You'll think of me....

[RosaLinda]

"You'll Think Of Me" Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

Time for a new thread. A new thread to go with what I hope will be my new, stronger, older self. It's time to start detaching better, letting H go better. Not exactly moving on, but moving forward. I hope and pray, with the help of God and all of you on here.....

To reiterate what has been going on with me, I turned 61 this week, and my H initiated our 3rd relationship talk a few nights ago. I feel that I handled it much better than either of our two previous talks. I stayed calm, and validated his statements the best that I could. He was quiet and tearful throughout.

Some of the things he said made me believe he might becoming more self aware, and some of the things he said were pure MLC insanity.

He told me that the Russian Tramp had given him until October 2nd to notify me that he is divorcing me, and has been on his back demanding he follow through every few days since then. He did not say that he definitely wants a divorce, but rather that he does not know what to do and RT does not understand why it is a hard decision for him to make. She cannot understand why it might be hard for him to leave his wife of 38 years, his best friend and sole support, and to leave his home and family. He did not think any of his family would accept RT, but she does not care.

He asked whether or not I had noticed that he hasn't loved me and that he has been searching elsewhere for romance for the past 4 or 5 years.

He said that he has not been an easy person to live with, and my easy going nature is how we stayed married all these years. And described RT's nature as aggressive, pushy, arrogant, deceptive and argumentative, yet feels that they could be happy living together. He said the most important point to him is that he was sick and crabby when he was with RT in Moscow, yet she still loves him and wants him.

He said that RT fell in love with him the first time they talked on skype, and that she only asked him if he had any friends she could pay to marry her so she could get green card and come live here in New York with him.

He said the choice he has to make now is whether he should he keep living "half dead" with me or take a chance at "living life" and being happy for the first time in his life with RT. Yet he was unable to tell me what it is he loves about RT besides the fact that he feels her strengths balance his weaknesses.

He said that he said he does not consider any woman faithful who uses a vibrator, this is one reason he told RT that I have been unfaithful to him, which is why RT feels justified in breaking up our marriage.

I told him it does not sound like he trusts or even likes RT,and that I think RT is a phony who wants his IRA and a green card, and who will take half of his possessions and will leave him as soon as she gets a green card. I told him that I feel that I need to start moving on with my life (I have since realized that what I meant to say is moving forward ).

It is so hurtful and surreal to think that at age 61, at the time of my life when H and I should be enjoying ourselves, taking trips, going out together, enjoying our grandchildren, we are considering divorce. That I have been financially supporting my sick H for the past 7 years, and now he is thinking of leaving me for a Russian Tramp who only wants a green card.

I feel as if something inside me has died, or dried up. I no longer feel raw. My heart no longer leaps with joy when I see my H. His words and actions do not hurt me like they used to. Maybe this is detaching. Yet at the same time, I feel much more calm and hopeful that maybe H is starting to peek out of the tunnel a bit, and maybe this horrible replay stage will be winding down soon. And that if I can postpone divorce, we have a good chance at reconciliation.

Old thread: Since you went away....

[job]

Rosa,
I love the Keith Urban song and it's so very true that they do think of us.

I'm very sorry that your h is still wearing the rose colored glasses. I still think he's a bit of a nutty buddy in the fact that he described the tart in such a negative way and yet, he thinks he'll find happiness w/her. He's not ready to see her and his situation for what it is...oh, I do agree that if given the chance, she'll take him for everything and most likely leave him in debt. I can't even imagine wanting to leave a nice home and spouse to begin a new w/this type of person and someone he's hardly known...but they do it all of the time.

He's still got some replay to work out, i.e., resolving some issues...but it will take some time to do so. I think that if you make up your mind to do it, you can move forward and leave the door ajar.

Now, Rosa, it's time for you to start focusing on you and what you need to do to enjoy your life. Live your life to the fullest as if he may not return. The Mother Ship has been calling him for quite some time...drop the rope entirely and allow God to have him for a bit. He'll circle the earth many times, but he'll never find another place that is like home. Home is where the heart is and hopefully he will come to realize that before it's too late.

Take care of yourself.

[BrightFuture]

He did not say that he definitely wants a divorce, but rather that he does not know what to do and RT does not understand why it is a hard decision for him to make. She cannot understand why it might be hard for him to leave his wife of 38 years, his best friend and sole support, and to leave his home and family.

Sure, he was feeding her the negative stuff about you, no wonder she doesn’t understand why he has such a hard time making a decision.

He said that RT fell in love with him the first time they talked on skype, and that she only asked him if he had any friends she could pay to marry her so she could get green card and come live here in New York with him.

