Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

[THX-1138]

It's been a while since my last post - nine days. W is still out of town on her 10 day MLC vacation with college buddies watching football games at her alma mater, and partying like it's 1999. She comes back in town tomorrow. (To her apartment.)

I have been doing pretty well emotionally. Keeping busy and trying not to dwell on this stuff all day long.

********

Next week, divorce proceedings will begin in earnest. As a result, I have been considering breaking DB rules by instigating a serious talk with her. In this talk, I would ask her to delay the divorce proceedings until she is absolutely sure this is what she wants. She was still dating me and sleeping with me three months ago, and obviously confused about her own situation well into August. I would argue that she should not make such a serious decision so quickly. She knows that she was confused, but also believes she is really happy now, and that everything is going to be great.

Do you think this discussion/appeal is a good idea or not? My motivation is partly financial, because obviously, the lawyers are going to start chewing through our money. (There isn't much of it either.) I'm also hoping that if she agrees to be separated for another six months, it might make a possible reconciliation easier for her to think about. If she divorces me, it makes the path back home longer and more difficult for both of us.

Frankly, the closer we get to the actual divorce, the more distant I am moving from her. I do not anticipate standing for long after the papers are all signed (about six-nine months from now). So if she goes through with this D, I feel our chance of reconciling to be smaller than it already is.

An argument against having this talk, and appealing for a longer separation, is that she will see my request as pressuring and controlling, which tends to drive MLCer's nuts. Even if she agrees to delay the divorce, she may resent me for it.

I think she is trying to hold on to the moral high road in that having filed for D, she feels it is morally acceptable for her to have her affair(s). If she remains simply separated, she will feel that she can't be free to have affair(s), and will blame me for denying her pleasure and freedom. She will also blame me for her moral failings if she has affair(s) because it will be my fault she isn't divorced.

Thoughts?

[ForeverYoung]

That's a tough decision there, THX.

Some of our spouses just have to see it though, or they'll always harbor regrets/second thoughts. IDK if your W is one of them, but maybe you might? She did already file.

If you do decide to have the talk, (I think I would) just make sure to let her know that you'll give her D if that's what she's sure she wants. That way you're telling her how you feel, but still honoring her feelings. May the DB gods be with you.

[THX-1138]

Yeah, tough decision. I live in a no-fault divorce state so there is very little I can do about this in legal terms.


Just trying to figure whether to try to put the brakes on.

[THX-1138]

Also, I am experimenting with not wearing my ring. Took it off tonight. Feels weird but liberating.

Took it off for a couple hours on Thursday. It literally had not been off my finger in at least six or ten years.

[THX-1138]

Also, I am experimenting with not wearing my ring. Took it off tonight. Feels weird but liberating.

Took it off for a couple hours on Thursday. It literally had not been off my finger in at least six or ten years.

[willbwell]

THX, thank you for sharing. Its ditto for me. The experimenting with the ring. Everytime h comes over I look to see if he has his on. still does, although not sure it matters.
I had decided I will keep mine on until the last paper is signed.

I too want to have 'the talk' I just want questions answered. I don't want to continue to wonder. I know in my heart though he will see this as pressure from me. It is hard to drop it.

I read the book 'uncoupling'. I think I realized h has been long gone before the bomb drop. we have been separated well over a year now. h wants to move on. very little I can do at this point. h knows how I feel.

keep posting

[THX-1138]

One of the rules I've been following is this: If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Probably a good enough plan for now.

That said, W and I have not had a serious talk about the D since she filed. Seems a little weird to not even talk about it. Of course she wants t into o move right

[THX-1138]

One of the rules I've been following is this: If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Probably a good enough plan for now.

That said, W and I have not had a serious talk about the D since she filed. Seems a little weird to not even talk about it. Of course she wants to move right into being old friends.

[THX-1138]

That is some serious cake eating. But as a strategic move to stay on her mind and remain attractive to her, it might not be a bad move. I suspect her options for dating are going to dry up which might make me the last man standing.

But I am pretty angry right now about all she has done - and lately her spending sprees are really ticking me off.

So it going to be tough to be friendly and supportive while she is divorcing me. This whole thing is just freaking bizarre.

[reachingHigher]

IMO, I would NOT have a serious R talk with her right now. Especially on the heels of her coming back from her party-time.

My H had a similar out-of-town 10-day party spree last October, two months before we were going to be D. I remember him coming back to his apartment and not even calling me for a day or so.

He told me last night that he had been invited to a Halloween party the night he came back from his vacation and he chose not to go. What if there had been a serious R talk instigated from me right then? It wouldn't have drawn him to me.

I would recommend doing your own thing, being wondeful you, and not instigate anything. Let her be curious about what you were doing while she was away. She has a lot to think about right now.

I'm sorry it's so painful. I really do understand.