I got an apology too. I can't say that I hurt any less for it.
Unless you get an apology from someone who truly understands/feels what they've done, it really doesn't mean anything. My H had a moment of clarity. I'm sure yours does too, he's just too proud to admit it.
The high of getting what he wanted will wear off. These addicts continue to leave a trail of hurt people and that won't change just because you aren't his wife. The wreckage will catch up in one or another.
Yesterday, while H was in our living room. I gave myself permission to stare at him. Not out of anger or bitterness, but to take in who he has become. He is a very frail-looking human being. He doesn't look like someone who is content, joyful, free to be himself or the person God intended. He looked weak and small. His words to me could very well been from a toddler having a tantrum. He is a child. Most addicts are, in MLC or not.
I, on the other hand, am a woman. I need a man, not another child to care for. I sometimes wonder if H knows this and that's one of the reasons he has lost interest in me. I'm no longer a victim, I'm a woman and he needs another child who will make him feel better about himself.
But, just think, (this is what I'm reminding myself) a dissolution protects you and the kids, more than before, from this toxic person. It doesn't negate the truth. And, the truth is... he has problems and somewhere, under the disease, he knows the truth of what he's done. He may spend the rest of his life medicating himself to hold that truth at bay... what a sad life.
You, on the other hand, are now free to explore a life you couldn't when the law said you were a couple.
You told me yourself, "I'm keeping my side of the street clean." You have, my dear, you have kept your side of the street clean and you have nothing to scar your soul by way of how you treated your spouse or kids. YOu honored your marriage, your spouse, your vows and your kids in a deep and meaningful way and against some truly horrific obstacles.
This is a cunning a baffling disease, but God works in Mysterious ways and He can do Amazing things. YOU will be ok. Feel it, let pain work through itself and get ready for this fabulous life you have in front of you.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
