The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Hello all....I haven't posted for awhile but I have been reading along.

If you have been following me, you will know that I took the kids on a safari recently. Not only was it a life experience and more than amazing, it was the first trip I planned without H.

It was an amazing trip. We saw animals up close, spent time together and enjoyed a stress free time.

Mostly.


It was H's bday while we travelled. S9 had a hard time with that. "why doesnt daddy want to spend his bday with us?"

OK, so it was 90 percent a stress free time.

Backstory-Since August H has been much more 'nice'. I even heard that things with OW are going downward...but dont know if thats true. He answers phone calls, even asks how I am (!!!). I spoke with my DB Coach a few weeks back and after I told him about a few incidents with H, he said that he sees a positive shift. Right now, I still dont see it because H still chooses not to be with his kids. So I know I need to look at the small steps. But we had a big step that to me revealed that this shift is still very small. It was H's bday a few days back and he chose to go to celebrate with his new friends in another country and not be with us...the kids. He contacted us everyday while we were away on our safari...'hope you guys are having a blast..I miss the kids...We'll talk tomorrow...' etc. I guess it was guilt. I did want H to have a good bday. I didnt expect him to join us, hoped he would but didnt expect it or need it.

I dont know how to be with this. So I am just trying to be me. Is it his guilt? Then why isnt his guilt changing his behavior with the kids?

We arrived back home last night, and the phone calls and text messages stopped. I know he is in another country (Lebanon) celebrating his bday.

The hardest part are my kids. My S9 talks about H like he is a hero. And D6 doesnt even want to hear his name.

In Kenya I threw away an old journal of mine that was the old me. It was not me anymore...the sadness the victim mentality....I couldnt even read it anymore. It was the past and not the now. And the now is great. My S9 was telling us all during our safari drives about animals and their habits and habitats...I learned so much ! I was so impressed and so proud. And D6 was so mature and so helpful. S9 really wanted to do the early morning game drives and D6 was so supportive of S9 even though she really didnt want to wake up at 530 am! I fell in love with my kids all over again :-)

Coach said that I should still observe. Dont know if shift is because of me or him and things happening in his life. The thing is, he chose to not be with his kids again on their holiday. It makes me think that I am still part of the equation....I am still the problem with H. I am sad that H chose this...again... to not be with his kids.

I was very content on the safari. I didnt miss H. Several times I wished he was there though because of the kids. But realize I wouldnt have wanted him there the way he is now.

So it was perfect the way it was. They way it was meant to be.


I met new friends as did the kids.


The thing thats in that back of my head is that H is still lying despite being more friendly. The friendliness is throwing me off. His words are nicer but his actions are the same. I find myself responding coldly and warmly at different moments.

I am not fooled into thinking that this means anything. I really just want him to come back to his kids. I am sure he is still with OW and also that he feels a ton of guilt for missing the safari. I am appreciating him being away.


We got a puppy! I am so excited. He is more like my third child right now with the care he needs :-) . But I am so excited to bring this love into my childrens lives. H said he wanted a say in what we would call the puppy. He sent his suggestions. When the kids decided, it is hybrid of names including one H suggested, I told H and I got a 'congratulations '. See..I see that as dismissive. Is it?


We had such a lovely holiday, and I am very appreciative to H. but then I get a bad taste in my mouth knowing he chose something else over his kids. Then I know its because of me and then I think would he chose to not be with his kids because of me..?

love you all. xxx