Oh, yeah, I suppose she whispered him in his ears all this “sweet” stuff, looking sincere and genuine at the same time. I’m not surprised that she can put such an act, she kept him hooked for so long now.

He said the choice he has to make now is whether he should he keep living "half dead" with me or take a chance at "living life" and being happy for the first time in his life with RT. Yet he was unable to tell me what it is he loves about RT besides the fact that he feels her strengths balance his weaknesses.

Oh, give me a break… Really? Happy for the first time? His rose colored glasses are not only thick, but also covered with something that I cannot even think what to name right now. He cannot even see through them, he just assumes things and believes in his fantasy.

It is so hurtful and surreal to think that at age 61, at the time of my life when H and I should be enjoying ourselves, taking trips, going out together, enjoying our grandchildren, we are considering divorce. That I have been financially supporting my sick H for the past 7 years, and now he is thinking of leaving me for a Russian Tramp who only wants a green card.

I am with you on this one. I was the main breadwinner for a number of years, and if not for my income we would not have the vacation home. And now H wants to live there with some Mexican girl, telling her that his marriage was over long time ago. Really, I guess he just put such a brilliant act to keep me believing that we had a future and common dreams together.

I feel as if something inside me has died, or dried up. I no longer feel raw. My heart no longer leaps with joy when I see my H. His words and actions do not hurt me like they used to. Maybe this is detaching. Yet at the same time, I feel much more calm and hopeful that maybe H is starting to peek out of the tunnel a bit, and maybe this horrible replay stage will be winding down soon. And that if I can postpone divorce, we have a good chance at reconciliation.

Well, this maybe what you need to feel right now. I’m glad that you feel more detached. I’ve just had some news that left me scratching my head, and I’m trying to decide if I want to blow it or stay put.

[kml]

He said that he said he does not consider any woman faithful who uses a vibrator, this is one reason he told RT that I have been unfaithful to him, which is why RT feels justified in breaking up our marriage.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

And I wonder just how many times over the course of your marriage he pleasured himself? Did you consider him to be cheating on you with his hand??? For cripes sake, MLCers DO say the darndest things.

Now, there's a few separate issues to consider here:

1) Number one is taking care of yourself. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to make a decision. And take note - you were accomodating and kind, but he's drawn to a demanding biatch? Sometimes I think we shoot ourselves in the foot trying to be nice to our spouses. (Read the book Why Men Love Bitches, kind of an eye opener). You may or may not decide you want him if and when he wakes up, he's leaving a mighty big trail of damage that he would have to work hard to repair. But right now you don't need to worry about that - you just need to worry about making YOUR life interesting and exciting for YOU.

2) Number two is looking after him. After all, even if you decided you never wanted to see him again, he has been your spouse of all these years and I know you really don't want to see him taken advantage of and ruined by RT, even if you do end up divorced. Dragging things out may take care of this on their own, as she may grow tired of waiting for this particular gravy train, or one of her other suitors may come through. He is reaching out a little bit through the fog, and you have to be careful how you word things, so as not to provoke a response in defense of RT - but you do need to plant the seed in his brain, that she doesn't have his best interests at heart, and that she will take him for all his money and leave him. Some small rational part of his brain must be left that thinks this himself. You might suggest that marriage counseling would be wise before leaving a 38 year marriage (I'd love to hear what a counselor would say about RT).

Or - you could take the aikido approach - roll with your opponent in order to throw him - start showing H a spreadsheet with the financial reality of his choice, show him the citation which shows that he won't have enough income to sponsor RT's green card, offer to "help" him get better employment so he can make enough money for RT (which, of course, lets you off the hook for some of that alimony, nicely).

3) You have to let go - you do the best you can to protect him from her, but in the end, he's an adult and you can't always protect him from himself. He may just need to have this terrible experience and it may not be in your power to prevent it. And you may find it remarkably freeing to live a life where you only have to worry about YOU.

[MileHigh]

Bright and kml broke it down and covered everything so well, I'll just say ditto to all that. From the outside, it looks like such an obvious scam to get over here. Marry a friend to be with him? Geez, bad movie plot right there! Did you ever see the old Eddie Murphy comedy bit about the mail order bride? As soon as she gets here.... "Half [expletive deleted]. Half!!!" Hope he figures it out before total ruin. But you know you hav to focus on you no matter what!

[Whiterose]

Great song Linda.

Detach and become strong in yourself. We'll do it together:)

[LoisB]

Rosalinda,

Why October 2nd? I just think setting a date like that is weird. And, why not Oct. 1????

