The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Thank you all for your thoughts. -I have not expressed my state of mind correctly. Or written enough about the interactions with H.

I know he is lying and I know it is deliberate. He made a very deliberate decision not to spend his birthday or the holiday with the kids. I know this because the kids asked him to come.

They asked me to ask him to come. I did ask him for them. I made it very light hearted...'your bday present from me and the kids'. He said he would think about it. He said he would love to spend his bday with the kids.

He said he was thinking about it. Then he said 'no. the answer is no. Thank you for the offer it was very kind of you. Its a no'. This was over a two-week period of him 'thinking about it'.

Now, maybe he did not consciously say to himself, ' I am going to hurt the kids again, disappoint them again and I am going to only think of myself again'. I am sure if asked, he would find plenty of 'legitimate' excuses for his decision, because to the the casual outside observer, the decision to not be with his kids makes him look like a jacka$$. And H hates to look like the bad guy. So I am sure he has good reasons on the tip of his tongue to justify himself.

I knew it was a shot in the dark and really did not expect him to come. I suppose I hoped a little bit that he could take the step...that he was ready to start taking actual steps back towards the kids. Right now, it remains, only words, still.

Thats why this 'niceness' throws me off. Maybe the niceness is small steps forward...maybe its not. I suppose only time and consistency can tell. I feel that I dont like the niceness one bit if there is no action to back it up. I am not sure how I should feel about feeling like that.

He sent a text the day we were leaving saying 'please tell S9 that daddy is also sad he is not spending his bday with you guys. But I will be back soon and we will make it up and have a lot of fun.'

He didnt tell me he was going to Lebanon. He told me he was working (I knew it was a lie...we had a religious holiday and all of this part of the world was observing it. There was no work to be done)....believe none of what they say....

This makes me mad for my children. I think that I am very frustrated of being used as his excuse to not spend time with the kids. S9 was so sad on H's bday. He just wanted to celebrate with him. Notice I am emphasizing S9. D6 would rather not talk about H or to H anymore.

I am fed up of the kids getting the short end of the stick from H when he is out partying with his 'new' friends, bankrolling the partying and easing his guilt by sending random texts about great everything is going to be. He said to me about the kids 'everything will work out' I asked how (I truly thought he had something in mind) and he said 'i dont know. It just will.'.....ok......

The kids dont understand. Its hard enough for ME to understand and try and deal with.

Bright future I understand what you mean about the whole package. It would have been a big step for him to join us. We really are not his life anymore and I think it actually would have been awkward if he came with the state of mind he has right now. I am definitely pleased that he wasn't there with the state of mind he has now. I don't think he would have actually 'been there' with us in mind and spirit. So, in that sense, its better that he didn't come. That might have been worse for the kids.

I would rather not have him around anymore while he is like this. And I realise he might be like this forever now. Never getting through this tunnel...not facing any realities and most importantly not facing himself. When the party finishes, I know he will find the afterparty. A constant state of distraction. His new reality.

We will see what this brings us. It was my sister's bday the day after H's and for the past 20-plus years it was two days of celebrations. This year, sister did not wish H a happy bday on his bday (her choice, neither did my mom). H sent a text to sister the day after her bday...'happy belated bday SIL, sorry I did not call you yesterday I was recovering from the night before'.

Sister was stunned--was he trying to be cute? Trying to make like everything is normal? Just partying away despite everything else? To say this to my sister seems strange to me. But...again, whatever.

We will see. yes I find it telling that H wanted to be involved in naming new puppy. I also find it telling that he still has not put any action into his words about missing the kids. If this is going to happen, its going to need a lot more time. And I wonder if by then, the kids will even care anymore.

I read that if they start returning they often start by asking about those furthest removed from the source of their perceived problems...So I hope BF that your H starting to ask about your dog is a small step forward. I also like your comment about how H probably doesn't know how to change his behaviour with the kids. That makes sense to me. Its the whole package. I agree with you, he could easily take them without me and spend time with them, but he doesnt because he sees me and the kids as one.

Ad-its all about the GAL! Thank you for coming by. I see now how the comment was probably not dismissive. It really is about perception and how e choose to see things. I hope you are doing well.

Thanks everyone for listening to my thoughts....