I think my pain is coming from several things, a lot of what you mentioned above. One thing that hasn't been said, and something that I think is one of my biggest struggles is, the lost connection. I miss the very simple things my family had together. I never thought those things would go away, and today they are just memories that haunt me when I sleep. I also feel pain about past experiences and togetherness with my W and D, things we shared, things we relied on each other for. I guess it is hard to explain all of it, but it does still hurt, very much so.
I totally understand that pain, I can relate to everything you said. All those small moments of intimacy are what I miss the most, one of the things that really sticks out in my mind is how if I was sitting in the living room with my feet up on the footstool W would walk by and grab my toe. I miss silly things like that a lot more than the sex! I guess the difference is I don't blame my W for the loss of those things. I can't imagine the things that must be going on in her head for her to suddenly abandon all the things that made her who she was. Call it MLC or menopause or WAS or whatever, but the bottom line is she is not her normal self. And neither is your W. But that's not their fault, they're trying to struggle their way through that net that's enveloped them.
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A final thing that hurts is knowing that I can never go back. Even if W decided today that she made a mistake and wanted to return to our family, I wouldn't be able to get past the damage that has been done.
You've got to forgive her, and you've got to do that for you. I'm not saying you need to forget, none of us will ever forget, and hopefully we'll be better people for it. But forgiveness is a big step in getting past the pain. For me forgiveness came after the recognition that none of this is W's fault. Of course I did blame her initially, after all SHE dropped the bomb, SHE left me, SHE took my kids away from me half the time, SHE chose to hook up with OM, SHE refused to work on things, etc. etc. If not for DB'ing I would probably still blame her for everything, and I would be bitter and angry over it no doubt. But these forums opened my eyes to her struggles and difficulties in this. She's doing what she's doing because she's unhappy and has been for a long time, and she's convinced it's the only path to finding her happiness. She's doing it out of sheer desperation. And I can forgive her for that.
