and nothing has changed?"
And, I said, "we've been together 16 years...what's 2 more months? And aren't our kids worth the effort?"
So, he said, "we just chill for a couple of months. make no big decisions. then re-evaluate. I can live with that."
Then, he said he needed to get on the road. So, I got out of the truck, told him to drive safe (cause he hasn't been to bed yet), and went in the house.
