As always, I appreciate your input and your honesty.
Pud, I feel like I am taking responsibility for my part in all this. I've been taking the blame for a very long time...and have been working hard on changing me, even before I found this DBing stuff.
I feel such resentment toward H right now because he blames everything on me. He doesn't own up to any of it. And, I take on all that guilt, wondering what I could have done differently. What I could have done to make him love me enough to not want her. Wondering where I failed. He takes responsibility for none of it (and I'm guessing won't for awhile, if ever, if he's in a MLC), and I'm left questioning everything.
And, yes, I agree...my feelings are all over the place right now. I'm being very calm and comforting to the kids....just venting on here. But, inside, I'm a mess!
I was feeling so hopeful, and happy, these past few weeks, since finding this website and philosophy. Things seemed to be getting better. And, then this second "bomb drop"....I know you understand these feelings....it is just so hard to take in. He was lying to me the whole time I was blindly working on me, trying to be a better person and wife.
I really just want to stamp my foot and say, "No, I do NOT want to go through this right now. I do NOT want to be strong anymore. I do NOT want to feel like I was nothing to him."
The rational part of me knows that I have to work through this...I have to feel it, all the stages, and get through it. There is no easy way around this. There are no shortcuts. I know this. I just don't want that to be true so I want to throw my little tantrum, knowing that it won't change anything.
I'm exhausted and running on 2 hours of sleep and have a head and heart that are aching so much. I need to get to bed and get some rest.
And, thank you, though, all of you who cared enough this past 24 hours to check on me...to encourage me...to smack me when I needed it. Thank you. You've helped me through one of the worst days of my life.
Ang, he cant own up to it at this time. But it is important that you only take your stuff, not his. And equally important to understand that he blames you because he is broken and cant look inward right now.
You say you were blindly working on you, trying to be a better person. Well, that is a good thing and not time wasted, right?
uRworthy....I can only cry silent tears and nod my head. Yes, it was (is?) a good thing I was/am working on me. It wasn't time wasted. You are so right.
I know some day that it will matter that I am becoming a better person....I just wished H saw that. I miss him. And, I hate that I miss him.
Angela, of course you miss your h. Why wouldnt you? You love him.
I know that you were really hurt to find out what you did. And you reacted how you did. But now is the time to start to dig in and figure out how you want to act moving forward.
I am not talking about with your h. I am talking about you.
First you have to work through what you are feeling. Really and truly understand it. When you are ready, you can begin to let go of some of those feelings.
You arent ready yet. But I want you to try to understand that working on yourself is for you. Becoming your best self, is for you.
Because if you do it so that he can see it, well, then the changes arent real. And he will see right through that.
The thing to remember is that you should act as the person you want to be. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But that should always be the goal.
For you. Always.
So, think about how you want to handle this moving forward.
I think your h needs to see someone different, too.
I had also began to work on me months before the BD came. I was seeking counseling, getting meds, working on my weight issues and then kablooey, like it all didn't matter.
Then I realized I was still trying to do things for him, not for me. I was still too worried about what he thought. I had to let go of that and it has been very hard. But once you can get there, to do it just for you, really just for you, you will start on the feel better path.
Once I started to do things for me, the internal me, I began to lose weight, was in much better moods and felt like I had me under control. I had been struggling with losing this around the middle fat over 40 weight for about 3 years and I knew it was all a mind thing. Once I discovered how to break free from the emotions that were weighing me down, literally, I now am seeing the weight melt away.
Just an example, but this is what the mind can do when you begin to be good to you, to heal you.
I hope this helps.
Pud
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Angela, Just listen to what he has to say and do not agree to anything right now. If he's trying to push you to agree to something, advise him that you really do need some time to think about things. Don't try to change his mind because his perception of things will be different from yours and try not to argue w/him. The calmer and quieter you are, the more info you will get from him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Probably because I had this thread's previous advice already in my head, I have been doing what you both suggest. Seriously, I kept thinking "What would someone on the boards tell me to do?"
So, thank you all who have been giving me pointers, especially the past couple of days.
I've been mostly just listening... letting him talk.
Because I did open that bank account yesterday, he told me that it is obvious I am moving on. I told him that, no, I actually needed a lot more time to think things through. He replied, "Opening your own account is something you would never do. Anyone who knows you, knows that is weird behavior. It tells me that you are done."
At first, I worried about this but realized that it was a good 180, maybe? He also said that I "sure was acting all confident and sure" of myself and "acting out of character" for me.
He asked what my plan was. I told him I didn't have one, yet. That it is too soon to decide anything.
I also told him that we can't repair the old marriage but that we can build a new together. Completely start over. That I'm willing to do this but that I think we would need counseling.
He made a interesting comment. He said he realized there is no point in in marrying someone else down the road because the same things that bother him about me will probably be in any new relationship.
I have been literally biting my lip at times to not talk or argue or try to defend myself.
He is still very confused about what he wants, too. So, I just need to continue to listen, validate... and try to be the newer, calmer me? I keep trying to remember to just "be still".
