As always, I appreciate your input and your honesty.
Pud, I feel like I am taking responsibility for my part in all this. I've been taking the blame for a very long time...and have been working hard on changing me, even before I found this DBing stuff.
I feel such resentment toward H right now because he blames everything on me. He doesn't own up to any of it. And, I take on all that guilt, wondering what I could have done differently. What I could have done to make him love me enough to not want her. Wondering where I failed. He takes responsibility for none of it (and I'm guessing won't for awhile, if ever, if he's in a MLC), and I'm left questioning everything.
And, yes, I agree...my feelings are all over the place right now. I'm being very calm and comforting to the kids....just venting on here. But, inside, I'm a mess!
I was feeling so hopeful, and happy, these past few weeks, since finding this website and philosophy. Things seemed to be getting better. And, then this second "bomb drop"....I know you understand these feelings....it is just so hard to take in. He was lying to me the whole time I was blindly working on me, trying to be a better person and wife.
I really just want to stamp my foot and say, "No, I do NOT want to go through this right now. I do NOT want to be strong anymore. I do NOT want to feel like I was nothing to him."
The rational part of me knows that I have to work through this...I have to feel it, all the stages, and get through it. There is no easy way around this. There are no shortcuts. I know this. I just don't want that to be true so I want to throw my little tantrum, knowing that it won't change anything.
I'm exhausted and running on 2 hours of sleep and have a head and heart that are aching so much. I need to get to bed and get some rest.
And, thank you, though, all of you who cared enough this past 24 hours to check on me...to encourage me...to smack me when I needed it. Thank you. You've helped me through one of the worst days of my life.