Cuckoo.

Take care of your heart before his. You can do this!!

Heather

[complicated]

RL,
I agree, that is a weird date. I posted to you on my thread but hopefully MIL comes through for you. I'm curious now that you said H was all happy when he came back. How has he acted toward you?

I have to believe that someday your H is going to "wake up" and wonder how in the he!! he could have ever gotten caught up in RT's web.

I'm like you in that I'm still standing after a few years just hoping they see just how unbelievable all of this is. I'm hoping and praying for you RL that your H at least can see that RT is up to no good and to let that deadline come and go.

Hang in there RL! You are doing much better at detaching. Much better than I am!!

Hope the eyes are doing better each day and H is being good to you!

[nero]

hey hi linda -

whew - some conversation - you poorkid. wow that you were able to remain calm and lucid and ghive it thoughtful attention. i'm suich a putz and get rantie and shoot self in foot.

guess that's why you're the atty - ability to remain calm under fire.

even as a fly on the wall- it's hard for me to "hear"him say junk like "happy for first time". i can relate tho- how in the world alllllll those happy years are swept away and shoved into the back of their consciousness - don't exist anymore at present- i do not know. i feel sad foryour heart - to hear his "stuff". i can't figure out if it's better to talk or not at all. i guess some this, some that.

it sounds like you were supportive but standing your position - the detach thing is a wierd one. i'd think you both feel glad and sad about it- every time i notice i'm not actively "bleeding" - i feel a little sad that i'm becoming "hardened" about it- and wonder if, at the end of the day, i will want to know this man anymore. that's a sad thought totally- but it also makes me realioze at some point our self-preservation kicks in i guess- and we take outselves out of the line of fire .

i notice you're still feeling like hopeful about him - maybe getting to some better place in his head and all. i hope so- i find it hard to totally let go of hope too. it's a wierd thing also- this part of one's personality that keeps you and me "invested" , however small a bit, in this long long part of our lives. i think it's just our age (congrats on birthday by the way) and our dashed "plan" in life - well, expectation i guess. i thought the same things as you- at this age we'd be free and having a great time...

silly me.

i can only think that at their ages - they feel all glowie and warm and like new-young - big men to these women- whatever thier "NEED" is that this guy is fulfilling- and it just seems irresistable to them. to go to the place of insanity - i.e."happy for first time" is so nutty- i mean, what the heck has he been doing staying around allllll these years if he's been unhappy?

i'm sure you know and "feel" it's crazy- you can remember the connection and good times - like the rest of us. they just want to make us think we're nuts and it's all in our head - or all over (suddenly) because they say so, etc. it's a very darn tough one-

i get pissed about that and then I have ot say who the heck says THEY get to say a part of our life is over- they get to make that huge decision for us and about our lives??? i'm not sure if that makes sense when i say it outloud- becaue actually they can do it - easily. if this huge part of my happiness is my r with h - and he gets to just with draw- well, ta da! wtf???

they just all of a sudden wake up and realize that good ole "happy" for a lifetime together - isn't as EXCITING as new ole - HAPPY with a bunch of lightening bolts, etc.

it's all i can figure. me, you, since we have not had the wisdom in life to be collecting men in the sidelines - and don't have an immediate fall-back man/life/love/r - to pick up, shake out and put on...... i guess we just blob along being who we are best we can.i have trouble with the "make yhouself happy" bit. i know the theory- it's just the accomplishing it that's not so easy or quick.

just gonna take alot of time i fear- no rushing anything like that, that i can figure. a meaningless fling or sex isn't going to accomplish a darn ting.

oh yea-= vibrator. talking aobut searching around for some "reason" some "justification". how nutty- it's as nutty as my h saying in first "talk" after bmb - that one time i had a ratty bandaid on my finger and that put him off sex - ???!!! and that, somehow was what he saw as a good "justification" for cheating & lying...???like foryears before it happened - but hey, i'm sure he was anticipating i'd do something so heinus (icky bandaid? of all things) so he'd just get ready for the transgression and go for it- yeah- i get it - allllllll our faults - shoulder that BLAME WOMAN - ALLLL of it....

no kidding- couldja ever imagine a sane person using THAT as a seemingly perfectly reasonable reason for cheating? vibrator is equally dopey- what can a sane person say???

