Confused about Detaching Part 2

[Pudmuddle]

Angela I am SO sorry to hear about this. It breaks my heart as much as it did for my own sitch.

Cat's advice is spot on and you should NOT make ANY decisions right now on what to do as you will be going from one emotion to the next in a matter of minutes, hours. Don't do anything that you might regret later.

Remember right now your children need stability. So for you to pack them all up or for you to leave would crush their little worlds. Their home is what they know and to change that would make them feel awful.

You are fortunate that you have been doing db before you found out this awful truth, so remember the things you have learned. It's very hard to practice them with such extreme emotion but always think of this before you do anything.

Your H is saying everything that the MLC boards talk about, don't let him manipulate you with any of them. Don't react. Let him solve the mess he has created, you cannot.

I'm so sorry Ang.

[LoisB]

Take it from me. I've screwed up a lot and made my situation worse from REACTING to my H's crazy behavior.


Don't REACT. Take your time, digest the information, get yourself centered, reach out here and elsewhere for support and, then, make a good decision.

This is important. Your marriage is important. Your kids are important. I only say this because I've messed up on this sooooo many times. Your marriage, your life, your kids deserve your best decisions right now.

I like the manicure idea. I may do that myself today. :-)

Heather

[Cadet]

But, I'm starting to see that I really may have to start all over again, alone. And, that scares the H*** out of me.

Whether you marriage survives or not this is true.
A hard truth that we must come to realize.
No matter what our marrages are over at bomb drop.
We will need to have a new relationship built from the ground up.

Who it is with is our choice.
And how it gets built is also our choice.

But these are real choices that people here will help you to realize.

[LoisB]

All of the veterans say this--over and over and over--in one way or another every day.

It only took me about a year to fully understand it!! (At least for my heart to understand the true meaning).

I thought I could hang onto part of the "security blanket" of my marriage and my H. I grew complacent in this idea that my spouse was a buffer to the world. I accepted that he would protect me and take care of me.

It was unfair of me to ask this of him. When we lived together, I had a much better sense of our being autonomous people. After a year together, I even asked for a divorce, but wanted to still live together, because I sensed the idea of "marriage" on both our parts would be our doom. I was right and should've listened to my instincts.

No matter what, you will have to let go of the old marriage and the old relationship. Wipe the slate clean. If you don't accept it, you will only prolong the grieving and put off dealing with the truth.

The truth is... things change, people change, families change, the world spins and changes everyday. We have a choice to accept it or fight it.

Heather

[Feenix]

Pud, Heather, Cadet, everyone else....

Thank you for the support, advice, etc. I still just feel dead inside....but then, at the same time, so hurt that I can't breathe.

I'm already so tired of crying.....so tired of thinking about anything.

I went and got a second bank account in my name this morning and put my paycheck in there. In the past few months, H would promise to leave my paycheck in there to pay bills but then would have some "excuse" to take out $300-500 dollars while I was at work, even though he gets paid about $500 every week (which he started putting in a "secret" account right after I found out about EA last October.

I felt like I, at least, needed to protect my ability to pay bills and feed the kids.

Haven't heard from H in any form since 11 PM last night when he threatened to kill himself. I'm sure he's just hiding out somewhere...and honestly, it's easier if he isn't here right now.

If he's not here, I can't yearn for him to hug me or tell me it's all ok.

He's probably with "her" convincing her how horrible I am and finally sleeping with her, out of spite. I hate him. I hate her.

I don't want to hear any more lies from him, or hear any more reasons why everything was all my fault and what a horrible wife I've always been. I don't want to hear anymore how much he loves HER. Ugh. Makes me want to throw up.

I did go to Starbucks and got a Pumpkin Muffin and Pumpkin Spice Latte, after going to the bank. YUMMY!

Then, my dad and brother were already coming to my house to take back a calf today so I went to lunch with them and enjoyed the time away from the house.

I picked up my kids a little early from school and we're home baking cookies and hanging out.

But, I feel so lost. Completely lost.

