Just venting. I can't sleep and have to be up in four hours. Gotta get this mess out of my head. I am so sad. So hurt and devastated. Shattered, yet numb.
When I thought the EA had only lasted a few weeks and was over (a YEAR ago), I got past it. I dealt with the pain and tried to move forward. I've been working on our marriage for a year now, thinking we were getting somewhere.
All the while, he was waiting eagerly for every text from her. He was thinking about her....probably while we were having sex. It disgusts me.
Now, everything he has said to me for the past year was a lie. He lied to her. He lied to me. Over and over again.
In one of his texts to me tonight, before we quit texting, he said he was very sad because he'd ruined his life and the life of his best friend...HER. No consideration for the kids or for me.
I'm glad I have this forum and DBing...because honestly, right now, I want nothing more than to get away from him and away from the pain. I have to keep reminding myself about our children because I just want him gone.
Somehow, I have to get some sleep and be able to function at work in a few hours.
I will never be able to trust him again. Ever.
I guess I need to give this a few days before I make any decisions, but after some time to reflect tonight...I'm not sure I want to try to make this work.
The OW tonight actually told me that her divorce has been so bad that she hopes I'll forgive him and work on my M for my kids. I just want to scream and scream and scream until I can't feel anything anymore.
I can't stop crying. And it scares me, a little, that I just don't give a crap right now about my M. I just want to finally give up.
I keep waffling between trying to understand H's pain and sadness, especially now at losing his "best friend" tonight...and just really, really not giving a crap. He deserves every bit of hurt he's feeling.
Plus, he's trying to manipulate me...his last couple of texts he kept alluding to how now, his life wasn't worth living and maybe he just needed to be out of our lives "permanently". Part of me is scared he's serious (although he's at work right now) and part of me wants to tell him to grow up. He made this mess. He chose to cheat and to keep lying about it.
He chose to devote all his energy to her instead of to fixing our marriage. He chose her over his own kids these past few months.
I told him not to do anything rash or stupid...or anything that would destroy his kids. But, it really makes me mad that he's trying to guilt me into feeling bad for him.
Sorry, this is a lot. I'm just getting all these thoughts out of my head so I can try to rest.
