Confused about Detaching Part 2

[Feenix]

So, no fighting today about affair. H just left for work.
But he is very moody and sullen.

My feelings all day went from wanting to work on the M to just wanting it to all be over. I guess that's normal. I kept telling myself that I just need to focus on me and the kids and work on a better me.

I don't have to make any decisions tonight.

If he wants to end the M, there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Right?

His talks today kept coming back to him thinking we will never be happy, we can't fix this, nothing ever changes , I'll never change, etc.

Anyone else's spouse say this but then, they were still able to work it out? Feels like he's giving up already.

[Feenix]

Millions of Questions Tonight!

I know I'm supposed to be giving H lots of space and time, especially since the discovery of OW.
However, one of the reasons he claims he needed OW was because it feels like I don't "need or want" him.

How do I detach and let go...give him that space...but not make it look like I don't care or like I am giving up? Or does it matter?

If I'm DBing for ME and for my kids...then, do I just continue to do my own thing and hope that he realizes that I still might want our marriage to work. I still love him deeply...just don't know if I can ever trust him again.

I would be lying if I said I know exactly what I want right now. I'm still so mad, so hurt....that part of me wants him gone.

But, then, I remember our history and our children...and think about how it could be better someday.

Am I just thinking too much?

I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I should be doing right now. He already told me he's not coming home tomorrow. He is going to his friend's to watch football and stay the day.

He isn't giving any indication that he wants to spend any time with me and that's ok.

But, he came home today and stayed until work, and he didn't have to do that.

So, do I just go dim? Don't call or text him at all... and act like I am moving on?

Or will that cause more distance between us?

We were still being intimate this past week, until the discovery of the EA on Thursday. Obviously, I'm not ready for that right today, but what if that's a way to connect with him. Sex is really important to him. If I cut him off, is that punishing him? Because I don't want to come across as punishing him. Both H and OW claim the affair was never physical...but who knows?

Then, the few friends and family I got support from the past day or two have been super amazing and encouraging but are ALL telling me to get a lawyer and leave. I'm not there yet.

Can anyone tell how confused I am??? I just may start my own little MLC for myself. LOL. Just kidding!

[willbwell]

don't accept the blame for his 'needing'ow. of course he will put the blame on you because he doesn't want to look inside at himself.it took me awhile to realize when my h was being angry at me that this was a cover for his guilt. I don't allow his anger to bother me anymore.
I took h back 2 times with no conditions. I mean I knew he was having sex with ow.( he told me) Now that I think about it, I feel I disrespected myself. I was so eager to put this pain behind me. what shame I felt having to go to my dr to be tested.
You need to be a strong confident womaman.
I know how hard it is.

[job]

Angela,
No one is holding a gun to their heads to have affairs, but they do find excuses for them. So, please do not take on the blame for him having one. After all, he could have said no and found another activity to make him happy.

I would suggest that you continue as you have been, but no more talks about the relationship, etc. He knows that you are there waiting and hoping for a reconciliation and starting over.

I would find activities and projects to work on and continue on w/your life as if he's on a vacation to some remote island and drops a post card off to you every so often. He needs to sense that you are moving forward w/your life and that life doesn't stand still for anyone.

I think the best thing for you is to go dim. Text or call him only if it's absolutely an emergency. You have to make a decision about boundaries. In some cases having sex w/the spouse will keep them connected...but it also is considered a form of cake eating. He's got the best of both worlds right now and you have to decide whether this is what you want to continue doing. My advice is to get yourself checked out to ensure that you are healthy. They may say they are just friends, but you don't know what he's doing when he's not at home.

I would suggest that you think about seeking some legal counsel to know what your rights are and above all else, don't worry about what he thinks about you opening your own account. You did it to protect your assets and trust me, one day very soon, you'll be glad you did that.

Please make an appointment and have yourself checked out. I've met a few women who were in situations very similar to yours and they ended up w/the gift that keeps on giving. I do not want to see that happen to you or anyone else on this forum.

Just be yourself and continue to listen, validate and provide lots of space and time to your h.

[Feenix]

Thank you for your thoughts.

I do realize that I need to get a health check ASAP. Makes me disgusted that it is even necessary, but I'll get it done.

He came back this morning but seems to want me to feel sorry for him and I just don't have the energy for that. So, I'm staying quiet and doing my own thing...

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Ang,

yes, when you start running out of energy for their nonsense it makes it so much easier to PMA.

I used to always think of having the db people here I talk to on my shoulder when I got in difficult situations, lol. It helped remind me to be mindful and cautious with words. That and I would have to report back on behaviors.

You're doing better today, I hope it stays that way for you.

wishing you the best.

