Not doing very well today - first time in a few weeks that I haven't been able to shake the funk. PMA is kinda nonexistent right now.
Talking to H on the phone today about S's problems just felt so, so wrong. We should be sitting down TOGETHER, working through this TOGETHER, as husband and wife, as partners. We should all be holding each other up as an intact family. It just felt so distant and impersonal and...I just HATE this. I haven't cried, at least. Came pretty close a few times, but I held it back.
I think I'm just going to try and get some sleep, and start fresh tomorrow. I have to see him to pick up the check, so my PMA needs to be through the roof. I'll be daaamned if I'm going to let him see looking anything less than radiant!
H just called again, and this call left me feeling a lot better. He was much more expressive and engaged. He said that he really wants to be more involved, and be there for S. He also told me that he'd been digging deep, learning a lot about himself over the past two weeks, and to please bear with him. Encouraging, but I know better than to get my hopes up. I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - being a good mom for S, and working on me!
Thanks, jbm! I like that quote, and will add it to my arsenal, lol! Along with "Make time your friend" and "It's a marathon, not a sprint." I did get a good night's sleep, and woke up with a much better attitude. Hey, I'm going out of town with my wonderful S and we're going to have a great time - no worries!
So, I just called H. First, I talked to S to let him know that, because his dad loves him, I thought he would want to know about the counseling and the depression. S was okay with that. Called H at work,(why at work?} and told him that I knew he was probably busy at the moment, but when he had more time, could he call me so that we could talk about S. He immediately wanted to know what was wrong, and said he'd make time right now. I told him about the counseling (not details), and that S had opened up to me a little - that he felt he wasn't in a good place and was very unhappy. I made sure to let him know that I felt the depression had been there before the separation, and that this wasn't his fault. Told him that I was letting him know because he is S's father, and I felt that he would want to know. And also told him that, while I would welcome and appreciate his input, I also understand that he is dealing with a lot of things himself, and that needn't feel pressured. He said that he very much wanted to help out, and that he would call me first thing tomorrow so that we could deal with it together.
I know you don't think you're a fixer but this above pretty clearly indicates that you are. You're a mother and that's what we do a lot of when our kids are small but as they grow up we sometimes continue to fix.
You definitely don't need to do that with your H.
Do you see how you made decisions about things that are his to deal with?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug, I called him at work because that is the only place I can reach him at the moment. He doesn't have a cell phone right now, and even if he did, he is at work from 9AM until after midnight.
Thank you for the feedback! Normally, I would have just told him what was going on w/ S without adding the qualifiers. But, like I said, I strongly believe that I am dealing with a man in a mlc, so I wanted to word things carefully. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was pressuring him or blaming him. Still, it's something to think about, and I certainly will.
But for the next two days, I'm putting all that out of my mind, and concentrating on having a great trip with my son!
I get what you're saying but just laying out the facts is usually the best way to communicate difficult things, even to people who are depressed. Unless he's severely clinically depressed, he has times when he feels OK and he can spare some mental real estate to give his son support.
About the pressuring and blaming, he might not have thought about it until you brought it up. I don't mean that to sound harsh but do you see what I mean? It's already in your mind that you think you might be doing that, so you apologize in advance.
What if you had said: H, I want to let you know that S has been having a difficult time with depression for a while now and is seeing a counselor. He gave me permission to tell you. If you want to know more, call S.
What the heck does he do? Has he always worked like that? How did you have a marriage?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
What the heck does he do? Has he always worked like that? How did you have a marriage?
H is a restaurant GM. And, as of 3 months ago, he is also the acting chef. The place is open 7 days a week for lunch and dinner, and he is there, cooking and taking care of waitstaff problems, etc., for the duration. And no, it wasn't always this bad. Yes, there have been periods in our marriage where he has worked too much, but it only started getting this crazy about 2 years ago. The 14/15 hour days, 7 days a week started after the separation.
The weekend out of town w/ S was great! It was good for both of us to get out and away from things for a while. H has called 3 times since we've been back (a record for him), and is telling me how much he wants to see both of us - usually, he talks about wanting to see S. His last call, a few minutes ago, he said ILY. I'm trying to just take it in stride, and not get too excited about it. I'm gonna take a few deep breaths, go cook dinner, and occupy my thoughts elsewhere.
In many ways, as awful as all this has been, it may be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The time I've had to reflect on myself and my marriage has been a blessing. Looking back over the past few years, I see a person that was emotionally closed, insecure, overly negative, selfish and just not particularly enjoyable to be around. Not saying that H is blameless, that he doesn't have his own issues and demons, or that having A was the right way to handle things, but seeing my contributions to the problems we're having is so helpful. And it's liberating, in a way. It has given me a clearer focus. Making the changes I need to make, for me to become the person I want to be, is hard work - but it is so very rewarding. I don't want to be that person I've been for the last 3 years, the person crushed under the weight of self-doubt and negativity, and crippled with social anxiety and insecurity. Not anymore and never again. I think H is starting to notice these changes, but even if he doesn't, or even if that doesn't make any difference to him, I will come out of this just fine.
In many ways, as awful as all this has been, it may be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The time I've had to reflect on myself and my marriage has been a blessing. Looking back over the past few years, I see a person that was emotionally closed, insecure, overly negative, selfish and just not particularly enjoyable to be around. Not saying that H is blameless, that he doesn't have his own issues and demons, or that having A was the right way to handle things, but seeing my contributions to the problems we're having is so helpful. And it's liberating, in a way. It has given me a clearer focus. Making the changes I need to make, for me to become the person I want to be, is hard work - but it is so very rewarding. I don't want to be that person I've been for the last 3 years, the person crushed under the weight of self-doubt and negativity, and crippled with social anxiety and insecurity. Not anymore and never again. I think H is starting to notice these changes, but even if he doesn't, or even if that doesn't make any difference to him, I will come out of this just fine.
I know just what you mean, I was there, too.
This is a good place to start to build from.
I'm happy for you because I know that liberating feeling.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm trying to just take it in stride, and not get too excited about it. I'm gonna take a few deep breaths, go cook dinner, and occupy my thoughts elsewhere.