i am better at just going about my life and not thinking too much if i kep incredibly busy- but feeling "happy". i feel so bad for your sitch- i hope you'e rite that there's still some hope - i like to think it also. realistically speaking- there doesn't seem to be alllllll that many options available to you (or me for that matter) but to continue along best you can- practicing (ifyou will) the whole detach- stfu ( i was doing good - fell off wagon yesterday- feel like a ranting self- involved b!tch- nice) nice how that works out - isn't it? no matter what we do- we end up feeling badly- they end up feeling alllll justified, etc. notice how it always works that way? anything we do is justification? good stuff, bad stuff? all stuff? (if that's not nutty- what is??)

i'm very tired of feeling badly. i hopeyou're feeling okay- i hope you're not too down over this- i know it's awful- just when you thnk you can't stomach this junk- more is put on yourplate. i swear- i just don't know. I'm assuming that somehow we get thru it- whatever the heck "it" is - and in the end we're just some person who is a bit different - living a life that is a bit different, etc.

all tht adjusting to change junk everyone in universe keeps yakking about- how things change- nothing stays the same, etc.

i personally resent a bit how it's ALWAYS us that have become objectionable- your easy-going nature has created "the problem" - me too apparently. it is truly crazy- but there you have it-

allll those years of not being a demanding b!tch, silly you- and you thought youjust get to be who you are in life- HA!!

QYUESTION IS: what are ya gonna do and be and feel about it? do you (we) let it change who we are inside? do we believe alllll men cheat? do we still believe what we had was as good as we thought it was? knew it was??? despite testimony to the conrary (insane h?)

i feel dispirited myself. this business of being "nothing" to h when he's not with me. i hate it- i resent being a zero,. inside i kind of don't believe it- becasue he keeps me in his life (can't he seeeee that???) what the heck does he even think he bothers for??? i'd say he thinks he's being "generous" and has some kind of giant "obligation" or something that ALSO sheds a crummie light on me. you know- me being gthe bad guy as usual.

me, i wonder still about it all. one minute i think he can't cause this much pain to somepoor schnook (me) and be a person worth knowing. he can't be soooo deluded & selfish and be a person worth loving - YET- da da da dummmmmm....... i seem unable (well, loath) to shut the door on my whole past adult life with this guy- and walk away. just give it up- hand it over (without a fight) - whatever the heck that means.

it sounds stupid to me even- oh well huh??? i'm thinking you're there in the same old stinking mudhole with me.

i am so surprised tht your h can view this grasping b!tch of rt as someone he could even think HE HAS Some kind of fugture with- and who might be happy with. what in th eworld can be going on in his head????? maybe because he feels sooo bad about himself being supported by you- somehow that makes you the bad guy-"doing it to him" - like killing the messenger.

hating you somehow because he's forced to ask you for help. i get that kind of feeling somehow with my mother sometimes.

it's twisted. my h- he threw into the conversation somewhere yesterday that he doesn't know what he wants- "everyone" tells him he needs to pick one or the other (?) . so, like, is he telling everyone in the universe what a jerk i am? probably so- why should he escape the flack anyway? i sure get enough- judghement and flack aboutmy life, decisions, etc. and i'm just the jerk plunged into this all by him.

you too- flack from your friends. they just are not you- so that is just that. everyone gotta GOTTA follow their own path in their own way. smart or dumb- long or short- etc.

the bit of accepting partg responsibility. i'm not so sure- i know we're here and part of it all. of couse- on the other hand - they chose us for what we were/are - easy going, undemanding. if it necessarily follows that they get to want us to be different- do we have to be? should we? is it something we really should be embracing (this fine fine opportunity to b!tch up a bit in life?)

or what? where do you think you head from here? just roll along being the linda you've always been? do you feel yourself changing - and is it better or not?

i think i'm becoming a bit hardened and maybe suspicious - oerall. i hate it- i hate noticing it. i dn't want to be going around al edgy and sarcastic antrying to not just lay there and let him walk on me. it's a weird way to view things- and it's hard to "fight it". know wht i mean?

idon't want to be a had ole b!tch - i don't want to be an old stupid nice guy in the face of this mlc. i don't know what i want- hey-just like H - he's thrown me into a life-altering- questioning thing as well as himself.

i'm getting the heck out of here- hope you're doijg okay- hang on - you can do this - we can do this -

idk why- we can tho- and probably-= very probably we'll be better people at the end of the day??? be true to you

[reachingHigher]

Wow, RL, I read your post and some of the replies. I'm astounded too at the vibrator comment. Never heard of that being unfaithful. Inclined to LMAO too!

You've got some great advice up there from other posters. Just wanted you to know I read where you're at and think you're so sweet and kind. Hopefully H will wake up soon. Is there chemical imbalance in his brain? Have you already discussed this?

Thinking of you today,
rH