Hi, I'm not doing too much of anything right now I guess that might be a good thing. I've put a lot of my concentration on my kids and have been spending time getting to know them as adults, with their own lives, and especially with the baby.
It does help that the weather is colder and I can focus on the holidays a little. I am a homebody and I do enjoy decorating the house with all the fall colors and creating a warm atmosphere. Summers a little harder on me, summers about getting up and getting out and when you have now where to get out to, it hurts a little more.
H and I have had a long talk and he basically asked me what will it take for me to be happy and for him to continue what he has to do, be unaccountable. Without hesitation and from my heart I looked in his eyes and, said I need you to move out.
Financially we both know that causes problems, but I spent the day reevaluating our assets, our income and where money spent can be tweaked. I was able to come up with a second conversation and present to him my financial findings. It made so much sense to him that I believe it scared him, the only response I got was, I will put it in my mind.
He says when he's home the guilt he feels is so overwhelming it's easy for him to say, I will return I will come back to the family and I will focus on our lives ahead.
Once the rebellion, and the anger, and the depression comes over him he says the feeling is overwhelming to be in the street, at the bar, and listening to the sh!t that comes out of EA's mouth.
At that point I told him to stop, the conversation was over, I no longer want to discuss any of that as that is not my business nor my concern. He was very taken aback by that, and expressed his admiration for my strength.
We have fallen into our rolls of who we are to each other and to our children without worrying about the roles of being a couple. I guess it has taken off some tension from him at least to not have to meet my needs, and I have to admit it has done me better as well.
There are realistic obligations we have to meet, and we seem to do those well and get along while doing them. There is a calm this seems to suit me at this stage. It's lonely, but I'm not alone. The frustration still does arise when he doesn't come home on time, I can't see that going away, I'm still his W, and human!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i sure do know when you say it takes pressure off somehow to just co-exist in the roles you always had/did and not "go there" allllll the time.
it's got to be so hard for you. as you were sayng about h being "out there" and unaccountable- i think of my sitch (of course) how similar- how suckiieeeee. idk dawn.
we are together and it's so companionable and nice- he's nice.
then (i guess) he goes down there and grows horns and cloven hooves and has some other life. (i'm being ratty- idk what the heck EXACTLY it is that is soooo wonderful about him being there on his own - ONLY ONE THING IS DIFFERENT- ability and ccess to ow 24-7 without any "price to pay" - no guilt- no me there knowing, exactly, etc.
your h too. i guess i'm at the same place as you a bit tho- soooo exhausted in mind that honestly- i don't have much "fight" left - not much juice for "figuring", analyzing, understanding- sometimes i feel like nothing at all left to give to this stupid sitch.
i think to my h it is a game- maybe he cares if i disappear forever- maybe not. honestly- i can't make the call any more.
i'd like to think the first- i just do not have any idea any more.
i hate it - i know it - i am not soooo "destroyed" by it-
i don't like to think this is what it will be forever in my life if i continue to know him and live in his life- it's a sad and shoddy thought.
not going there lately either- just totally living "in the day" for better or worse.
it's hard to decorate or get excited about holidays with nobody around- i sure hate this empty house stuff. who knwos, maybe i'll get a dog. perhaps it's time for me to give up on people - and head right for a r that will be simple and true ot the end. an appealing thought - huh?
my neice just went to dance and had a date. guy with a crush on her- i've heard his name since they were in kindergarten- never met him tho. he's soo cute- she looked so nice and it was sooooooo , well, "adorable". they're 15 - quite young- she and i were chatting about drinking and drugs & smoking this afternoon briefly- don't even know how we got going down that road. a casual visit and only two of us around.
she's got her head on straight- hope it always stays so. it's hard to resist pressure- she's saying all the right things- i think she's thinking them too. she worries about her mom & dad's smoking, her dad's drinking- knows her aunt died from it; we were just talking about the whole thing of running into it at parties, etc. and other people's expectations - or urging - as opposed to what you really prefer to do yourself. eeeek
anyway- took pix - and i'm glad he's seems like such a nice boy and cute to boot. yay..... a year or two ago she was the one without a real date and her two friends had them, this time she's go tthe boy & coursage & etc. woo hoo.
what? me worry- ???
oh well- it was nice and uplifting - trying to keep that feeling and get thru another nite here with the stupid television-
wah wah. xxoo you're sounding curiously calm and good with this- i'm happy you're at a place of non-friction for awhile (fingers crossed_) . staying totally edgie alllll the time sure bites -
Ya know Nero, at least you don't have to watch the MLC bs things they do on a constant basis.
I can't stand my H watching 5 hrs of MTV music that my kids have even grown out of. Oh, and then it's another couple hours of watching 70s bands playing today thru interviews about the past. Ug! When that's all over its full on forever tv shows of Military tanks, Tactics and Hitler.
So ya never know what's better, or what's gonna kill you, until you experience it.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Move out! Well, that was just my honest answer to a question asked. As I said above I don't know what that looks like right now, but I considering options none of which he will go for I am sure.
The financial issue is the only one. Once I loosely presented a small option he was not happy. He elevated his insistence of not leaving to saying, " I won't pay bills anywhere else, so I would have to move in with EA" so I said, at that point upon agreement...your free.
He continued to speak about how he has no desire to be in a R w/ea, to which I replied, well than I think you have some thinking to do. He said, no I don't...I'm not trying to separate us.
Regardless, I have to continue to move forward and figure out what my future without him will look like and go after it with a plan. The longevity of this seems to be the most powerful destructor of it all.
My H is showing signs wherever he goes of being an unadjusted person, and it has affected every aspect of his life. He works, eats properly, lives comfortable, and stays off the street 90 percent of the time because of me. Nothing I'm doing special, I just make a home as I always have.
He said he still has his loyalty to this family and to me forever (while adding no loyalty to ea, but an addiction) but can no longer give of himself. What's a girl to do with that, I need soo much more!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hi Dawn, your H is one of the toughest MLCers here for sure. It is like he knows that what he is doing is wrong, but he doesn’t want to change it. Was he like that prior to MLC?
I’ve just read your comment on RosaLinda’s thread about your “feelings” about MTV today. I used to feel like I wanted to disconnect the cable too when my H was watching golf all day on Sundays.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Your right! It's not that he can't, he won't. He truly believes he is healing himself by going on his little journeys and being rebellious. Rebelliousness, is his key to succes he says! He was not like this...he was an honorable man, which he calls now to a fault.
The tv is an escape...but it was making me crazy!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