I know you have all been through this. I know that I suspected he was doing this for the past year. I'm glad I finally know the truth, for myself, saw the texts and talked to OW for myself....glad it's finally in the open.

But, will I ever feel whole again? My kids are the ONLY thing holding me together right now.

[Feenix]

If/when he contacts me, what do I say?

Right now, today....I never want to see him or talk to him ever again. But, I don't want to show that hostility to him. I don't want him to know that I'm hurting over him. Period.

Maybe he'll just fall off in a hole somewhere......

[Pudmuddle]

Angelababy,

I'm sorry you are hurting. But believe it or not you are moving forward. You are grieving for what was. Let that old stuff go and think about how to move forward.

Your kids need you.

I remember being at this spot, where I was done crying, done stressing over his stupid decisions. It's still hard but it does get easier.

Good for you for getting an account for you, very smart move. Especially if he is suddenly taking that large of an anmount out. How ridiculous. Ugh.

Let him soak in the lies and deceit he has created. Doing anything with him will NOT make you feel better, so pull away big time. Be strong my friend. You can do this.

Slow your mind down and practice deep breaths, in through your nose out through your mouth at least 4 times.

I'm reading a really good book, the Passion Trap. Maybe see if your library has it. or can order it interlibrary.

Pumpkin muffins and latte, can I just say YUM! I may have to go get some of that now...thanks a lot, LOL.

[Pudmuddle]

If/when he contacts me, what do I say?

Right now, today....I never want to see him or talk to him ever again. But, I don't want to show that hostility to him. I don't want him to know that I'm hurting over him. Period.

Maybe he'll just fall off in a hole somewhere......

I would not answer his texts/emails/calls whatever. You are too high on emotions right now to respond in a good way. He needs to DEAL without you, since this is what the poor baby wanted, right?

[Feenix]

Thank you, Pudmuddle!!!

I do want to pull away "big time" and stay that way for awhile. It's so hard when they're technically at home, though. I wish he'd get his stuff and just move out and leave me alone.

I guess the thing I need to stop worrying about right now is this.....I feel like I am really done. I will truly never be able to trust him, ever again, about anything. He was already a liar. And, now, he's lied X a million.

I feel like I need to be taking steps to get this over with. I don't want to be married to "him"...I still love the image of who I thought, who I hoped, he was. But, the real man that he is...is someone I can never respect, never trust again.

He has destroyed all that. I feel like I'm not grieving because I'm losing the "current" him...I'm grieving over the marriage we used to have and the man he used to be...or at least, the man I thought he was. And, that "good" stuff has been gone awhile now.

I don't even know right now, in all this confusion, what the point of DBing is for me. I don't want to reconcile with him.

I want to heal and get better and be okay, someday. I am SO worried about my kids and how all of this is going to screw them up.

But, I do not want to be with a compulsive liar and user. He used me. He used me in so many ways....he manipulated me and made me think I was "crazy" and "paranoid" and "overly mistrusting"....when my instincts were exactly right.

Even last night, he was trying to get me to admit that his affair was my fault. He wanted me to accept blame for every part of this. He's not even sorry. He's sorry that he might have messed up his R with OW...but he's not even sorry for what he's losing in me and the kids.

He hasn't even checked in on, or asked about the kids, one time since he left the house for work last night.

And, I understand about not uprooting my kids from this house...but we've lived here two years....all of which have been he11. This house is nothing but bad memories.

[Pudmuddle]

I don't even know right now, in all this confusion, what the point of DBing is for me. I don't want to reconcile with him.

You haven't found the true point of db'ing. Db'ing is not just about saving a marriage, it's about saving YOURSELF.

I completely understand your pain and anger. Yes it is so MUCH harder when they are at home and you have to stare at them every day.

You are still blaming him for everything, when you had a part to play in this too. Yes he made poor choices, decision or whatever the heck you want to call it. But that was HIS doing, not yours.

DB for you, save you Angela, for your kids and their sanity and safety as well. You are an awesome person or I wouldn't be telling you this straight up.