When you start out on this journey, it is about your marriage and your spouse. But really and truly, YOU are the most important thing in all this. Your feelings, your spirit, your drive, your beliefs. Dbing is about saving yourself, and sometimes it saves marriages.
As you go through all the stages of grief over what your marriage once was, you begin to realize some things and that is when the growth begins.
I think we can all say that our marriages weren’t perfect. No marriage ever is.
So, looking within is where you start. You need to think about the things that need changing.
While none of us wanted this, none of us saw it coming; we are given an amazing opportunity. We get to start anew. We get to go back to thinking about who we are and what we want.
When we begin to make changes, slowly at first, with trepidation, trying on this new person, it is scary. And then, eventually we become who we were meant to be.
We should learn that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When that happens, the real healing begins. We can’t really love someone else, until we love ourselves.
When I began this, I wanted to make a roadmap. I started to think about some questions I wanted to ask myself. What did I want to see when I looked back? Who did I want to see? What did I want to show my son?
I knew I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to say I acted with dignity, courage, strength and grace. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I didn’t want to fail at this opportunity of showing my son how to get through life’s tough parts. I wanted to know that I did nothing to interfere with my son's relationship with his father. I knew I was not responsible for their relationship, but, I was responsible to cause no harm to it.
So, with this roadmap, I figured out how to move forward and detach. I learned to believe in me and I knew that I trusted in Him. I knew because of that, I would be ok.
I learned that the hardest part in all this is in letting go. But, that is the greatest act of love. It doesn’t mean you are giving up. It doesn’t mean you do not care. It is saying that you hear your spouse; you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to lovingly allow them to walk their journey.
With that mindset, you begin to detach so that their actions and words do not affect your actions and words. You are allowing them to live their life, and figure themselves out and you are allowing yourself to do the same.
When it is time, the hope is that no matter what, you come to a place of forgiveness. That is so important. You do not want to carry that anger and bitterness around with you forever. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. Forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different. My friends, I know how devastating this is. I know that it is a pain which you have never known before. I know that you feel lost and powerless. Please know you will not always feel that way. You will get through this. You will be ok. You will come out the other side stronger and wiser.
