My posts are still taking forever to post. I don't know why. I will keep journaling.
I have MC by myself today and for those who have been following my stitch, you know I suspect that H has borderline personality disorder. I will ask the C how to approach that with H so he looks for help. He has admitted that something is off with him and when I read a few things about the disorder, he agreed that that's a lot of how he feels.
Does anyone have any idea of how I should go about it?
H was gone with SS11 all day yesterday. He sent text messages with funny pictures of SS11 and I took my time to respond. When they arrived I was already in bed. The old me would be lingering downstairs to talk with them. I heard H come into my room and just stand there. Eventually he walked away.
For some reason, in days I don't see him, and especially after talking with C, I have a more negative view of him and the whole situation. I catch myself getting so angry and sad.
H has been extra nice, doing things for me, fixing everything around the house, trying to show he is a good dad to our S1, so those are all positives.
My brain can't figure out, though, it he is being nice just to keep the peace until the baby is here or while SS11 is here, or if he is coming around. I'm not sure.
One thing I'm finding hard is to detach without seeming like I'm mad. I've been more distant physically by staying in different areas of the house, but when. H and I interact I have trouble looking at him on the face. Don't know why.
Hello Pregg. I just looked at your threads, whew! I cant even imagine being in your shoes.
First, it must have been very hard while he was gone. I mean, it was not the safest place in the world, huh? What did you do to get past any fear you felt while he was over there?
Now, he is finally where you can see and feel that he is safe and you get hit with the possibility of him being taken away anyway.
On top of that, throw in the massive swinging of your poor hormones. You truly are a very strong person.
I know it is hard to see the big picture when all of this craziness is swirling around you all day, but it sounds like you are still kinda centered on him. His moods, his thoughts, his words. You already possess some impressive techniques to deal with stress and survive or you would not have made it this far. Try and take those techniques and focus them on you.
It is hard to do, but right now it does not matter what his thoughts are. Trust me, knowing his thoughts will not help you in any way... yet.
He gets worried when you pull away. That is a positive emotion that you want him to feel. Don't let his worry scare you into stopping. YOU are not damaging the R. HE has done the damage and you cannot control him.
I think he needs to work through his guilt if he is going to come out the other end. For him to work through it, you have to allow him to feel it.
Trust me, I know exactly how hard and painful this is. I wish it were easier. But I promise, if you can detach and look at you, no matter what happens, things will start to become less painful and more easy for you.
Just move your mind to your babies and you when ever it lingers on him and your R. And if possible, post some goals and we can help you focus on them
HI preggo! I caught up on your threads and I have to say things are moving in a positive direction for you.
It's especially hard to db when you have kids AND the H is still in the house. Your mood swings will vary yes, I still struggle with that too. Added on to that for you the extra hormones!
I'm glad to see your name was just changed and nothing happened to the baby! I didn't think you were due yet, so I was concerned.
I too have noticed I cannot look my H in the eye much lately either. It's probably because we are trying to remember good db technique and trying to be mindful of what we are saying. Plus it still hurts. Keep doing the great things you are doing, your 180s are fab.
Someone on here mentioned they had a smile reminder on their calendar. To practice smiling even if you didn't feel like it. Because it turns something on in your brain for positive emotions. Maybe you could try that small thing before you are present around him. Just say 'Ok, smile and I can do this' before you walk into the room.
Hang in there preggo.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
He gets worried when you pull away. That is a positive emotion that you want him to feel. Don't let his worry scare you into stopping. YOU are not damaging the R. HE has done the damage and you cannot control him.
I think he needs to work through his guilt if he is going to come out the other end. For him to work through it, you have to allow him to feel it.
Thank you for saying that. A lot of times I feel like I am being too cold and that this could backfire, but lately I can't help it.
I need distance, but I don't, if that makes any sense.
I woke up crying this morning and I think everyone heard me. H kept hounding me, asking what was wrong, and that I seemed off. Again, I don't want to hint or start any serious R talk while SS11 is here, so I said I had some nightmares.
