Questions on the 37 rules and other advice...

[S4tk]

I found out then about some really sad stuff from her childhood and past, and kind of ignorantly didn't know how to support her with it - so I let the therapy progress and she came out feeling better.

My W had a very difficult childhood and past including some life-threatening abuse. I got much the same speech that you did at BD, and it came as a shock to me too. I've done what I can to make myself the best person I can be, but I think her past prevents her from fully trusting anyone, even her H of 20+ years. And it definitely has prevented her from being an effective communicator, her approach has always been to run and hide rather than communicate.

We did one joint MC session and she told the therapist she is 100% done.

That's very typical WAS talk. Even though she's convinced she'll never change her mind, she could very well do so. But it'll be a long, long time before she does.

We scheduled for the following week but the day before W decided she didn't want to do it.

You may have read enough here to know this already, but it's a bad idea to push a WAS into MC. They'll only go to check it off their list of "things I tried to save the M but that just showed it really is dead". It's unwanted pressure on them at a time that they want no pressure.

She doesn't wear her rings, and is working on a resume - presumably a step in the process toward S and maybe then big D.

She probably is planning her "escape". That's OK, it's not the end of things. Often the real healing doesn't begin until after S.

I am torn between the idea of going dark, which I am reading about in this forum, and the idea which likely emerges from the therapy and from my faith background, which is continued repentance toward her for my part in this, and continued pursuit to win her heart back.

Many of us tried the pursuit route after BD and it just flat does not work. DB'ing doesn't always work in bringing the spouse back, but it works often enough to be taken seriously. But I am not aware of pursuit ever working, usually it just pushes the WAS farther away. Since you're a man of faith, I recommend Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". The approach is very similar to DB'ing. He'll walk you through why pursuit doesn't work, and offer ideas on what to do instead of pursuit.

I'm still not sure that the explanations W have given me are clear enough for me to figure out what exactly to change. This, to me, seems to be a most important question that I need to figure out.

DB'ing is all about becoming the best person you can. We accept our faults and work on them because we only have control over ourselves. But, the whole reason we have to give the WAS time and space is because THEY have plenty of issues themselves, often they have bigger issues to resolve than the LBS. There is nothing the LBS can do to help them resolve their issues other than leave them alone. Once the LBS is out of the picture, the WAS sometimes starts to realize that the LBS really isn't the source of all their problems, and they instead need to look WITHIN. But it's a long, slow process for them, based on the success stories here a turnaround rarely happens in less than a year.

So be patient. As a fellow believer I'll tell you this really shook my beliefs to the core. It took me a long time to realize that despite my frantic, heartfelt prayers, God was not on MY timeline, and neither is my W. I have to respect their timelines instead.

Another Stander,

Thank you for the reply. These words encourage me greatly. What a scary time - 12 years ago as an engaged couple we talked together wholeheartedly agreeing divorce would never even be on the table. As you said, it can shake some beliefs to the core. So far, I am able to still seek God. I need to practice what I have preached for years: He is not our puppet. And I do believe in a fallen world where humans are screwed up and that both W and I entered into a covenant that we should not have expected to be a walk in the park. But I think that's what I thought.

We went out for a drink last night to discuss a trip she needs to take, and to discuss living arrangements - since returning Stateside we have been living in temporary housing and we need something longer term. I simply thought we would be discussing timelines, but she brought up "how it would look like." Wanting to avoid R talks, I tried to change topics unsuccessfully. So again last night, possibly stronger than ever - she suggested separation.

I am beginning to buy the fact that "what I am doing isn't working." (As per the DB book pages 164-165) and that 180's are necessary. Here are two big questions for you Another Stander, or any other member:

1) Should I say anything to speed up the S? From what I am hearing, there's a good chance she won't see her need to change, or come anywhere close to wanting to reconcile, until S happens. On the other hand, I don't want her to say in the future that we mutually agreed to separate. Next time she brings it up, If I were to say something like, "Well, if this is what you want, then we need to figure out how to make it work financially and with the kids," then that would definitely put us on the S fast track.

2) If S occurs, what in the world do we/I/she tell our D(5)? Our S is 1 and 1/2 and won't understand anything right now. But our D is so precious to us both and I don't want her to think I am abandoning her. That thought tears me apart.

TB