You are doing the right thing by leaving him be. He's going through a rough patch in mlc and he does feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for what he's doing/done. He's still very confused and he's spinning a bit.
All you can do right now is be a friend, i.e., listen, validate, be kind and have a lot of patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Because his behaviour is a mix of guilt/shame/and stupidity I find it hard someone's. But I know I need to give him space if I ever want to see him come back.
If he asked to come back today I'd have to decline until he was ready to deal with his issues. The more I read about attachment disorder, the more I think it relates to him.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
Maybe this is early days and I'll be retracting it in a few days. But my H doesn't seem to take his affairs past emotional status to physical. In fact it's generally a sexual text relationship and never even gets to face to face status. It doesn't hurt any less for me but do you think this will impact on his MLC journey?
A lot of what I read suggests they need this OW to help them realise what they are missing, I worry that if he keeps jumping from one to the other without anything physical, he may never get through this MLC.
Similarly I don't want it to get to physical as I'm not sure ill be able to forgive that.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
CC, Some don't take it any further than an EA and others, will do an EA and then jump to a PA. Some have multiple PA's. We never know which ones will do the full blow PA's. We just have to hope that what he really needs is the flirtation to satisfy his need for attention.
I wouldn't worry too much about him getting through his MLC. What can hold them back is if they don't have the time and space to focus on themselves, i.e., grow up from the age that they were emotionally stunted. If you can give him all of the time and space he requires, he may be one of the lucky ones to make it thru completely.
You don't know what the future holds for either of you. Live in the present and take each day as it comes. Look for at least one good thing to smile about each day.
Be patient and above all else, take care of you. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok job I know you're right. I'm doing very well for 4 weeks in, I just slip back to trying to fix him. I've been doing it for 10 years, I don't know any other way yet.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
CC, Old habits die hard, but you've got to turn it over to God. Keep this in the back of your mind...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. I do understand about the old habits, because I was a fixer too.
You'll get there...it just takes time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry I'm not religious but I didn't break him. But I didn't break the man next doors car, but I'd help him fix it. I just can't fix my husband, because it will break me and I've got kids to think about now.
He needs to fix himself. Wouldn't it be nice if this was simple.
He kept saying last night that he's been so selfish that he can't concentrate on himself anymore, he needs to make sure me and him are friends and that the kids are happy. He said his happiness doesn't matter, because he doesn't believe he can concentrate in himself without screwing up me and the kids.
I said I'm sorry that's how he feels and that I'm sure hell make the right choices but that I think the kids would benefit more from him concentrating on getting well.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
It doesn't hurt any less for me but do you think this will impact on his MLC journey?
A lot of what I read suggests they need this OW to help them realise what they are missing, I worry that if he keeps jumping from one to the other without anything physical, he may never get through this MLC.
Similarly I don't want it to get to physical as I'm not sure ill be able to forgive that.
These are my exact thoughts as well. I don’t think my H has OW yet, and I’m not sure if has/had real EA, but I know that he exchanges the flirtations and sometimes even explicit texts with female so called “friends”. At the same time he has this fantasy in his head about “harmonious and effortless” relationship with someone he is supposed to meet any time soon. Sometimes I think that it would be better if he had an OW already, so he could return to real world, but then I think that if he has OW, I will not be able to forgive that too.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Well he may well be still in the fog but tonight we've had movement....
He spoke to the children and asked to speak to me but I said I was busy. I was! Once the kids were in bed he started sending texts asking how we all were, then onto how I was. I answered when it needed answered but left the ones that didn't. If I didn't answer within 10 mins he'd send another question so I had to respond.
I'm taking this as a positive.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
