Looking back at it, she didn't really say we have to talk about anything right now. In fact, she really said she doesn't want to get into it, but if I want to talk... So, if it's still best not to, that's fine. But, this is about the 3rd time she's said she won't say anything because I made it clear I don't want to talk about it. She's referencing the time when I told her to stop rubbing my face in it, when she would go on about Mr Wonderful during the ugly text/email/FB msg battles before the D paperwork was filed (and later retracted).
What I meant is that at some point - maybe quite a way into the future - we do indeed need to talk about this and also about the last time it happened. At least that's how I feel at the moment. The last time, she it was none of my business (that might have been when things were really ugly, not after we decided to stay M. Can't remember exactly - but at some point she said it) and also that she didn't believe in counseling and wasn't going to talk to a stranger about her problems (when I wanted her to do some time of counseling, preferably with MWD when we were near her office). At some point I'll re-read DR section about the questions the LBS has and how to deal with them.
My problem is I most definitely would like to hear what she is thinking. All I can see is that she clearly misses some of what we had, but can't commit to working on M yet. She's happy to spend every weekend with me and sometimes more. We chat/text through the day. She wants me to keep recording shows that we can watch together. All of that is fine, but there's always that burning desire to know what she's thinking, doing, planning....
I know it's not been a lot of time by some people's experience, so if the committee thinks I should just let this slide by as a little backslide and get on with the program, I can abide by that.
My biggest problem with the sitch, outside of the unknown status of OM is the house. That's a pretty big thing. I'm doing the best I can with this place, and it's good for my PMA and all, but the house she's in is also 1/2 mine and the little kid in me that wants to scream that it isn't fair gets kind of uppity at times (in my head, not to her).
The physical tension is incredible, too. When I get any attention from the opposite sex - like the infamous taxi lady - it takes a lot to behave properly. I just can't see holding out for years in my monk-like state. Maybe if that wasn't something that had already been on hold for so long. The tension and frustration was absolutely unbearable while we were living like roommates and not seeking/finding solutions to our intimacy problems (that's why I understand her point of view and what happened when someone showed her some affection). There is that part of me that thinks maybe I should find someone more compatible on that score and not have to suffer for another frustrated 20 yrs. But, obviously the rest of our R had some good to it or I would have left myself.
So....for now, baby steps, don't spook the squirrel, keep up the PMA/GAL activity and go have a nice drive on Saturday?
