I woke up early this morning around 4am With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along But that's OK There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories, I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cap and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been
Time for a new thread. A new thread to go with what I hope will be my new, stronger, older self. It's time to start detaching better, letting H go better. Not exactly moving on, but moving forward. I hope and pray, with the help of God and all of you on here.....
To reiterate what has been going on with me, I turned 61 this week, and my H initiated our 3rd relationship talk a few nights ago. I feel that I handled it much better than either of our two previous talks. I stayed calm, and validated his statements the best that I could. He was quiet and tearful throughout.
Some of the things he said made me believe he might becoming more self aware, and some of the things he said were pure MLC insanity.
He told me that the Russian Tramp had given him until October 2nd to notify me that he is divorcing me, and has been on his back demanding he follow through every few days since then. He did not say that he definitely wants a divorce, but rather that he does not know what to do and RT does not understand why it is a hard decision for him to make. She cannot understand why it might be hard for him to leave his wife of 38 years, his best friend and sole support, and to leave his home and family. He did not think any of his family would accept RT, but she does not care.
He asked whether or not I had noticed that he hasn't loved me and that he has been searching elsewhere for romance for the past 4 or 5 years.
He said that he has not been an easy person to live with, and my easy going nature is how we stayed married all these years. And described RT's nature as aggressive, pushy, arrogant, deceptive and argumentative, yet feels that they could be happy living together. He said the most important point to him is that he was sick and crabby when he was with RT in Moscow, yet she still loves him and wants him.
He said that RT fell in love with him the first time they talked on skype, and that she only asked him if he had any friends she could pay to marry her so she could get green card and come live here in New York with him.
He said the choice he has to make now is whether he should he keep living "half dead" with me or take a chance at "living life" and being happy for the first time in his life with RT. Yet he was unable to tell me what it is he loves about RT besides the fact that he feels her strengths balance his weaknesses.
He said that he said he does not consider any woman faithful who uses a vibrator, this is one reason he told RT that I have been unfaithful to him, which is why RT feels justified in breaking up our marriage.
I told him it does not sound like he trusts or even likes RT,and that I think RT is a phony who wants his IRA and a green card, and who will take half of his possessions and will leave him as soon as she gets a green card. I told him that I feel that I need to start moving on with my life (I have since realized that what I meant to say is moving forward ).
It is so hurtful and surreal to think that at age 61, at the time of my life when H and I should be enjoying ourselves, taking trips, going out together, enjoying our grandchildren, we are considering divorce. That I have been financially supporting my sick H for the past 7 years, and now he is thinking of leaving me for a Russian Tramp who only wants a green card.
I feel as if something inside me has died, or dried up. I no longer feel raw. My heart no longer leaps with joy when I see my H. His words and actions do not hurt me like they used to. Maybe this is detaching. Yet at the same time, I feel much more calm and hopeful that maybe H is starting to peek out of the tunnel a bit, and maybe this horrible replay stage will be winding down soon. And that if I can postpone divorce, we have a good chance at reconciliation.
). 