I do want to pull away "big time" and stay that way for awhile. It's so hard when they're technically at home, though. I wish he'd get his stuff and just move out and leave me alone.
I guess the thing I need to stop worrying about right now is this.....I feel like I am really done. I will truly never be able to trust him, ever again, about anything. He was already a liar. And, now, he's lied X a million.
I feel like I need to be taking steps to get this over with. I don't want to be married to "him"...I still love the image of who I thought, who I hoped, he was. But, the real man that he is...is someone I can never respect, never trust again.
He has destroyed all that. I feel like I'm not grieving because I'm losing the "current" him...I'm grieving over the marriage we used to have and the man he used to be...or at least, the man I thought he was. And, that "good" stuff has been gone awhile now.
I don't even know right now, in all this confusion, what the point of DBing is for me. I don't want to reconcile with him.
I want to heal and get better and be okay, someday. I am SO worried about my kids and how all of this is going to screw them up.
But, I do not want to be with a compulsive liar and user. He used me. He used me in so many ways....he manipulated me and made me think I was "crazy" and "paranoid" and "overly mistrusting"....when my instincts were exactly right.
Even last night, he was trying to get me to admit that his affair was my fault. He wanted me to accept blame for every part of this. He's not even sorry. He's sorry that he might have messed up his R with OW...but he's not even sorry for what he's losing in me and the kids.
He hasn't even checked in on, or asked about the kids, one time since he left the house for work last night.
And, I understand about not uprooting my kids from this house...but we've lived here two years....all of which have been he11. This house is nothing but bad memories.