[RosaLinda]

Hi Angela! As a fellow uRworthy fan, you might be interested in this thread she started a few days ago; I found it very helpful: gathered some old posts....

I am no vet, but just recently a light bulb went off in my head about what detaching and letting go mean (not saying I am able to do it yet, just that I finally get what they mean!) and that knowledge is due to uRw, Job, Cadet, and the rest, pounding it into my thick head over and over. Read the thread, I think it will be enlightening!

"I know I'm supposed to be giving H lots of space and time, especially since the discovery of OW.
However, one of the reasons he claims he needed OW was because it feels like I don't "need or want" him.
How do I detach and let go...give him that space...but not make it look like I don't care or like I am giving up? Or does it matter?"

My understanding of "letting him go" is that you are letting him do the things he wants and needs to do to continue on his journey of MLC self discovery. Not trying to push your own agenda onto him. No telling him that he is wrong. No begging or pleading or pushing. And "detaching" means to get to the point where your H's actions and words no longer affect you. This doesn't mean you are giving up on him or that you are not loving him, but rather realizing that he is temporarily crazy, and he needs to finish out his journey to become sane again.

My DB coach Chuck suggested I give my H space by never approaching him, including no texting emailing and calling, but when he approaches me, to be friendly and approachable. I thnk this sort of approach works best when the two parties live together or see each other a lot like you do. Chuck calls this being "lovely wife," I think TSquared describes it as being aloof but approachable.

In Divorce Remedy MDW wrote: "It is very important to give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel and experiment, even if part of the experimentation involves another woman....There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, like interrogation and issuing demands.....The one thing you have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband will have to find his own answers....Letting go is amazingly difficult, but unless you do, your marriage probably won't work out. You have to learn to detach from your husband's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing."

"I still love him deeply...just don't know if I can ever trust him again."

I think you will, once this is all over. If you think about it for a minute, you still trust H a lot, about many things. Just not about his marital loyalty and love. But I think you'll be able to get that back someday Ang, I know I will.

"We were still being intimate this past week, until the discovery of the EA on Thursday. Obviously, I'm not ready for that right today, but what if that's a way to connect with him. Sex is really important to him. If I cut him off, is that punishing him? Because I don't want to come across as punishing him. Both H and OW claim the affair was never physical...but who knows?"

That is up to you of course, but I think sex is important in a marriage, it IS a good way to connect. Maybe cutting him off would make him realize what he is doing to you, or maybe it would throw him into EA's arms, I dunno. I, for one, would welcome any physical contact from my H, sigh.....

"Then, the few friends and family I got support from the past day or two have been super amazing and encouraging but are ALL telling me to get a lawyer and leave. I'm not there yet. "

Aw Angela, don't fall for it. They are telling you to get a lawyer and leave because they love you and do not want to see you hurt, and because that is the way of the world. I have the greatest respect for you, and for all us Standers. At the end of the day, whether your marriage is reconciled or not, you will be able to look yourself in the eye (in a mirror I guess ) and know that you gave your marriage the best you could, and that you tried your hardest.

Hang in there, all this confusion is normal. You have just been kicked in the teeth, you will feel a little better once your head stops spinning so much.

[Pudmuddle]

WONDERFUL words Rosa, this helped me too, this morning.

I, too, wish for any physical contact from H. SIGH.

[Feenix]

Pud:

Thank you! I do feel a bit better today on how I'm handling things. And thank you for your continued encouragement and help!

Yes, I like the idea of the DB people being right there to whisper in my ear. That actually happened several times just this morning when I wanted to react a certain way or say something...I'd stop and realize that the people on here would definitely hit me with a 2X4, and I would stop myself. It did help me to be very mindful of my actions and words. Lol.


Linda:

First of all, thank you for taking the time to write such a helpful message. So much of what you said today is stuff I needed to hear.

This "letting go" thing is super complicated for me but your thoughts and advice from your coach are good.

You have to learn to detach from your husband's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing.

I'm going to update in a minute about this morning with H because it was all very confusing and all over the place. I need to get it all out of my head! Ugh.

On the intimacy thing, I know I need to get a health check to make sure I'm healthy...but, I did have an interesting conversation with H about ML, that he brought up. I've got lots to think about on that issue.

Aw Angela, don't fall for it. They are telling you to get a lawyer and leave because they love you and do not want to see you hurt, and because that is the way of the world. I have the greatest respect for you, and for all us Standers. At the end of the day, whether your marriage is reconciled or not, you will be able to look yourself in the eye (in a mirror I guess smile ) and know that you gave your marriage the best you could, and that you tried your hardest.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words!!! This is exactly how I feel, just nobody in my life understands this. You wrote just how I see it.

Thank you both!

[Feenix]

Update: Venting on here to clear my head!!!! Warning - very long. Had lots to get out of my mind.

