on the edge...

[sandi2]

She has been depressed, quiet, etc since the weekend. I took that as a sign that she was unhappy around me but you think it may be a sign that she's withdrawing from the affair?

Don't assume it's about you, b/c if she really goes through withdrawal, she will feel unhappy & depressed for a while.

(and even told me she asked the OM to look for another job and he has been)etc.

That may be true, but I don't why OM would leave the workplace unless he's in full agreement to end the A. I hope he does but you can't depend upon it.

I gave an ultimatum and it seems to have had somewhat of an affect on her - maybe not the 100% desired affect but one nonetheless.

I hope you didn't give it to get an affect. However, since you gave it, you need to be ready to enforce it if she doesn't honor it. The worst thing would be for her to continue with the A...and knowing you know...but yet she has no consequences. Ultimatums usually carry little weight up against the strong pull the A has over a WW. My advice is not to give any more.

I almost think I have to stick to my guns and ask her to leave if she doesn't agree to them within the next day or so.

Unless she tells you she chooses to stay in the A, or she admits to crossing over the line you've drawn, you may be placing a bit more pressure on yourself than you are ready to face in the next day or two. Have the two of you actually discussed what plan of action to take in order to survive the infidelity? Yes, it has to start with ending the A, for certain. But you need to sit and talk about what you need from her in order to feel safe in the MR again. I know you laid out certain rules, but it has to be an agreement and she needs to understand this is what she needs to do b/c of the severe pain she has put on you.....not b/c you are sitting yourself up as some type of judge, etc. She needs to realize the burden of proof is on her. She has to be the one to earn your trust. She has to be willing to do what is necessary to show you she is holding up her end of the agreement. And if she needs things from you to help ensure that she doesn't give in to contact OM (or have another A), then that's the time to tell you. If she doesn't get it, then she will resent you highly, and rebel against you even more.

She can't be treated like a prisoner, and yet, she should agree with the terms to let you know where she is and when to expect her home from work. She doesn't have to be thrilled about....just agree to do it to save the M, (at least until you feel you can trust her again). And even if you think you can trust her at first...things will trigger your doubts and you will need assured she is being faithful and putting the work into the R.

Then again, sometimes I think I need to be more patient and loving and let her find her own way through this.

This is an example of why I said you are not ready to make a decision the next day or two. You aren't sure what to do! Yes, you do need to let her find her own way.....through making this decision, and through her withdrawal/depression. However, do you mean you will live under the same roof while she's doing another man? Does it mean you will give her more time to make up her mind about what she wants? What do you mean by being more patient & loving and let her find her own way through this? As long as you know what you want and what your plan is...and you're not trying to find a loophole, then yes, be patient & loving. It's going to take a lot! But I've seen some LBH's use those words as their crutch, instead of enforcing boundaries. I hope you know the difference.

Here's one thing I don't suggest. I don't suggest an in-house separation. I don't think it works well b/c of several reasons. You don't have to jump up and file for D, but don't stay under the same roof and call it separation. It does not work. It merely rubs it in your face, while you deal with the fallout of her disrespect....not to mention living in limbo for possibly years (maybe from now on). If you separate, then live apart from her. Things are more likely to look more clear for her(especially your boundaries). She will either end the A and ask to reconcile, or she'll end the M and you can move on with your life. But you can keep your dignity until one of the other happens.

Guess it sounds as if I pushing you to separate, and I'm not. It's your decision. I'm just saying a so-called "in-house" separation does not work in favor of the LBS.