Questions on the 37 rules and other advice...

[S4tk]

S4tk,
Welcome, your in the right place, people here care and are here to help.

[quote=S4tkThough vague about her reasons for losing love for me, she has used words that I hadn't heard these 11 years: controlling, manipulative, "stealing her voice"

Listen to what she says to you, at minimum this is what she feels and is her truth. Start to look inward to see what might be true about her words.

IDK if any of that is true or not, but I do know that many people are like fish, they swim in water all day, but have no clue they are in water.

I am a "recovering" controlling/manipulative bully that had his eyes closed to a lot.

Best starting advice is listen to the vets on here, they know that they are talking about. Read DB and Sandi’s rules. Sounds like you have done both. You sound reasonable and able to listen, that is a plus, I was frantic.

This most likely will be a long journey, so don’t expect anything quick.
Focus on making you and how you can become a better person, let your W focus on her and don’t get in her way.
I have been told that there is almost always an Affair. Either PA, EA or imagined in their minds, so keep that in mind, but don’t focus on it.
[/quote]

I *hope* I have not been a controlling bully, but I am exploring what that might have looked like in her eyes. It is just strange that she had never mentioned anything close to those words during 11 years.

As for the affair, I am prepared for that bomb to drop, if it ever does. But she has told me there is no OM. She has said that she has fantasized about what it would have been like to have married other previous significant others instead of me. Ouch. During the first month after the bomb drop, she was sending those kinds of verbal daggers almost daily. I might have been asking for it.