So, H shows up this morning, after he said he wouldn't be coming home. I had asked him yesterday if I could borrow the truck sometime today to empty our trash barrel ashes so I could burn trash today (we live in the country where we burn our own trash...it's a pain. Lol.). When he left for work last night, he acted like it was going to be a big pain in his rear to let me use the truck, so I let it go.

Anyway, he shows up right after work this morning and wakes me up to go help him load the barrel. Then, we go into town and decided to go eat breakfast.

The whole conversation there was AWFUL. He wants to get D'd before the end of the year. He sees no reason to wait, etc. He is all about how miserable he is and how this is all pointless. He is ready to D right now. I try to listen and validate while letting him know that I am not ready to sign D papers. I tell him that if that is his decision then he needs to get the ball rolling because I will not. I tell him that I won't stand in his way, but that I do not want to rush into making such a huge decision. I try very hard to DB..but it was tough. It was an ugly conversation. I mostly let him rant and rave.

I tell him that a divorce won't necessarily make him happy. He says he knows but doesn't care.

We pull into the driveway and he gets out and says, "That's it. I'm leaving your sorry a**." and slams the door. I just sit there, in shock. The comment came out of nowhere!

As I'm still sitting there, he comes back outside with his truck keys and starts trying to talk to me. The convo starts and stops several times because he is just irrational and furious. He gets in his truck. He gets out. He comes to my car window and apologizes, while still ranting and raving. He gets back in his truck and honks. I open his truck door and ask if he wants to talk. He tells me to get the "he11" out of his truck and is shaking, he's so mad. I calmly say "ok" and shut the door and go get my purse out of the car. He rolls down the window and says he is sorry again. I just stand there, trying to be quiet and still. He is obviously in full MONSTER mode. He is acting CRAZY!

He FINALLY calms down and he starts R talk, again. He is telling me that he never loved me. That for the past 10 years, he has been thinking about divorce. He tells me there is no reason to stay married, etc. but then, he starts talking about "if" we tried to make it work, etc. He opens up about stuff he has NEVER told me. He tells me good/bad things about how he feels about our marriage...again, stuff he's never opened up about.

He tells me that his "love" for the OW isn't really love. That he doesn't know what I could be doing better or what he needs from me. He says that I don't understand his R with OW...that it is different than what I'm thinking.

He tells me he feels dead inside. He tells me that he is angry at the world and God. He says he doesn't understand why I keep thinking that I am the problem...that he is just miserable with his life in general. He says that he works so much and spends time with his friends to get away from the way he feels.

He completely admits to being depressed for the past 2-3 years and since he got laid off from his job that he loved. However, he tells me that he will never get put on meds or see a counselor. That it is his problem to deal with and that he doesn't want anyone else to know his private problems.

He tells me to quit trying to "fix" him...(guess I need to work on this one.)

He tells me that he knows I will never let the affair go and that he doesn't want to keep hearing about the OW for the rest of his life. I did tell him that I need to hear some things about her to get her out of my mind...but that I know I can't obsess about her or keep bringing her up. He keeps telling me over and over that I'm not getting it. That the OW has nothing to do with me or our marriage or our problems.

He was all over the place on what he was saying. One minute, he's always hated me, never loved me, never been happy. The next, he's talking about how we used to have good times, etc.

About sex, I told him that I hadn't written it off yet. That if we were both committed to working on things, then there was no reason to not be ML. However, if he was just using me or if he had no intention of working on the R, then we shouldn't be having sex. He reminded me that ML to me was how he feels connected to me and that it does mean something to him.

Our convo went around and around and around...but at the very, very end, after he already said several times that he is definitely done, he asked how we would move forward if we were going to try to make it work, one more time.

I told him that I do NOT want to talk about our R anymore for awhile. I told him that I do NOT want to talk about OW anymore.
I told him that I'm exhausted from our R and just want to pause it for a bit. I said for a couple of months, I'd like to just be a mom and him be a dad and us work on being nice to each other and take care of our kids. I'd like to do fun stuff together and get to know each other again with no pressure about a divorce from him.

I also said that I know he needs lots of space and time and I'm ok with that. That i understand if he needs to hang with his buddies or watch football or whatever.

He said, "I don't think this will work. What if we re-evaluate in 2 months, and nothing has changed?"

And, I said, "we've been together 16 years...what's 2 more months? And aren't our kids worth the effort?"

So, he said, "we just chill for a couple of months. make no big decisions. then re-evaluate. I can live with that."

Then, he said he needed to get on the road. So, I got out of the truck, told him to drive safe (cause he hasn't been to bed yet), and went in the house.

Thoughts??? I'm going crazy in my mind....