Confused about Detaching Part 2

[RosaLinda]

Hi Angela! As a fellow uRworthy fan, you might be interested in this thread she started a few days ago; I found it very helpful: gathered some old posts....

I am no vet, but just recently a light bulb went off in my head about what detaching and letting go mean (not saying I am able to do it yet, just that I finally get what they mean!) and that knowledge is due to uRw, Job, Cadet, and the rest, pounding it into my thick head over and over. Read the thread, I think it will be enlightening!

"I know I'm supposed to be giving H lots of space and time, especially since the discovery of OW.
However, one of the reasons he claims he needed OW was because it feels like I don't "need or want" him.
How do I detach and let go...give him that space...but not make it look like I don't care or like I am giving up? Or does it matter?"

My understanding of "letting him go" is that you are letting him do the things he wants and needs to do to continue on his journey of MLC self discovery. Not trying to push your own agenda onto him. No telling him that he is wrong. No begging or pleading or pushing. And "detaching" means to get to the point where your H's actions and words no longer affect you. This doesn't mean you are giving up on him or that you are not loving him, but rather realizing that he is temporarily crazy, and he needs to finish out his journey to become sane again.

My DB coach Chuck suggested I give my H space by never approaching him, including no texting emailing and calling, but when he approaches me, to be friendly and approachable. I thnk this sort of approach works best when the two parties live together or see each other a lot like you do. Chuck calls this being "lovely wife," I think TSquared describes it as being aloof but approachable.

In Divorce Remedy MDW wrote: "It is very important to give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel and experiment, even if part of the experimentation involves another woman....There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, like interrogation and issuing demands.....The one thing you have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband will have to find his own answers....Letting go is amazingly difficult, but unless you do, your marriage probably won't work out. You have to learn to detach from your husband's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing."

"I still love him deeply...just don't know if I can ever trust him again."

I think you will, once this is all over. If you think about it for a minute, you still trust H a lot, about many things. Just not about his marital loyalty and love. But I think you'll be able to get that back someday Ang, I know I will.

"We were still being intimate this past week, until the discovery of the EA on Thursday. Obviously, I'm not ready for that right today, but what if that's a way to connect with him. Sex is really important to him. If I cut him off, is that punishing him? Because I don't want to come across as punishing him. Both H and OW claim the affair was never physical...but who knows?"

That is up to you of course, but I think sex is important in a marriage, it IS a good way to connect. Maybe cutting him off would make him realize what he is doing to you, or maybe it would throw him into EA's arms, I dunno. I, for one, would welcome any physical contact from my H, sigh.....

"Then, the few friends and family I got support from the past day or two have been super amazing and encouraging but are ALL telling me to get a lawyer and leave. I'm not there yet. "

Aw Angela, don't fall for it. They are telling you to get a lawyer and leave because they love you and do not want to see you hurt, and because that is the way of the world. I have the greatest respect for you, and for all us Standers. At the end of the day, whether your marriage is reconciled or not, you will be able to look yourself in the eye (in a mirror I guess ) and know that you gave your marriage the best you could, and that you tried your hardest.

Hang in there, all this confusion is normal. You have just been kicked in the teeth, you will feel a little better once your head stops spinning so much.