Eventually H just laid down the couch and looked miserable himself. Maybe that's the guilt he has to go through?
He is still doing nice things for me and trying his best to be involved with S1.
I did a terrible job at GALing and instead of hanging out with my friends, I went to the beach with H, SS11 and S1. They all had a blast. I was in a foul mood up until I read some responses here. Thank you, ladies!
I get so down on myself that I wonder if this is worth fighting for. H has never been an easy person to get along with, hence why I think he has borderline personality disorder. He fits it to a T. My C yesterday asked me whether I'd be willing to keep dealing with this issue for the rest of my life, if he is never really getting help for this. It's a good question. Our lives had always had drama caused by him. It's never been smooth. There's always something stirring. The calmer and happier we seem to get, the crazier his mood swings become.
First, it must have been very hard while he was gone. I mean, it was not the safest place in the world, huh? What did you do to get past any fear you felt while he was over there?
Now, he is finally where you can see and feel that he is safe and you get hit with the possibility of him being taken away anyway.
On top of that, throw in the massive swinging of your poor hormones. You truly are a very strong person.
I'm not sure if I'm a strong person. I feel like I'm falling apart most of the time.
The deployment was hard. I had every single problem a pregnancy can have and a hyper toddler to care for.
I had a stalker and even the ceiling on my kitchen fell.
I think this house has never seen these many cops and handyman. And I had a doctor's visit every second for every new issue. It was HELL.
Just picture me PROJECTILE vomiting, scary movie style, while peeing myself and while S1 screamed terrified. That was a normal day.
Meanwhile H detached completely. He didn't seem to care as much as he should have. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for days, and I thought he was being attacked, and some days he was, but now I think he was just spending time with OW. They would go out and have ice cream and coffee (Afghanistan is not that scary anymore) and I guess make out after -- he says they didn't have sex. I doubt it.
Most families go through a six month process where the military branch prepares all involved for the challenges to come and also the military person usually goes with a unit, a group of people.
H was called during S1's bday party and told he would have to leave by himself within three weeks. I never had any support or readiness from the usmc or a group of military wives to lean on because he went alone (if he had gone with a unit, I highly doubt he'd get involved with someone there because he is an officer and the other officers would keep tabs on each other)
Apparently they needed H for some job ASAP. However, when H arrived there, there was no job and he just sat somewhere for almost a month until the usmc and NATO to decide on a job for him.
Before H left we were in a state of honeymoon. Lots of sex and sleeping holding each other. H said many times that I was it, that I was his best friend, that this was forever and that we would get through this.
When I was ovulating, I told H. He said, "it's time for us to have another one, anyway. I want them to be close in age"
The H that came back claims he never said those things, that he volunteered to go to escape me and that he wished he would die there just so he wouldn't have to come back home.
I'm new here, but from what I have read, you are doing a good job. I will have to ask in my thread (once it opens and I see my posts) what is the step-by-step process. For example, from what it sounds like, your R currently has the looks of something that has been pulled back from the brink of D. What's next?
I'm not so sure we are out of the D yet. He simply does not talk about it anymore and doesn't seem to be communicating with OW. I wonder if it is because the baby is due in12 days and he is finally following what the MC has asked him to: discretion if he will continue with that or out of the house he goes. I also wonder if it is because SS11 is visiting. I'm not sure.
For now, my goals are:
- not talk about R or OW -- although I daydream to a smack him over the head with his damn iPad and then flush it if I see him talking with her.
I don't think I did very well today. I was too available and even a little snappy. When SS11 asked what Karma meant and I explained it to him, I said that sometimes karma didn't work.
H said, defensively, what is that supposed to mean?
And I said, nothing, it's just that sometimes people really hurt someone else and get away with it.
After that H was in a bad mood and set far away from me.
I went to the obgyn and I am now measuring 43 weeks. My body hasn't changed at all, so all my weight is in this abnormally big belly. I told H it can be due to a tumor and I'm going to o exams in the hospital this Sunday. I said, I guess that's the answer to your prayers, huh? He got defensive again.
